I am pleased to know that you know that I care. I do.!!! If my message caused you to think about what you are doing and realize that anything you try to do is fruitless, then I have succeeded at helping you. You have to see it or it is no good.
I saw in my relationship, 16 years worth, that nothing I did or said could ever change the situation. I quit trying to change things, in this way he got the attention he craved and so look at this in your own life regarding your wife as she seems to crave it too.
The focus is on her which is what she is after. I think you should ignore her and your kids too and see how crazy she gets, she will go nutts and then you will see something in her actions and reactions---it will prove one thing to you., That this is what she is after---attention because she is a spoiled bratt.
I left after 16 years of marriage, he abused alcohol but still had some of the same problems your wife does. This whole scenario with you is you are trying to see the truth and what YOU want---is for her to quit abusing you and she will never do this. There is no magic pill
In the American Indian culture when someone misbehaves, they are "black balled". The tribe ignores this person and it is very effective.
I hope this helps you in some way.....afterall this is why you posted.....right? Just allow yourself to think very deeply about your world and imagine what it will be like if you lived separately. You could move a few blocks away and have your serenity and still be a father. You dont even have to divorce if you are against that. But.......you are right.......to have sex with someone would not solve anything.
Don't feel bad about some of the answers you received here, you are asking the masses for direction. Ignore some and use others opinions. Who cares what they think. Mostly their answers are based on their personal experiences and not yours. So take the good and leave the rest.