It's obvious you are going through a hard time and I understand it completely. I've always felt out of place...in my family, in my schooling...I've never felt like I belong. All I've ever wanted is a family...one that works together as a unit...who love each other and support each other. I'm not a materialistic type of person so that stuff doesn't bother me...I've always wanted to be loved for myself...that's all.
Well, things haven't worked out for me. That's the short story. And many a time I've wanted to end it. Say...screw it! to those who abandoned me...to those who really don't give a crap...to those who used me and threw me away.
I found something out this past fall at a class reunion I went to. I found out I was very popular in school. Several of my classmates told this to my husband. I was shocked. Also, my best friend in school works with my brother in law and told him the same thing.
I've realized that those of us with these intense feelings don't have a good grasp of how others see us. We tend to be very hard on ourselves....hence people telling you how much you have going for you.
Another thing...I know you may be to the point that you don't care what pain you cause to others especially since they seem not to care. But here's something to consider:
A year and a half ago my son's roomate hanged himself in his room in the apartment they shared which happens to belong to me and is on my property. I didn't know this young man as well as I would have liked. He had only been living there for a few months but we treated him like family.
My son and nephew had come home from the pet store and went up to the aparment to set up a tank for the lizard. The boy's sister had been looking for him and came to the apartment...found a suicide note. My son ran down to the house and got me. I ran up to the apartment. The sister left to go to her father's home with the note. I went into the boy's room to see if there was anything that could tell me where he went. I decided to leave everything as is so if something had happened it would be just as he had left it for the police.
My son and nephew were upset...they wanted to go looking for him. I dialed the boys father because I wanted him to know his daughter was on her way. In the middle of my conversation my nephew let out the most horrendous primal scream I have ever heard in my life. My son started screaming..."is he in there? Is he in there???"
I made the boys go outside...I could not imagine where this boy was....it is only a small apartment. On the way out the door my son threw up over the balcony. I got them both downstairs while dialing 911. It seemed like forever but the paramedics finally came.
They took my son into an ambulance. I went too. The paramedic asked him a few questions...She never did say that he was dead...we just knew it.
My nephew had gone into the boy's room to try and find a picture of the boy...so that when they went to look for him they would have something to show someone. He was rifling through a bin he looked up and saw the boy hanging in the closet.
My nephew will never be the same...nor will my son...nor will I. And the boy will never have the opportunity to live his life.
I will never forget that night. Unfortunately. And the screaming.
I was innocent. I never did anything to hurt this boy...neither did my son or nephew or the paramedics who tended to him...or the police who had to view that scene.
You see....you may think that you will get back at those who hurt you but in reality you will hurt so many more people in the process.
And whether you believe in God or not...you WILL have to account for your actions because there IS a God and in commiting suicide you break the commandment that says "Thou shalt not kill."
Please don't do this. Nothing good comes from such destruction.