You're right about God being hard to comprehend. I am a cradle catholic who recently turned nondemoninational (a church that doesn't hold with any organised religion). It's been a turning point. It's been my own "counseling". I always thought I could relate to what God's love means, but this last yr has taught me more then I thought I knew. I pray, and God answers. Rather quickly too. I ask for peace and I get it, even if it's for just a moment. How did I do that? I started thinking of God as Daddy instead of a creator. Daddy takes care of everything, remember saying "my daddy can beat up your daddy?" at school? Except in this instance, it's really true!
Another thing I have learned is that God really does forgive ANYTHING!! That was the part of His love that has been hard for me to accept. I tend to tear myself apart emotionally and forget that God forgives and forgets, as if it never ever happened. I had to ask His forgiveness just a week ago. I was acting ashamed of my calling to be a minister in a nondenominational church. What I wanted to do is throw myself in front of the sanctuary and cry out "I'm sorry! I'm so sorry!" Being slightly on the quiet side, I did it in my heart instead. The next day, my last deluge of panic attacks stopped. I could go on and on, but I won't. Unless asked to of course! :)
I can tell you from hard experience that you DON'T want to know everything about your mom's pain. I know way, way too much of my mom's pain from childhood. Abuse, rape, lost mom in childhood etc etc etc. It's too much to handle. I have slowly learned this last 2 yrs (since the Depression got bad) is that I can't do anything with or about my mom's pain. I also learned that I had to stop her from overloading me with her pain, mine's important too. (I still struggle with that, but am getting better) Here's the lesson I've learned. They (parents) have to live their lives and there's nothing I can do that will change anything. And beyond that, I have to know my limits and not allow myself to go beyond them. I'm saying this so that you know that you aren't the only one with these problems. If you can't go home for the next few yrs then that's okay!! I had to tell my parents to move out of my home and into my brothers' home. That was hard and I felt like dirt. BUT!!!! My dad got his disability because there wasn't an adult child to "support" them anymore. My mom now recognises that she has depression. And I am learning that living my own life is okay. You wonn't hurt them by creating this distance that you need. In the long run you will not only help yourself, but you will also help them. It's like a baby learning to walk, mommy needs to let baby fall down, cry, get up and try again.
When I first started to deal with my Depression I couldn't handle all the past hurts either. I couldn't handle emotion period! So I just take one emotion, the one I'm feeling currently, and deal with that. As I learned that I found out that old hurts/feelings could be handled. But just one!! Of course I forgot that I could include God, but I included Him again last May. DPN'T WORRY ABOUT ALL THE PAST PAIN!!! If you have a nightmare, deal with just that. If something made you mad, deal with being mad. There's time enough in the future to deal with old hurts AGTER you can handle current emotions. And that's okay!!!
Okay, last bit. It's okay that you can't grasp God's love for you. More people then not are clueless about His love. I understood more then most around me and I didn't really know or understand!! Instead of trying to understand, try to accept. He's the Daddy that makes all hurts go away. Think of Him as the very best Dad ever. It's much easier!! Someday you might grasp that strange phenominon of His love, but for right now just work on accepting. I am part of The First Internet Church of the Web (www.ficotw.com) they are wonderful loving people. It's where both my husband and I were ordained (we post under the same user name here). You don't have to make any huge leaps (like being ordained) all you have to do is be there, ask questions, or just read. Any one is more then welcome.