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Re: Is it him or me??? Please respond!!!!
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Published: 17 years ago
This is a reply to # 535,913

Re: Is it him or me??? Please respond!!!!

i think you have received some great supportive info, and i'm glad the non-supportive notes were removed.

when you say you've asked for his heart, what does that mean exactly? have you sat down and told him what was in your heart straight away? you've explained the situation to us really well, but haven't talked yet about what you've done to try to remedy it... i do think you deserve to have it all with your husband, if he's willing. and i don't think its obvious yet at this point to say whether he's willing.

andreas wrote a note recently to a woman who had a similar problem, not exact. i thought he wrote her an excellent answer, don't know if it will apply. obviously the past life stuff that andreas wrote about wouldn't apply in your situation, but i thought his response was surprisingly refreshing and seemed useful.

the poster: //

Dear Andreas,

I'm a 36 year old female and have been with the same man for 15 years. Our sex life was never very good but somehow I overlooked that and went ahead and married him. Now we're at the point where we don't have sex. He'd like to, but I don't want to because it's so bad. He's not a very giving partner. I'm concerned that all these years of bad sex have done damage to me. Will I ever be able to enjoy sex? Will I be able to enjoy it with this person? Even when I give myself an orgasm, it's really weak.

Andreas's answer: //
I have not read every post that followed yours, but it seems it has stirred up some emotions here. I will stick to your original questions and concerns.

I do sense you and your husband have spent quite a few lives together, two of which ended with disapointment and distrust in one another (following some violant/sexual encounters). Your husband is somewhat in denial of the guilt and shame for his past actions, not just because he is unaware of them. His subconscious still makes him believes he abused you. Although this has phsyically happened before this lifetime, it translates into the inability to completely open his heart to you. He is unable to let go of the self-blame, which prevents him from letting you fully into his heart and love you for who you are. On the other hand, you also blame yourself for a lot of things you have done in the past, and feeling not deserving of being loved by him doesn't allow him to give you what you want from him. It is not really for him to make you have an organism, it is you allowing it. Although you want to be loved romatically, you don't quite feel you deserve it, and so it cannot happen even if you have sex by yourself. The point is that the focus need not be your husband or your marriage, but you and how you feel about yourself. Your relationship and the people you meet, how they treat you, as well as the situation you are in, are all but mirror reflections of what is still incomplete within yourself, how you see yourself but are unconscious of. It is therefore not helpful seeing him as the obstacle or problem. You are not a victim of a non-fucntional relationship either. Your situation is your field to work with in order to grow out of an old pattern of not being worthy of being loved to the core of your being. First, accept the situation as a gift to help you seek self-love and self-acceptance rather than acceptance by another. You are truly worthy of being loved by hour husband and anyone else, yet they may not feel this way if you don't. People easily love those who love and accept themselves. So forget about others, they are not who needs changing. You also don't need changing. What you need is to accept and embrace those parts of yourself that you may think other don't like. Once you love your flaws weaknesses, others will, too. They will make you very attractive. I would suggest to make yourself not available to your husband sexually until such time. As long as you try to show him that you need him to satisfy you, it won't work. When he sees that you can easily live without him and his love because you can do it for and by yourself, he may open his heart to you and find you to be more attractive than ever before. The main thing to remember is not to focus on external issues here, but on yourself. My book, "Lifting the Veil of Duality - Your Guide to Living Without Judgment" ( may help you greatly along the way.



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