RMD, Some beautiful soul in one of the other forums posted a message that impacted me a lot... Hate is not the opposite of love...fear is....
I posted this story in another forum but I hope this helps... About ten years ago, my wife was seriously depressed after having my third daughter. I was such a fool, I went to work on the day she was born and I didn't take off work because I felt extreme pressure from work to drive my route during the Christmas rush. My wife couldn't forgive me at the time and things just kept on going down-hill. I would pray every night for our marriage to work...but people have free-will to love who they want... When my wife told me she didn't love me any more and she took my children away from me- my whole life spiralled out of control. I quit my job and eventually drove a cab because I couldn't do antyhing else. I would sleep for 12 hours and drive for twelve hours. I met a lovely woman who had a serious drinking problem and that seemed to help... But it fell apart because I just couldn't stand her addiction... I later married her when she stopped drinking and then divorced agian when my second wife started drinking again a few years ago... She quit drinking again a few months ago and we have made ammends...I pray for her a lot.
But I have moved on... Love has returned to stay... I can only hope this time.
Anyway, a few months after my first wife left me, I was in a second car accident...I was rear ended by a car going 50 mph. I went to the hospital emergency room with no insurance. I had gone from making 43k to zero. My insurance had recently lapsed...and they gave me a perscription for muscle relaxants and pain killers...and sent me away. I couldn't work...my legs were going numb...I was in horrific pain...and I no longer had a place to stay..I became homeless, living in a tent, with a seriously re-injured neck. I would leave every morning before the Park Rangers came by in the morning. I was living on those 99 cent burgers and the money was gone..
When I had given up.. I got down on my knees and prayed...cried out to God(Yah), "God, you told me this life was about love...And I told God, "I hate me!." ...."I don't want to live without love." I explained to Yah that I didn't want to live any more because everyone I had ever loved was gone and that there was no one on the earth that loved me. Yah spoke to me in a voice that was neither male or female...a quiet but audible voice... It was the same voice that spoke to me ten years earlier when I had broken my neck and gone to the light...God(Yah) told me, "I didn't promise you that people wouldn't break your heart. People [W]ill break your heart. People will leave you. I promised you that I would never leave you nor forsake you." Yah then told me to go to my mother's house and then move to another town. I picked up a degree, built my house, did lots of community service projects...and now I am back in the same town with my family. My NDE happened 10 years before...but I only partially awoke to the love that I witnessed in heaven. It has been a learning process..I am still awakening to new truths every day...then recently...I re-injured my neck on same highway...rear-ended from behind while I was sitting at a light. Each time I slow down and listen to what love has to say....I Awakenin a little more to my truth about love. I hope you will awaken too. It is better that way.
Since my second accident, I realized how people just do the best they can. I get to have my children as much as I want now...and the mother of my children and I still do the best we can to love our children(Oops..By the way we don't have children..."we just borrow them") I even pray for her and I pray for her new husband... And I pray for 10,000 angels to watch over each of my children...My oldest daughter is going to stay with me while she goes to college...I went to my middle daughter's basketball game last weekend...I spent a week with my youngest daughter in a Fishing Camp I help facilitate.
Things have finally mostly healed after years of trying to get stable. I went back to school...picking up a couple of degrees...but I still know it can all end tomorrow. But there is nothing to fear about love...You are loved and cherished more than you can ever know...and there is a being out there that loves you so much. We are all just doing the best we can with love....Keep trying and don't be fearful of love...just do the best you can...because fear really is the opposite of love... I hope that helped...It kind of made me cry...