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What to do, we have *no* sex life
seeker Views: 2,210
Published: 19 years ago

What to do, we have *no* sex life

Well, after looking at all these candid messages I've decided to post a candid one of my own- maybe someone here will have some advice that will help me find a way out of this tunnel :( Basically, my problem is that my partner and I have a *terrible*, almost non-existent sex life and it's been this way for several years. He is such a wonderful person in so many ways- caring, sensitive and loyal, open-minded and intelligent- and I love him deeply...BUT the sex (when we actually do have sex) is so disappointing, and it's worse because he doesn't seem to think that being together sexually is as central to our relationship as I do. At first, he didn't even want to recognize that it was problematic for us to go several months on end without having sex!

We have both been under a lot of careeer stress, but we're young- in our 30s- and this is not just a minor, few-month phase. So what is our problem? We used to have great sex, then it just stopped and we entered into this long empty nothing.

I've always been a sexual person- not extremely sexual, but still pretty sexual. I've always enjoyed caressing, touching etc and had had several fulfilling relationships before finding my current boyfriend. So needless to say, I miss feeling desired and desirable. . . so much that part of me has started to question whether I want to continue being with the person I have loved and lived with for various years. I think: I don't want to reach the age of 50 or 60 and feel this way still! But then I look at his smile and feel his warmth and love and think, you are a fool.

*Is* there any hope for us? Part of our problem may be our very different rhythms - he is very sensitive and it's over for him very quickly, sometimes within a couple of minutes and before I have even had time to begin relaxing. I know this upsets him, but try as he might and try as I might it always ends up this way. Another issue is that I often feel like he stops connecting with me emotionally almost immediately, as soon as he start feeling excited- he just gets lost in his own state of excitement and then it is over. (Is this NORMAL, am I losing my perspective here?). What I want and need is to feel that we are connecting at many levels during sex- not all the time, but not NONE of the time, either. That we are communicating emotions through our bodies. Right now, it all feels almost clinical to me.

Because I've requested it, we have tried slowing things down and just touching, not being goal-driven, ect. but nothing has worked. Whenever I express fear that we are losing touch with each other sexually, and losing a lot of intimacy, he still counters by saying that "sex is not the main thing, the main thing is that we love each other"- sex is just an extra, and we have a solid relationship so why obsess about this purely physical act? It hurts and amazes me when he says this since I just cannot fathom holding such an opinion. He has also repeatedly said that having sex once a month, or maybe at the most twice a month, is about what he expects from our relationship- to him, sex ever thirty days or so is a sign of a healthy sexual relationship. He says that it's just the natural state of things to have an intense sexual interest in one's partner for the first year or so, and then gradually lose interest over time. He calls this "moving on to a deeper kind of love." I call it losing out on one of the life's most beautiful experiences!

Well, thanks everyone for listening to my long tale and for giving me a place where I can voice these thoughts and feelings freely. :) I appreciate any and all reactions or suggestions.


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