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Busy lifestyles interfering with relationship?
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Published: 17 years ago

Busy lifestyles interfering with relationship?

I will begin by giving a little background. My girlfriend and I have been together for almost 4 years. Throughout most of that, I have been the busier one in the relationship. I had a pretty serious job since my freshman year in college; she only worked summer camp jobs. I seemed to always have a pretty full schedule, between work & class, while she always had several more hours per day free time than me. She would always complain that I did not spend enough quality time with her because my excuse was that I was busy or tired, which I was. I constantly tried explaining that it was her free time and my lack of free time that was to blame for her negative feelings. After all, I did spend most of my free time hanging out with her, maybe not necessarily going out and doing things fun, but at least being with her at her apartment. She would get upset if she wanted to go out and do something while I had or wanted to stay home that night. This issue was at the heart of many of our conflicts. In the past year, I feel like we have made progress; her not being so negative and being more understanding, while I tried accommodating her more by making time for us and not getting defensive when she voiced her feelings. Things seemed great until this week. I have since graduated college and am now employed full time. She has one semester left in school. I passed on a few opportunities to leave our town and find employment in another city or state to be with her in her last semester, which I feel is a big deal. She has become much busier; she now works 2 jobs equaling about 20-25 hours a week and she is in class for 15 hours a week (this is her heaviest loaded semester yet). To top things off, she recently was cast to be in a play which takes up all of her otherwise free time. So, our days go like this: I wake up, shower, get dressed, and go to work. She wakes an hour or two after me, goes to work or class, then has to go to her other job. When that is over, she goes straight to play rehearsal. I come home while she is at rehearsal, relax for a while and eat, then go to bed by 11pm. She comes home shortly after, usually hangs out for a bit, then goes to bed. As you can imagine, we barely get to see each other, and when we do, one or the other is coming or going. It really sucks. Then, in all the confusion, I didn’t get the information that the performance of the play that I could attend is on a Saturday during the day, not at night as I had expected. She swears she told me and I just didn’t register it, or maybe she just thought she told me (we hardly saw each other, so either is possible). The play opened on a Thursday. The next night, Friday night, she calls and asks if I want to go to a cast party that night and I said maybe not because I had worked a 45 hour week and I really didn’t know any of those people, so right away she becomes negative with me, just as she did in times past. “You never feel like doing anything,” and “Even if you come, you’ll probably just leave early anyway” are phrases that she said to me. I didn't appreciate her negativity, but I kept in mind that it would make her feel better if I went. I got off of work, I was tired and about 3 hours later, she arrives from her Friday performance. She quickly goes upstairs to get ready as I continue to lie on the couch. She comes down and asks if I am coming and I ask if she would let her brother and his friend (who she rode with) go without us and I would go change and take the ride with her. She says to me “I really need to go now because the lady having the party has kids and probably has to end the night early”, even though earlier she was complaining that “even if you come, you’ll probably just leave early anyway.” I told her to go without me and that I would call her to meet up with her. About 30 minutes passed, I got dressed, got in the car and went towards where the party was. I called her; she didn’t answer. I went back home, somewhat upset, and went to sleep. The next morning we both woke and she frantically got ready for that day’s (Saturday) daytime performance. I lazily got up, still somewhat upset, and began to go about my day. She informed me that I had to bring her family their tickets when I went to the performance; I agreed. She then called at around 12:00 noon and asked where I was because the play started in an hour. I became more upset because I didn’t realize I would be attending the daytime performance. I met her family to deliver the tickets, attended the play, and after the play she mentioned to her mother that I am angry at her, which sent me deeper into my foul mood. I have to stop here because I need to explain myself. I am hurt. I feel like crap because she is not paying much mind to me. But at the same time, I also think I feel the way she felt years ago when I was the busy one and I didn’t pay her much mind. She always calls me a hypocrite which I do not deny, but isn’t she also being hypocritical because she expects me to understand that she is busy and I shouldn’t expect her to drop her professional dealings to accommodate me? I don’t know if I’m crazy or what, but it almost seems that the way I once treated her and expected her to understand about my busy lifestyle is the way things are now, but reversed and I don’t like it. Not so much because she is busy and doing well professionally, but because she doesn’t seem to remember how much it hurt her when I was busy and how much I’ve changed into being an understanding and accommodating boyfriend. But I have to second guess myself because I wonder if I’m the one that needs to change my outlook. I feel very frustrated and I can’t help but take out my frustration and confusion out on her when she needs me the most. It’s like I make things worse by trying to show her how I feel. I really love her but I also have vindictive and resentful feelings toward her right now. I feel like I need to talk to someone. Please help if you think you can. It brings me to tears just thinking about the situation.

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