You have become a victim. You repeatedly say that you want to begin anew and I believe you. Maybe HE is what you need to get a clean break from. You do not need to beat yourslef up forever about your history, nor should anyone else. His anger or bitterness does not grant him entitlement to that. if he can not forgive you and manage his anger, you will only continue to cause yourself mental and physical harm. Your children will be witness to this and it will shape their lives forever. And your history certainly doesn't justify what's happening now. Regardless of the past, he needs to be forward thinking or it will not work.
You keep trying to be the best person you can be and move away from the "old you." You are doing the right thing by staying strong and recognizing that this is not normal. You may need to break away from him in order to truly empower yourself. It's not as hard as you think...once you've taken the step. I am sure that I am not alone out there. The hardest part is commiting to yourself and staying true to yourself. Be the best person you can be and don't let anything weaken your spirit!