I am a 20 year old third year college student who has hit an emotional "rock bottom" for the second time in the past year. A year ago i switched majors then left school because of it, then came back for the cycle to repeat itself. Been in counseling for a long time(on my own), and been on several antidepressants. All i remember of my childhood is loneliness and feelings of inadequacy and deep sadness, crying myself to sleep with no one ever knowing, etc. I didnt grow up thinking I was depressed, but looking back, it seems clear.
I had never looked into alternative health until a month or so ago when i was reading an online Acne curing protocol. From this i read about the Body Ecology Diet, Mercola.com, etc. I have started with the programs but havent been successful. I find it impossible to believe my problems can be fixed by torturing myself like this while everyone i know has grown up eating the same foods i have. I also found quackwatch... My problems seem too deep and long-standing for me to seriously believe these alternative health remedies are worth the unbelieveable effort they require. I have been looking into the awakened minds Insight cd, and EFT and to be honest, as a somewhat educated person going to a research institute it seems like a bunch of placebo %¤#&!§-. I dont mean to offend anyone but i can only be honest here.
People always tell me i have all this going for me, blah blah. I have never seen it. I have always made good grades and everyone thinks im smart, but i always feel so foggy headed and "out of it," like I cant even understand simple things...but i have made all A's and B's at one of the hardest schools in the country(???). I feel very unattractive, mostly because of the Acne which everyone says is not even noticeable, but i absolutely hate it. I am obsessed with a girl whom i never had a serious relationship with(only what she would call a fling), and have been for 2 years. I havent spoken to or of her in 7 months, but she doesnt leave my head for more than five minutes at a time. I've only had sex with one girl,(a few months ago, i just said "f**k it" as far as waiting for someone who gives a shit about me) who was cheating on her boyfriend at the time. She doesnt speak to me anymore. I have always had major "nice-guy" syndrome, and see myself as a total failure for never having a girlfriend, although ive had flings with several who are very attractive. I always felt inadequate for them, and didnt understand what they saw in me.
Anyways, I dont intend to live like this much longer. I have become obsessed with fantasizing about what i see as fixing myself. The fact that it would be putting my family through hell has held me back for a long time, but I am beginning to not worry about it. No one has ever know what its like to be me, why should i be concerned with causing them a little grief? Besides, i dont think i am even capable of love anymore, if I had ever been. I cant help but see us as animals who have evolved way too much for our own good...the lucky get what they want while the losers lose. Natural selection. When i look around at the happy people around me it seems they all are either one of the lucky people in this big "survival of the fittest" thing, rely on stupidity(faith), religion or some kind of false belief that doesnt work for a deeply thinking, feeling person. Dont know why im writing this really, maybe i want someone to know these things before they are buried with me. Advice?