I am sooo glad you posted back and sound so much better today. I can relate to having to have that breakdown - of course, that stuff has got to get out!
I know that the reason I gravitated to all that stuff was because I was raised by an emotionally ill, abusive dad. He kidnapped us from mom, and she didn't get to raise us, and I was trained from the cradle to accept abuse. I look back today, at 44 and realize that there always was some part of me rebelling, and saying "hey something is wrong with this picture", and that actually was why I was so badly abused. Dad couldn't stand me "busting" him. Neither could the guys in my life. I was beaten for seeing who they really were. This didn't mean that just because I could see through them that I would leave. I felt that God must have wanted me to be some kind of whipping girl for them or he wouldn't leave me in that situation the way He did. I wound up hating God for a long time, and trying hard to resolve myself that this was just Life. But deep down I couldn't and ,looking back, that was the strength that I pulled on.
I wrote the above about an hour ago. My daughter called, and we wound up in an argument. I raised her in an abusive situation of in and out, cheating, hitting, etc. Lots of cheating,and hitting, and in and out. Well she is 18, trying to have a life, and she is angry, and hurting, and it was my awful choices that made her so resentful, frightened and angry today. Oh, we both know that WE are responsible for todat=y, and that we are not supposed to use the past to stay in our stuff, but we certainly were conditioned by that abuse. What I did to my Self, by being less than what God intended, I did to her, too. She is the recipient of my sin. And she hurts, and I love her so much, and she loves me, and all I can do is say "I hurt you because someone hurt me." How do you explain to a young girl who has yet to gain the life experience that I have, that you couldn't have done anything different than what you did? I was too weak, and spiritually bankrupt, and just plain lost to "do the right thing". I knew that it was wrong, I rebelled, but all the same I was paralyzed too. This is why I hope that you will stick to your guns and stay away. To allow the Self to become paralyzed, to maybe infect your beloved child with your very sickness, to pervert Gods creation by allowing your Self to be mistreated, those are the "sins" that are real. To "sin" is an archery term meaning "to miss the mark" - sin is not that stuff about eating meat on Fridays, or spitting on the sidewalk, or getting a divorce. Sin is the dis-honoring of the Self, and that harm has far-reaching fingers - I would tell you to save yourself some time - don't waste this precious time hating yourself, it is unnatural. Allow your self to breathe, and to be wide-open to the wonderful creature you really Are. Take the time to comfort yourself, I have to tell Merilee (my daughter) that I understand her resentment, but that I swear to the heavens above that I wish today I had done it different. I have to comfort myself Tryten all the time - I have a terrible time releasing the shame of harming my children through my own pain and ignorance. Don't continue to live like you have lived. Dig through it, root it out and destroy it. "It" being the pain and shame that causes you to sin. And like Jesus said "go forth, and sin no more" - that is my goal - to heal and to heal completely. To go forth, and sin no more. It is a progressive journey, which involves being brutally honest with my self and allowing others to be honest - BUT NEVER ABUSIVE - to me. To be honest, Trysten, I am in the middle of a huge awakening. I guess I want to share and see you "get it" sooner than I did.
I probably hold the curezone record for babbling on and on, so I will stop here. Please keep in touch, and take care of your Self.