many of you said what my own spiritual mother said to me just a little bit ago.
I need to stay out of it because my daughter has used my strong ego/sense of self to stay together, and now she needs to find her own legs to stand on to be ok, if that makes sense.
I am the only one she is attacking, and that is because she knows she can express her rage and I won't reject her. I am safe to vent on/at, apparently.
I told her why I made the decision, how much I love her and my grandchild, and that I am staying out of the mix, letting the professionals help her make decisions because I can do more harm than good w/ my habit of rescuing her and solving problems for her. Sure, that's what mothers do, but it's not always what's best for the adult child, is it?
She was calm/cordial to me today - I think we are ok, at least on the phone.
The "ex" -- just *2 minutes* after they took my only daughter, intubated and unconscious, into the ICU -- came up to me in the halway and said 'give me the baby right now - I'm going to have custody, this is just proof that she's a bad mother'. It was midnight, and the baby was asleep at my house, where she has always been safe, secure and happy.
This drug-user from age 13 was speaking to me in this way only three months after he quit using (for the upteenth time). He's in that righteous, judgemental stage that all recovering addicts get to, thinking they are in a position to judge and disdain anyone still using, making bad decisions!
I was forced to legally be the one to decide about her care since she did not leave a note saying who should do that. I could not allow him to go in and speak to my daughter that way unconscious or conscious.
Later he calmed down, I sent the baby to him, and everyone achieved a state of unity on her behalf. Today my daughter got back together w/ this young man -- i think partially to protect herself from him and his family thinking they were going to take the baby who is her reason for maintaining and trying to stay alive now!
It's really terrible what several days of alcohol and no sleep at all can do to a person's mental state, decision-making skills, and will to live.
hopefully we're over the bad part - she spent the day making calls w/ her therapist (who was on vacation!!), to treatment centers where she will go as soon as possible.
thank you to everyone -- your support and words were just right.