I am just so tired. So many years of running the same loop in my head, wanting peace. I cannot tell you how many times I have heard "just let go". I wish it were that simple.
Sure, anything that will help. Although I am better than what I was, I am lousy inside right now, I am angry at myself for being broke all the time, for not having normal stuff like health insurance and retirement, or money to chip in for things when we go somewhere - my boyfriend, who I just moved in with, thinks that i am "irresponsible", because I have to juggle my bills and don't pay them on time. They get paid, I owned my own home for 9 years, I just have always had to do things on "survival mode" - I hate it when we are with our friends, and I comment on something I like, and they say "why don't you ever get yourself something?" and I have to say "because i can't afford it", and they look at me kinda funny. Or I mention a trip I would like to take and my boyfriend says "when you get the money, we'll go". I realize here that I am painting a less than favorable picture of him, and I am struggling with this right now. He does not have any clue, inkling or perspective of what it was like for me trying to create success through abject misery and failure. He has always had money, and security to create money, and self-esteem enough to have a freedom to grow and prosper. I on the other hand have spent my life trying to survive the abusers I grew up with then chose for mates, and picking up the pieces over and over again. Not just my pieces, but theirs, too! I was in bondage, and he doesn't get that. I am ashamed at the way that I think he sees me. His exwife handled all the finances, and I understand from other family members that she took a whole lot from him when she went (2 year affair, stockpiling all the way out the door - took exotic trips on his money, shopped till she dropped, left him with all the trashy stuff and took all the new stuff and then some, but he defends her to the hilt, and I don't get that - you should have seen the squallor he was living in and they made fabulous money - she just took all the nice stuff,and left just garbage behind - I couldn't believe it. The family says she just raped him financially, and he doesn't acknowledge or admit that), and he just seems to look down his nose at me when I can't afford to pick up beer for him! He really does not get it, he cannot empathize. I am so glad that I can, I would hate to not be able to empathize, it creates a type of bigotry and intolerance because if you cannot empathize, you can only make judgments. And that is the point of this rant. I am judged, and always found wanting. And I wonder if it is my judgment of myself that is causing these judgments in others. I do not know how to convey to him that empathy is in order, not the decision that I am irresponsible. That is not true. I know how to make a silk purse from a pigs ear - the kids will tell you I am the only person they know who can create a wonderful dinner from ramen noodles. My daughter and i were talking and she said she did not know that we lived in public housing for 3 years, or that my income was $8,000 the year I had my hysterectomy, because she never went without, we were clean, well-read, well-bred, etc. But my man doesn't see that as a strength, he thinks that if you don't have, then you are lazy. Or if you are fat, you are lazy. And I tell him to be careful, that when you take these judging positions you are putting your self in a position to have to learn empathy the hard way, he doesn't get it. Now I live with him, and don't know how to live around this. I can only conceal any difficulty I am having financially - although he tells me to just ask for money if I need it, he seems upset and feels that I am standing there "with my hand out" too frequently. So then he gets a resentment, and makes a comment or two or ten, and I feel ashamed and greedy and needy - then he points out all the flaws in how I am running my business, and tells me about all the things I should be doing, and I feel more shame, and guilt. It is not worth the price to ask for a little extra grocery money, I can do without it. But I can't buy his grocery and mine, too. The things he likes and needs for his lunches are things I would not buy on my budget as they are too expensive, and picking up a 20 pack twice a week is like, $40 - my old grocery budget was $50 a week. I am embarrassed when I have to tell him that I can't buy the stuff for him. He looks disdainful. I hate more than anything, a look of contempt or disdain. I can't be his exwife, he gave her his paychecks, and she took care of everything, but she also made better money than me. He makes excellent money so I know she had a good old time on his dime. He won't give me his paychecks. but then again , I don't think I want them. But I feel that I am paying for someone elses' betrayal, which always seems to be the case. Good woman, just not good enough to marry, because of what "she-who-went-before' did to him. That has been the case in all my relationships. They get burned, become bitter, and it doesn't matter if I have the character and morals of Mother Teresa, they are too burned to cleave to it completely.
So here I am ranting away today, feeling withdrawn from him, upset with myself. I know I should be further along than I am , he is right, but I can beat myself up about it endlessly without hearing anything from him about his great life.
I am going to have to learn to live with where I am, change what I can, and not judge the rest. I am my worst judge, and only invite my loved ones to find my flaws and point them out. I am going to have to find the Blue Cow and watch him jump. Somehow. And I need to hurry and get there, because I am losing the desire to fight and live. I am so tired.
In re-reading this, I see that I have created the belief for all who are close to me that "I am Not Enough". That I guess is my victim statement. I will have to think about this. How to be right where I am now financially, physically and emotionally, and "be enough". Any suggestions???