Boy I needed some "head-pats" and you all stepped right up to the plate. I think it is odd the way we are supposed to act like we don't need kudos or comfort or praise, when we all get low and crave it so much. I do think repressing that need is not healthy, but in my current world, there is a lack of it, so thanks guys for giving me what I need! In the process of changing and dealing with all this, I find that I am losing a lifelong fantasy that somehow dad would "come around" and make all that old hurt right. I know that you, soulful, rememeber my old ranting posts from last year where I had cut off communication with my dad, citing that there is no explaining, arguing, discussing or any constructive way to get that narcissist to see the extent of the messes he has created. All the way till now, a part of me hoped that this situation could change. But I am coming to the realization now that the possibility is very slim, and that it is time to carry on with my life, accepting that there are 2 people who, through their NPD, cannot enjoy the benefits of having a relationship with me- my sis and my dad. And I know that dad enmeshed us so throughly, and hard wired us so effectively, that our bond is very sick and very tight. This is, I suppose, the breaking of the bond on my side. My sister is staying tied with dad, and I am moving on. This is creating much terrible pain. Part of the hardwiring process was making me believe that to leave was death. Dad, as you know was very physically and verbally abusive. Not just to me but to anyone who dared love him. But never to the public eye. Typical MPD stuff. He would also use phrases daily such as "we are family, family is all there is" and "you won't ever leave me right? You will always take care of your old dad". In my young self, this set up unnatural clinging attachment to my abuser, as it was designed to do. When he had kidnapped us, he immediately set about creating these bonds of dysfunction. He would call us the 3 musketeers, and tell us how we were all alone in this world with no one but us for comfort. At the height of the search for us, this was true, as we had to be isolated. So we kept secrets from the public and bonded very closely together. All the way up till I was 44, I tried to keep that bond going in some form. I see today how sick the bond is, and how tightly it was tied. I am truly greiving the loss of the bond. I am "outside the circle". I know that this is the best place to be, good grief, who wants to be in THAT circle - oh, that poor little girl who thought that without her dad, she would not be loved and would not live. It has been quite difficult to put down the notion that I am now an outcast, not a musketeer. Logic tells me this morning that that means that I am really now not part of a very sick trio, and have an opportunity to get well that I would not have as part of that circle.
I read and re-read these posts, and can step back a little today, and see how maybe you all are right - maybe I am halfway there, and I AM strong and wiser. Letting go of the sick bonds is one of the hardest things I have ever done - there is a lot of seeking approval attached to those bonds, lots of unsolicted opinions from others, lots of dependency and merit attached to these bonds. It is weird how these bonds of dysfunction can exert so much power and control as to render the wiser side of me almost helpless at times.
Probably one of the biggest challenges for me right now is to learn that others will judge me from their ignorance, and their judgements are really from ignorance, not from any form of power. Dad always judged severly, and judged to make himself exempt from taking any responsiblity, but I think that because when I was young he was the god in my life - meaning that I was absolutely dependent upon him and him alone for survival - I believed his judgments were real and accurate - the way he delivered was like Moses - his word was Law, and anything outside the Law was crushed to death. Therefore I have a tendency to take these ignorant judgments as law, and therefore, true. However, inside of me there is a little mustard seed survivor, and she always yells (from deep inside_ "Bulls***"!!!!! Herein lies the conflict. I need to reconcile myself to the truth, and get the inner child to understand that she was told lies. Lots of lies.
Anyway, gotta run. It is good to hear from you Soulful, and Fledge, I need you guys. Thank you for the help I am so grateful. I respect you all so much.