I was thinking that perhaps it would be better if you did not allow a man to "get involved" with you, or to fall in love. Maybe it would be better, if you want to continue protecting your Self from love, not to go into relationship with them. There are so many (too many) men that just want a f***buddy type deal. And that way, no one gets hurt and everyone gets their itch scratched.
I was involved with a man who was a player, and like the mouse and the cheese, I ran down the 4th tunnel over and over again regarding him. I noticed when he would select a new woman to cheat on me with, that they all inevitably were women who wanted a long-term, loving relationship with him. And he would eventually leave them high and dry and miserable and return to me (yeah was I a sucker, or what). I wanted the same relationship from him, too. I used to ask him why he didn't seek women who wanted no committment, why did he pick vulnerable-type women, some with children, to work his voodoo on. He could never answer the question.
I think that way, you are not tampering with and harming the emotional life of a nice man. You know how you feel - or don't feel - and you seem want to stay in that place. So why not be more up front and when you see the guy getting stars in his eyes, shut him down very quickly, and move on to casual sex relationships, be alone, and do not harm another human. It is so unfair. It really is. You know so much more about yourself than someone falling in love with you does, you can warn them, but they don't get it, I think perhaps you should not seek any relationship other than very casual sex with a man.
Seriously, don't harm another persons' emotional being with your baggage. You may have harmed this man to the point that HE will fear intimacy, much to the sorrow of women like me. My current love was badly damaged by someone that sounds much like you, he is much like your husband, but today, I see the negative impacts the previous relationship had on him. He is deathly afraid of being rejected and spurned, so he holds a part of himself away from me, and it is sad. I waited so long and worked so hard to change myself, so that I could attract the kind of man your husband is, and I have one, but one that witholds a bit out of fear, so there is that little something lacking.
As you pass through a persons life, you have the power to forever change that person. The path they take, the emotions they feel from now on, the quality of their life - you have power, GREAT power in all of that. With that power comes a HUGE responsibility. Be forthright enough to know that where you are at will wreck havoc on Love, and do not allow someone to Love you. Don't move in their home, don't allow them to say they love you, do not keep their company if they start to want to move in close. You have too much power to damage them . Be fair. There are lots of one night stands out there. Get one of those, and leave the Emoters alone.
Really you are a very Powerful Woman. I think, if you were to reflect, that you would find out what it is you are getting from this witholding, what you are really feeding. Just that you withold from a nice guy, allowing him to fall in love with and marry you, tells me that you are getting a very powerful feed of something from this. What is the payoff?? And it is not that you don't get hurt - what is the REAL payoff.
I am not telling you to change. I am saying that if you cannot or will not, then could you take the step of accepting who you are and where you are at and quit playing emotional games with vulnerable people? "He loves me and wants to take care of me, and I don't love him, but I will LET him take care of me and love me, it's his problem if he can't deal with it, he should've known, maybe someday I can MAKE myself love him, hey, he's got money, he'll do - sure baby, you can take care of me, blahblah...." Know yourself.
If this guy goes, you should let him. Actually where you are at now, you should go and set him free. What you are doing is hideously unfair, and you are missing the mark on how to treat another emotional being to go one more day taking this mans love and money and returning nothing. Let him go. Be big enough to admit to him Who You Really Are.