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Re: Thank you both!!
want2beclean Views: 2,062
Published: 13 years ago
This is a reply to # 960,322

Re: Thank you both!!

Oh please hang in there. The emotional detox will certainly take time, and this is probably a very very good time to be exercising and to have kindness toward your selves. The adrenaline that runs for years when dealing with a difficult person will cease, and the "let-down" can be a strange feeling. That has been my experience, at any rate. I have found that anger has rolled over me in waves, at different times, but in a way, I have learned to kind of embrace the anger, because i am finally being angry at what I needed to be angry at. As long as I was trying to have a relationship with my dad, I could only turn the anger inward at myself, and this manifested as an eating disorder, and depression, and neurosis, and an inability to enjoy life. I would carry tremendous amounts of guilt. Now that I am no longer in relationship with him, I can allow myself to be angry at HIM, to acknowledge with finality that yes, what he did WAS wrong. Now do not misunderstand, I try not to STAY angry, I try to process it all the way through, and find that I go through all the typical phases of grief. But I do prefer this to the unending internalization and guilt. Of course, you all have helped, as I can post a lot of what I am feeling in a place where I know that the people relate. This act of posting has been so beneficial.

I remember thinking that once I cut dad out that I would instantly heal and feel better, so these emotions were baffling to me. Now I can understand why I am still feeling things as they come up. I like to think that I am now feeling my real feelings.

Lakelight, I feel pretty certain that unless God strikes dad with a psychic change, that I will not see dad again until his funeral. This is truly a sad thing. It really is. Just looking at that sentence on the computer makes me feel sad for us all. Our story is indeed sad. I know that dad thinks that I do not love him. He is incapable of grasping the concept that he was so abusive that he could have driven me away, so all that is left is for him to feel himself a victim, and that I don't love him. I happen to feel that when we die, we know all things, so the only consolation is that when he dies he will know then that I really loved him. To the point where I overlooked for so many years all the abuses he heaped on me and others, to the point where I would turn it onto myself. But honestly, my life is better without the situation. I am no longer a victim.

I don't know if any of this helps. In popular Christian thinking, we are supposed to have this great forgiveness. I am not sure if I have forgiven dad, I understand that he is emotionally ill, and I feel more compassion toward him, I don't think forgiveness means that I have to interact with him. They say we are not supposed to be angry, but I have to be angry. I just cannot STAY angry.

I do nice things for myself now, and have an active exercise program involving weight training and yoga, and that helps more than anything. The act of moving, strengthening and stretching the body makes me feel more controlled, and after years and years of stress, I know that my seratonin and endorphin pumps don't work properly, and exercise gives me more of those wonderful healing substances.

Take care.

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