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Re: **NEED ADVICE about marriage
 
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Published: 14 years ago
 
This is a reply to # 986,452

Re: **NEED ADVICE about marriage


I think you've posted your concerns, before.

One of the things that I would strongly urge before taking any steps to dissolve a marriage is to seek individual and/or joint counseling. The issues of deception and humiliation can ruin a marriage, forever, if they aren't addressed and corrected and those issues will follow BOTH individuals long after the contract of marriage is dissolved. Then, there's this nagging thing about YOU accepting responsibility for his choices because you've been "moody" in the past or that you have "anger issues." I had very similar "issues" when I was married the first time. The anger would simmer over weeks because I was constantly being abused, verbally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, financially, sexually, and in any other way imaginable. I didn't realize that I was actually a victim of abuse - these things seemed "managable" to me, though the episodes kept getting worse and worse.

It began with sex: he made demands upon me that, with our first child, were simply impossible to satisfy. Then, it moved on to dehumanization and degradation. I was constantly feeling inadequate. My emotions would finally explode in the form of anger when he would find something to begin endlessly lecturing me upon - I mean that he would become mean and vicious and follow me from room to room. If I didn't demonstrate the response that he was seeking by remaining silent, he would begin jabbing me in my upper arms with his finger, and it would escalate from there. I must say that I would become quite violent in my language, decibel level, and by injuring myself (physically) rather than drive a knitting needle through is eye. Of course, my outbursts made me look like a raving lunatic. Only after years upon years of counseling and therapy did I finally realize (and, accept) that I was being abused and that my "tantrums" were an expression of my victimization.

When children are involved, separation and divorce can be a very ugly thing - there is NO SUCH THING as an amicable divorce with all parties behaving like rational adults. Again, I would strongly suggest that marital counseling with a tough, no-nonsense therapist might prove helpful to identify the core issues that you both have and how to manage them in a healthy way. If, after counseling, there is still an impasse, only then would divorce be a viable alternative.

Aside from the ridiculous cost of a formal wedding, entering into the legal, binding contract of marriage costs very little and requires less than five minutes to conduct - for $35.00 and five minutes of time, we can be entering into the biggest mistakes of our entire lives! Divorce, on the other hand, can cost tens of thousands of dollars and take up to 5 years (in some States) - the emotional, physical, and financial toll of divorce has no limit, particularly upon the children who are destined to take the brunt of our own stupid decisions - my children surely suffered because of my decision to marry my former abuser, and there were NO "winners" in my divorce.

Best wishes to you.
 

 
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