Date:   2/2/2013 1:13:07 AM ( 10 years ago ago)
Hits:   2,246
URL:   https://curezone.com/forums/fm.asp?i=2031635

Hello everyone, im new here but have been lurking this site and thread now for over 4 years. Im tired of my life its a complete mess. I dont even know where to begin...

Im a 23 year old guy living with a lot of problems. When i was 16 i had to drop out of school because i had difficulty being with others around me i felt somewhat insecure and wanted to avoid people. Little did i know at the time what was going on.. My mother was always over secure with me, i didnt get the chance to play much with the other kids so i stayed inside playing video games.

After dropping out of school anxiety started to grow on me and i learned what it was later, social anxiety. I stayed all day in at my house wiht no stable job for over 3 years (only getting jobs here and there that lasted no more then 3 months as i could not cope with the anxiety)

late 2007 i went on a trip down south for the first time, long story short i was dehydrated because of over exposure to the sun. i experienced the most terryifing experience of almost dying in the hospital at the resort. Luckily i made it out alive and once i had gone home again i was hit hard with the flu and diarrhoea which almost killed me by emptying nearly all my water out of my system (i looked like a walking dead with sunked in cheeks, ribs etc). After of every attempt to stop it i was successful with natural remedies. Although right after my whole life changed. I was no longer that 19 year old vibrant guy. I was litteraly a different person. I had trouble breathing constantly i had pains. I was out of breath doing little things like walking up the stairs, pushing things, etc, i couldnt sleep on my back anymore. I would lose complete air and was forced to turn over to my sides or stomach or i would choke. I was jolted awake by heart when i was trying to fall asleep, my heart felt very weak and irregular, i felt very dizzy, confused, i felt like times where i was going to pass out... It was a pure living nightmare I was 140 Lbs and went down to 120 because of this (im a 6 foot 2 guy)

Fastfowrd to late 2009 things gotten better (health) i started a job a retail place selling natural food products and such. My boss was very strict and demanding, i was put constantly under stress and my anxiety started escalating more as the days went by.. I was faced at times with long shift hours such as 12 hour shifts (the worst) at the end of the day i was exhausted with all the stress and anxiety.

As the days went on i kept holding in gaz as my anxiety created a lot of it. I didnt want to release any for fear someone would notice. And then it happened. One day just like that. I was setting up oranges and i clearly remember holding it and holding it in. I was sweating down there as well from the heat, anxiety and gaz. A guy working there said it smelled like shit. I completely fell apart there and then. I knew it was me as i was trying to figure out if i was emmiting a smell from all the sweat and gaz i was holding in.

I quit 4 weeks later. My life has never been the same since. Now today 2013, it only got worse the smell intensified to the point i may have it nearly 24/7. People have made comments, remarks about the smell. Its soo embarassing to have to live with this. My best friend stayed by my side in these hard times for me, but i fear im losing him because of this. I already lost another friend to this. I just dont know what to do anymore... I feel so umotivated, depressed, tired, physically weak (i still ahve health problems because of the last event) im changing my diet, but its hard for me to stick to it.. My mother always gets in the way and makes foods for me to eat that im trying to avoid.. But i eventually give in to the temptation and eat the possivle offending food.

Luckily for me i have found a job for the first time that ive been working since early march of 2012. The downside is that it was hell at first as people were making fun of me. Im glad i toughed it as now its stable, people seem to like me and the bad ones seemed to have moved on.

Theres this girl that works there but rarily works near me. I think she may have a crush for me but im not sure if shes just acts nice with me or just trying to be polite because she feels bad for me.. Today she was working infront of me and smiled when i looked at her. But i didnt smile back i just had a sad face on (i regret this now) and she must of felt awkward after wards..

The reason i was sad was early on i went to the store next to my work to pick up sandwiches (as i didnt feel like eating sardines and avocado i brought) and while i entered the store 2 guys there, one said "eww it smells" and the other guy said "it de-zens" (sorry trying to translate it to english) and right after the both men turn around and look at me like im a freak. My self esteem went down again and feeling deppressed now.

I feel so pathetic, weak, unhealthy from the years of innactivity, unhealthy eating, binging and near death, anxious at life, health and body oder. My best friend is not answering me back. Never had a girlfriend, relationships, love, connections. I feel like the end is close. Why what did i do to deserve all this???????! WHYYY
 

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