Just watched a movie about a young man traveling from England to Australia--took 6 months in the 1800's, on an old, leaky wooden-hulled sailing vessel. When the ship came to a point west of the African continent, it was stuck in a becalmed sea for weeks, nary a breeze in site, drifting aimlessly, caught in what sailors call "the doldrums." When finally the sails caught the winds, much to the relief of passengers and crew, it was beset by a fierce storm that threatened to sink the ship, and which blew the ship backwards along its path, back to the doldrums once again, this time with a broken mast and little chance of escaping.

This spiritual lethargy that's upon me feels like the doldrums--I seem incapable of breaking free of its grip. A sort of malaise has set upon me. I am too exhausted to be depressed, but spend my hours in a kind of turpor, unable to move. My meditation teacher says the path to enlightenment should be "effortless, fun and enjoyable", yet I've worked so hard to be freed of the burdens of my mind and heart. This great disappointment of having found that I have gained little solid spiritual ground has forced me to conclude that I may never get where I want to get, and where I want to get is not even a clear concept in my mind.

Becoming a person who has shed anger, shame, guilt, grief, and fear, who has forgiven those who have hurt me and forgiven myself for having hurt others, who lives in joy and peace and love and contentment, who helps others in their time of need, be it to help relieve physical, emotional, or mental anguish or pain--this seemingly was the goal, and it seems so ridiculous now that I ever thought of being such a person. delusional thinking, what I call my "Jesus complex"--wanting so much to emulate the Master--what hubris to think that I could be as Jesus!! and so I muster up a huge sigh. what now?

I have not spoken with my "Spirit Guides" or "Higher Self" or "Great Self" or my "whatever name one wants to call it", for many months. I've not felt that what information "comes through me" has been of benefit to me, in fact has at many times seemingly led me astray on the earthplane, leading only to more pain and suffering, not away from it towards enlightenment. so, strangely enough, being in the spiritual doldrums, I found myself feeling the familiar pull, the desire, the need, to communicate with "them","MySelf","Us,". Afterwards, I felt the desire to share it with you; I sat on this feeling for 24 hours, and still having this need to share, hereby commit it to cyberspace:



Sunday night, February 3, 2008

Well, Spirit, I have not spoken with you or asked you to speak to me for a long while now, in earthplane "time"--linear time. You know why. I've lost confidence in what you tell me to be true, or rather, I've lost confidence in "ME" telling "me" the truth, or in "me" interpreting what "ME" has to say. This has nothing to do with FEAR, but in anger and mistrust. I can not trust MySelf to guide "me". I can't seem to trust anyone, for that matter, to guide me. How can I trust God/Spirit to guide me, whether it's God/Spirit with-in or God/Spirit with-out if i can't HEAR properly, can't interpret properly, the "energy waves" as they travel through the convoluted twists and turns of my neocortex and muck around in my twisted heart before my warped and distorted perception receives them and attempts a poor translation in a language that lacks fluidity and whose words are rigid in concept and meaning?

What am I to know this day?

Know that you are Loved

I don't feel it

You are blocked

by what?

Your own fear

that's b.s., why would I fear being loved?

You fear it yet you crave it--being loved.
You are afraid it will consume you
You fear you will be obligated
You fear you are unworthy to receive it
You fear you "owe" something to receive it
You fear being indebted to it
There is no debt, no expectation
It (Love) is given freely, with no obligation attached

I don't believe it

You do not trust us

I do not trust
I have never truly trusted
I doubt I can trust

You can trust
You are afraid to allow yourself to Trust
You fear pain
You fear suffering
Have you not suffered enough?
How much energy do you expend blocking our love for you--
it takes enormous strength to block this Flow of Powerful love--
imagine if you let yourself...

I don't know how to let myself

...flow in the Love, how much...

I'm tired
I don't know how to "let go"
I don't know that I want to let go.
I like being in control,
yet I'll crack if I try to control the uncontrollable

...energy would be freed up!
You complain of being tired--
you hold so much back--
it takes more energy to block us than to let us Flow Through YOU...
Little one, little one, why do you retreat from us?
We love you, merely to love you--
there is no "Reason" to love you,
it just IS, the way it is, has always been, will be.
The way of It--the Cosmic Pulse of the Universe.
There it is--the flowery language you expect.
There is no way to express the Flow of Energy in the English language
but to use flowery words

Cosmic Pulse=Life, Universal Life, Energy, Love, Joy, Peace, Happiness.

These are words to you, concepts, yet on the Other Side of the Veil
these "words" are "The Way It Is"
the  "Way It's meant to be"  forever and for always.

Can you imagine Living Peace?

                               Living Joy?

                               Living Happiness?

Living it, BEING it, beyond mere words, concepts, strivings.
This is what IT IS.
THIS is What WE ARE,
This is What YOU ARE,
this is what Humanity IS.
Your "Reality" is this.
Your unreality is the harsh, cruel, dream you are living in now.
Wake up. Smell the roses.
We are waiting for you.
Peace, Love, Joy
Namaste