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Saturday, May 7th, 9am 'm quite a bit scared. To be honest, in my heart I know that this upcoming fast is vital... I'm quite a bit scared. To be honest, in my heart I know that this upcoming fast is vital for me both on a spiritual and a physical level, but I'm entering it with a great deal of trepidation. I have water/juice fasted for 24 consecutive days previously. Let me explain what I mean by a water/juice fast. I fast solely upon water unless my detox symptoms are severe, or I have an energy crisis. At that time, I allow myself as much juice as I need (usually four ounces or less) to get over the hurdle, or at least ease the discomfort and fear somewhat. The juice is organic, pure, and if possible, fresh squeezed. I am a teacher, and at the time of that fast, I was running my classroom. It was spring, and my fast lasted into the summer vacation. I brought an 8 ounce container of juice with me each day, and used the energy it contained to get me through the rigors of an elementary classroom day, which as you can imagine can be QUITE taxing! I never drank more than 12 ounces in a single day. Usually I would drink 4 ounces at the start of the classroom day, and the other 4 as needed. I had wished to go for 30 days, but I didn't. I'm not sure why, now, that I stopped. I think it was an intricate form of rationalization tinged with a large amount of fear. After the fast was completed, I was so amazingly clear, both in mind and body. I never once regretted having done that long fast, so I know it will be the same this time. The difference on the emotional level is the fear, for one thing, because the fear of the cancer's metastasis and the strength it takes me to refuse what conventional medicine says will save my life is a strong undercurrent in my life. Natural, I guess, but frustrating sometimes. The power of convention and the perceived safety in numbers, the approval of others around me and the fear of the unknown are powerful. I am a herd animal, after all. His Sheep am I, though, I choose a different herd -- well, ok, I mean a different flock! But my God is stronger than life and death. If I live, or if I die, I am in my God and I am secure, safe, and content. I will live or die -- not according to my actions, my skills, my knowledge, but according to my God. He is my LIFE, and in that I am secure. Leaving this life does not frighten me at all -- except the unknown, of course. So I can say I'm not afraid at all of death, but I AM afraid of the process of dying...will there be pain? What will that dying be like? ...and questions like that. That's normal. I've lost my job due to this illness. I had a six month leave of absence, which I took, thinking I'd certainly be better by then. But the illness requires a longer time, and so I had to give my job up due to union regulations. I'm hoping by July or August to be feeling well enough to apply for a teacher's aide position in one of the local schools. It will be less pay, but for my own benefit, it will require MUCH less stress and responsibility, and I'll still get to be in a classroom and enjoy children. It takes a bit of humility to go back to an assistant position after working so hard as a successful professional, but it's best, and I'll have a MUCH lighter work load. Next summer, if I'm up and running, all recovered and in remission, I can get another teaching position - IF that's what God wants. I am financially able to do this, which is a real blessing in itself. I sometimes imagine what it would be like to be facing this illness and weakness and loss WITHOUT financial stability. Oh, dear, I have a much deeper comprehension of how hard that must be. You know, besides fearing the pain, the discouragement, and the long nights coming up, I really fear that unsettled, uncomforted feeling that fasting brings. Remember, I've had experience with fasting. I've discovered that food is a comforter to me, a companion. I have a complex relationship with food, but what IS certain is that when I fast, I feel terribly unsettled for quite a long time. I do not look forward to that feeling at all - and this time facing it with the illness, pain, and no distractions (like working) as a companion will be even more stark. I have to turn to God instead to fill those needs, and that can be very difficult....because of ME, not God. My flesh is strong.
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