day one

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God it hurts, Oh God help me. This was my cry yesterday and most of the last few weeks as I ...

Date:   3/26/2006 4:00:35 PM   ( 18 y ) ... viewed 2686 times

Oh God! Oh God! Oh God it hurts, Oh God help me. This was my cry yesterday and most of the last few weeks as I struggled to walk from one end of my house to the other. I was in constant pain, excruciating pain. I had to use a walker or at least a cane just to get around. My left knee is frozen at a ninety degree angle and I cannot straighten it. I walk hunched over so both feet can touch the floor, its agony. From my lower back to the ankle of left leg flows a constantly changing pain, cramps, deep aches, pulsating jabs. All this due to a spinal injury. Most of my friends, co-workers, and church members think I'm crazy because I hope to avoid surgery.

Yesterday I cried, wept, screamed in anguish and confusion. I am being pressured to have surgery even though there is no clear indication that surgery would help. Tests have been inconclusive and I need an MRI. The pressure I've been under is so stressful I have almost become a hermit, hiding from those well-intentioned individuals who scorn the idea of natural healing. As I sat in my computer chair, overcome by another spell of tears turning into screams of frustration my puppy Jake started howling with me. I couldn't help but laugh, and with laughter came resolve to try and stay strong.

I am giving myself 40 days of intense diet and supplements, plus therapy from my chiropractor to try and at least begin to heal my body without invasive surgery or use of steroids. This blog will be a journal of that time. It will be more about personal experience, feelings, discoveries, and insights than a how to do it log. Yesterday I felt hopeless, today I began with the words "I am going to be healed" and changed that to "I am being healed". I am a work in progress. There may be times of failure and weakness, but I am looking for success, I am looking for healing.

 I am having to go deep inside to places well hidden from my conscious self. For too many years I have taken hurts, attitudes, and even abuse and quietly folded them up and stuck them in the deep recesses of my brain because it was considered bad form to show too much emotion. I am having to accept that from a very early age I allowed fear and an attitude of not being "good" enough rule my thoughts, actions, my life. This is not going to be an easy journey, but I pray that it will be a quest that will bring healing to not only the body, but also the emotions and the spirit. This is my journey to become whole. I welcome your support and comments on this lonely trip.

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