More on my personal experiences of attempting to gain the approval of a predatory abuser.

Date:   4/4/2011 8:24:15 AM ( 13 y ago)

I've noted that I had a number of interests and goals prior to involving myself with the former abuser. Sounds as if I was a pretty well-rounded person, right? Well, I also had a good number of faults and character defects which enabled the abuser to cut me off from nearly every friend and source of emotional support that I had. The one friend that I did maintain contact with was a childhood friend that apparently posed no threat to his control.

Among these character defects, my need for acceptance and approval were probably the most profitable to the abuser. These needs were nearly an emotional pathology, as I've mentioned. I would avoid speaking "truthfully" for fear of being rejected or abandoned. Speaking "truthfully" is defined as saying precisely what I mean, and not what I thought others wanted to hear. With truthful speaking comes honest action - confidence and boundaries. I was also very defensive - I was just beginning to learn the art of accepting crticism without taking it personally, and not doing a very good job of it, I must say. I was also a busy-body and often involved myself in the business of others, even when it was grossly inappropriate to.

So, the abuser sized me up in an instant for the simple reason that I did not recognize boundaries and disclosed my deepest "secrets" to him at his prompting. I had already been named as "The Only One" who understood him, and I wanted to maintain that status as a result of my own emotional issues. For my short 22 years, I had always been striving for approval and acceptance to a personally dnagerous degree, and now an attractive man claimed that I was valuable! The risk of rejection was so overwhelming that I gave away every piece of my Self to PROVE that I was loyal and would remain forever faithful.

I've already mentioned the severing of important relationships for one reason or another - always, the abuser cast doubt and suspicion on these people by suggestions or accusations. But, he also began to chip away at my personal goals and interests. My interest in horseback riding became an interference - instead of riding, we could be having sex or "spending time together." My art education and creative expression also demanded too much time away from him. What did I want with an Art degree, anyway? There was "no money in art" and my projects, classes, and assignments (AGAIN) took too much time away from him. Because my interests in musical expression involved my friends, it was another obstacle to his complete control, and I walked away from that, as well. Instead, I slowly abandoned friends, goals, and interests in an effort to please the abuser and maintain that felonious status of being "The Only One."

With the chipping away of the Self comes the campaign of crazy-making. If you search the webs using the term, "crazy making," you will find an increadible wealth of examples and information on this tactic. For me, it was a very easy process - a demand (or, "suggestion") would be made that could never be fulfilled: continue with the silly art, but don't5 set aside any time to practice, because that time would be better spent getting high or having sex with the abuser. "Why can't you just draw and paint with me? Why do you have to do art shows? All this time could be better spent with me."

More on crazy-making as I continue.

Brightest blessings!

 

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