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Day 24 of my post Water Fast
My daily Journey to a healthier life style
Date: 12/20/2010 3:27:33 PM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 15149 times
December 18, 2010
"Love begins with a smile, grows with a kiss, and ends with a teardrop."~Source Unknown
Phil moved around today. My breakfast was late, as I was trying to eat it, but my heart wasn't in it, as Phil didn't come home last night, so when I came out of the shower, he was in the kitchen making himself a cup of tea. It was hard to watch him stand there. I really wanted to hug him and not let go. He probably stayed at his new house. I know that this will be very good for him. Maybe this would be good for us. I just don't know. I choked down my ½ cup of Succotash, as he picked up the rest of his stuff through out the house. I could hear him talking to his son in the guest room. I held my tongue when I really wanted to say something, like “ I will miss you” or even “ I love you” but I knew I couldn't make such a scene with his son around. He wouldn't have liked it at all. He told me if I got dramatic that he would be very mad at me. He didn't understand why I wanted to see him off. I couldn't find the right words, but I am able to find them now. I wanted to see him off, because it gave me a piece of mind, other then he just got the rest of his stuff when I wasn't home. He told me that he was afraid that I was going to be dramatic or something.
I didn't want to upset him and cause him to get angry with me, regardless how I was feeling.
He handed me the key to myself house and I wanted to cry out “Please don't give it to me” but I just held it tight in my hand after he gave it to me. I cried a bit after he left. I watched him and his son leave and drive away.
Last night I didn't get a lot of sleep, because knew that today would bring. My heart felt broken and was so heavy that it felt weighed down with stones that someone threw at it.
My day was very long. I went over to Christy's house to keep myself busy. She kept me busy throughout the day, by Christmas shopping for her son. I didn't mind driving her around town, as anything that would keep my mind off that once I got home, they weren't going to be there anymore. I saw something that PJ would have loved for Christmas. I wondered if Phil would still like a Christmas gift from me.
Christy even bought me a little Elephant lamp, for Christmas. It was beautiful and simple (just a little candle like night light) but even the joy of an elephant didn't help much. I just felt so numb to really enjoy it. I even bought some Chestnuts to roast later in the week, but I only bought a pound of them, thinking it might keep busy as well.
Christy tried to get me to eat something, but I wasn't really hungry, but I did eat some salad greens, but they tasted so dry and ashy in my mouth. I finally forced myself to eat some veggies for dinner, even though I didn't really enjoy them at all.
I talked to my mother a bit in order to tell her that Phil moved out. She was happy about it, of course. She just told me that she was sorry that I had to live through this experience. I told her that it was just life. She corrected me and said “No, life is not like this. Life is full of love, happiness and new experiences. It isn't always about being neglected and abused” I can't say that her little speech helped me at all. She told me that she would give anything to be 36 years old again, especially in my situation with no children. Then she reminded me she had gotten pregnant at the age of 42 and that her friend, Lisa, had a child at the age of 36 years old, when she thought she would have no children. It was as if my mother was trying to calm my fears that I might never have children. I don't have that fear. I have accepted it long ago if I didn't have a child by the time I was 27 year old, that I might never have a child. I am okay with it. It doesn't mean that I don't have to a child, but I have accepted that I might not ever be a mother. My mother also gave me the “Jesus” talk, which was highly odd coming from her. She reminded me that Jesus wanted us to have a Joyful and productive life, and that I should take comfort in that. She even said “You know this” I don't even know why I called her. Probably so she could have peace of mind that he finally moved out and I got my keys back. It definitely wasn't for support, because I know that she was happy he moved out.
All I do know is that I missed the both of them. I feel so hollow.
FOOD INTAKE:
BREAKFAST (around 12:30 p.m.) ½ of Succotash (left over from lunch yesterday)(approximately 137.2calories)
DRINK: None
SNACK: None
LUNCH: (around 3:00 p.m.) ½ cup of Salad Spring green TOTAL CALORIES: 10 calories
DRINK: None
SNACK: NONE
DINNER: (Time unknown) 1 cup of Steamed veggies (eggplant, yellow squash) (60 calories)
TOTAL CALORIES FOR THE DAY: 207.2
EXERICISE: 3.2 miled, walked around with my best friend shopping for Christmas presents
WATER INTAKE: None
WEIGHT: 134 pounds
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