Day 16 of Post Water Fast by Sacristia Blog entry

Blog: My Health Journey
by Sacristia

Day 16 of Post Water Fast

My daily Journey to a healthier life style

Date: 3/10/2011 2:29:16 PM ( 15 y ) ... viewed 1850 times

March 5, 2011

I wasn't happy that I got back last night from Christy, it was raining again. I knew that it was suppose to rain, but I think I have had it up to my ears with rain. I really feel horrible about the people that live in Prospect and LaRue, as they are still trying to recover from flooding that happened on Monday, February 28, 2010 and now we are getting MORE rain. The radio was saying about 3 or 4 inches! That is ridiculous!

I woke up around 5 a.m. to go to the bathroom, and I looked out my bedroom window, to see how the rain was doing. I could see that it was filling the street again, but it was draining really fast. Hopefully it wouldn't get any higher then the edge of my driveway. I didn't think much of it and got back in bed. I read for a little bit before falling asleep again. My alarm when off at 6:30 a.m. as it does every morning, and I listened to it, while still half asleep. It was about 8:00 when I heard someone pound on my door. I immediately got up, shocking Mekong who was asleep on my chest. I went to the window and looked out. I then realized why someone was pounding on my door. Someone was warning me that the water was getting higher again. I went to my door and saw that Connie was on my deck. I grabbed my coat, slipped on my shoes, grabbed my keys and went outside. I thanked her for letting me know. I told her that I was up earlier and I watched it, but it looked that it was draining well, so I was hoping that it wouldn't get any higher. She told me that she had hoped that too. She also said that she thought she would warn me before it got much higher. I told her Thank you. I got in my car, which wasn't bad at all. It was just coming up to a little less then half on my back tires.

I moved my car into my back yard from the front, as the side yard that I tried to drive my car through would be very soft and still pocked with my tire tracks from the last time. As I drove my car on to higher ground, I realized that I would going to be stuck in the house for the whole day. And that wasn't my plan. I was going to do over to Christy's house.

The water drained at 2:30 p.m. as I was cooking my late lunch (Salmon and veggies). I texted Christy and told her that I would be over later after I was done eating. I ended up not going over until around 5:00 p.m. due to I took a little nap.

I left after two hours, because I was getting bored and tired of drama that was happening over there. When I got home, I was really down feeling for some reason. It think it is because I see Christy with her boyfriend and it makes me feel left out. It kind of irritates me a bit, that he hugs on her, when she is mad at him, because he won't listen or do something. He really isn't on the lease, and he just kind of does what he wants around the house. When Christy says something to him about it, he sucks up to her by hanging all over her. It makes me feel uncomfortable that he does that, because I feel that he is using her. He has no job and doesn't look for one, yet he eats her food and smokes her cigarettes.

I don't know. I just know that I was upset. After a while, I talked to God about various things. I told Him that I knew that Phil wasn't right for me, but for some reason, he still pulls at my heart. I told Him that I really missed Phil, but I know that I should just focus on Him, instead of Phil. My heart really hurt talking about this and afterward I felt comforted that I shared it with God. It isn't always easy to tell God things that I already know that He knows. But I guess by my admitting them, it opens the door to God's will and better things for me. I hope.

I got a surprise later, which I was very leery about. Phil texted me saying Hi and telling me that He did miss me. He asked me if I would like to spend some time with him. My mind was reeling, as I thought two things: This is God testing me, to see if I meant what I said or this is a chance Phil and I can work things out. My mind was reeling and I responded back that I would love to spend some time with him.

I can't say how I felt when I saw him. It was mixed. I was worried that maybe I wasn't pretty enough. I wondered if he would notice that I lost some weight and was slimmer then I was when he lived with me. He hugged me and it felt so good, that I didn't want to let go of him. My insides were still jumping around. We talked a lot about various things. His face looked really tan, and he finally told me that he had been tanning, as he got a deal when doing some marketing work for a business. He showed me his arms and chest, and I immediately felt like a huge white slug. He has always been so trim and now he was tanned. I don't know what it affected me so much, but I felt really horrible how on how I looked. I made sure that I looked nice, but not too over done as I was trying to impress him. I went natural, as I usually do. Meaning, my hair was pulled back in a tossled bun, some stud earrings (which I usually wear) and a long sleeve shirt and jeans. I thought I looked nice, but seeing him, I could tell that he definitely was having a better time without me in his life then in it. I tried hard not to think about it, but I have always had pale skin, and proud of it, as it reflected my french heritage on my father's side, other then the Ottawa Indian on my mother side. My mother has olive skin, where mine is very pale, compared to hers. So I didn't feel very pretty at all. I felt very plain and un-noticable beside him. I tried to keep my mind of it and just enjoy spending some time with him. We watched some TV, listened to some music while we talked. We even laughed a bit, which made my heart happy. He talked about his son being a teenager and about his dog. I felt really horrible about this too. All I could thing is that he could afford a dog, and was happy with a dog. He could afford CABLE. And he couldn't help me in the year and a half that he lived with me. I wondered why I was feeling the way I did. I wondered what was wrong with ME.

After 2 hours, I came away feeling really horrible about myself and wondering why I went to see him. Never said I looked nice or even asked me how I was doing. It was mostly about what he was doing and such. I guess I didn't say much about myself since I was happy to see him. And I didn't want to ruin my time with him. I stared to wonder if I was being selfish for feeling horrible. And so about a half an hour after I left, he text me about how he runs into people that know me and they tell him things that I have said. He said that it pisses him off. I told him back that I don't what I could have said to anyone that would piss him off. I told what happens between us is none of anyone's business. And what is there to tell, since I haven't seen him but once, when he picked up his W-2, since he moved out. It really upset me that I felt so horrible that I just wanted to die. I thought it was a lovely little meeting other then feeling horrible about myself, and now it felt even more horrible to me. I cried for an hour, and realized that I probably should have just told him No when he asked if I wanted to spend time with him. I realized more that it was God testing me to see if I could follow through on what I told him. I failed and I felt horrible both ways.

I took a shower to try to relax and I couldn't. I felt so hollow and filled with pain. Part of me wanted to call him and asked him to talk to me about it. But all his text said “I am over it already, so just keep our business private” I cried for a while and finally I just laid in bed thinking about it. Why would he ruin such a nice little get-together, which something so negative. I thought about it for hours, and it dawned on me, that there is are very very few people know that Phil looks like, because he never met any of my friends. He never wanted to. So it puzzled me, what friend of mine, would say things to him, since most people that know me don't even know what he looks like. I realized he might have run into Katie, as she knew what he looked like and she would tell him off, as she didn't like how he treated me. But then again, he wouldn't tell me who he spoke to.

No matter, it ruined my evening and I didn't sleep well after that.

I guess it is my fault.

EXERICISE: walked 1.72 Miles,

WATER INTAKE: 40 ounces

WEIGHT: 129 pounds