This is such a sad story and i am so sorry for you. I know you don't want to hear that with time things get easier but it will. But you have kids and that pain will always be there so try to make the best of this situation and accept God's decree. I know this will heal you but you have to take the first step and that is to quit drinking. Drinking just makes your body tired and cancerous. By being so upset you are showing her how much you care. She is playing you big time and telling you how she is going on, give her the same. She has you home every Friday and Saturday so she can go out. Tell her you are not available because you have a hot date and see how she likes that. You have to respect yourself and never let her know how bad you feel. I know, I been there and the worse thing you can ever do is ask her back. If you go begging her she will always play you.

The pain is awful and you have to get busy and do something, come over to my forum Sara's soup Kitchen and read the hundreds of articles on self help and recovery. Join in the conversations and make some friends. Maybe you will meet some people in your area and you will have something in common. Try to show your kids how much you love them and do something real good for them. Take them places their mom has not taken them, spend quality time with them and keep momentos of them close by you.

Don't drink as she wins, do go out and try to move on with your life, turn to God and ask for his help. He is the only one who can.

Forgive me if I am being too harsh but I know this pain very well and I been there and I can tell you it is real literal hell, but I look back now and it was the best thing that ever happen to me. I got divorced and married a Muslim and he was the best man ever in the whole world. So God took me out of a bad situation and gave me heaven.

SARA

Am so sorry I to am a divorce survivor. The kids especially are the victims. The just want things to be OK and parents often play it for their benefit without realizing it at times.

Men especially I've found have a hard time with divorce. Men place their who sense of self and worth I think in this union. A provider that's not doing well with the concept and they take it personally. A loss kind of thing. I read somewhere where men look at it like loosing at a stock market deal when they loose a marriage. You've not lost! You have children and being a parent to get over your hurt or 'act as if' that you are their as a parent first. Don't say anything bad about her to them either. It's good I think to get some kind of counciling for kids around this as they have such a time of it. Don't show it but it's there! Look at your feelings years later.

Maybe it's about stop being angry at yourself - stop beating yourself up and forgive yourself, her and others involved and move forward. Get into a support group for men and learn more about educating yourself around relationships. And the questions to ask a woman especially being around your children...is she the one?! Learn not to engage with your x. Follow the guidelines of visitations and offer more....your kids will always remember what a great father they have!

Smile in solutions.

Every minute you spend thinking about your wife is a minute not spent with your kids or the woman you should be with, who is out there... somewhere.

The first thing I would do is begin to make a home for your children. Rather than an apartment, search for a smaller, reasonably-priced home to rent you can fix up real rooms for your children, take them out with you to buy posters, etc to decorate their spaces with, apartments always feel temporary and misplaced. Then, if you do not already have it, obtain joint custody and instead of just a Friday or Saturday night with them, begin to have mid-week dinners in addition to weekends, even if it is just picking them up for dinners out, hanging out at your new home playing games, start to focus on the kids and make your time with them something to look forward to as fun. Be the one to take them and pick them up from karate, gynastics, what have you, be there for teacher's meetings, doctor visits, all of these things that most men never take part in, BE there for them in this and you will find an entire new aspect of relationship developing as you become the go-to guy in all areas of their life.

You are lonely right now, but the real, safest way to deal with this rather than trying to slap some woman into a big empty hole is to become the kind of father your children want to spend time with, feel very safe and cared about around, and most importantly -- that they are NUMBER ONE with. Always. It is heartbreaking when a family is broken up, but I can tell you as a single parent with my children much older now how very solid and loved their growing up years were with me, a parent who put them first with no regrets and have seen them grow into secure, bright kids with a true appreciation for the love and laughter our home always held for them. The same kids who always want to spend free time with me as it always revolves around the joy and love and laughter I invested so much time into being sure they had when they were with me.

You do not need a new family, you already have one. The biggest mistake many men make is they decide they need to re-create their lives and sacrifice their children in the process. DON'T DO THAT. And if you really feel as if it is in the best interest of the kids, get 'custodial' parental custody. I know many people with joint custody who split the households one week here, one week there, I do not like that idea as I think it is disjointed for the kids but there are many options besides just being a part time Dad. Look into them.

Get off the pity potty, you are hurt, it will take many years to heal, but investing that emotion into the kids as the focus rather than self will greatly assuage you in healing and filling that big hole you have right now.

Get off the booze, you will never be someone your kids want to be around if you drink yourself into oblivion every night. Don't be the sad sack, I see so many parents who get divorced put their kids in the position of pitying them. It is the children who right now need YOU to step up to the plate, put your own sadness to the back and put them and their happiness to the forefront of everything. There are many ways to heal, find some constructive books, classes, people to be around to help you through your sad times, but make sure you do not drag your kids into the hole with you.

If you focus on all the possible goodness you can do for your kids at this time, it will go far to fill up the time you are away from them.

Not trying to be harsh here or anything but I looked at your past postings on this topic and remembered that your then soon to be ex posted and gave her side of the story. I hope this doesn't once again turn into a he-said, she-said thread.

You've gotten some good advice that I agree with such as laying off the booze. Your kids need you to be there fully for them. You need to get a hold of your anger, too. You can't let it get the better of you. Not only could it affect your job (in this bad economy you don't want to do anything that would jeopardize your job) but as another poster wrote, it could affect your relationship with your kids. Your kids have been through a lot and as their father, you have to pull it together for their sake. They don't need to have to deal with an angry father who is drinking too much---especially if what you say is true about their mother---that she is not putting the kids first in her life.

Time and patience with yourself

You might welcome your children to your home and if your wife is "provable" partying (or perhaps a wee bit of jealousy) than try and get custody.

Does your HR manager at work know you are going through a rough patch? It may be worthwhile to take adur source of income, avantage of an EAP program for grief, anger, divorce groups- if this is available

just think how resentful you will feel if your grief and anger loses you your job

And you may take family leave if it is offered in your state to care for your children and be with them.

Divorce is messy and so is marriage and oft times life is messy and hard to understand why one's best was not good enough for the scoundrel one married (;})

The truth is all that is not serving is peeling away. God has a plan but our anger and resentments separates us from our soul or source.

This is the meaning of sin- it blocks out true nature or our true reason for being here

It will get beetter and it will get worse, and accepting it and greiving is allyou can do, aside from getting some professional help- it is not clear if you have availability to such at work

Be kind to yourself and have ocmpassion for the feeling that may feel like you are less than, or have missed the boat

One of my clients an elderly man said to me one "Zaza-I've missed plenty of boats"

Me too, perhaps they were not our boat?

I am sending you support and love
ZZ

I am so sorry you are going through what you're going through. My heart goes out to you truly. Think about your children and always put them first. They need you more than anything in this world. Don't waste your time drinking yourself away. I would seek a good conselour to deal with this in a healthy way beside using drinking as a crutch. You sound like a really wonderful man and father. So when you feel sadden by this think about the most precious and greatest ones that came from that marriage. Your beautiful children. And create a "happy" "peaceful" life and space at your apartment for them. But always remind them you both will always be there for them. For your ex wife, never show your anger or talk bad about her in front of the children. They can sense tension and this would cause saddiness in there little hearts and discourage them from dealing with this. Divorce is a hard and heartbreaking thing to deal with. Especially for the children. I would still seek a good conselour to deal with this. Always be strong and be happy, Put your focus on your children and take better care of yourself. Because your children need you.



Love&Light Beautiful26