My life is over ! 
john25
14 y
9,156
† Cross †
In less than 2 months I will get married to a nut job who has utterly ruined me. I need advice as I can't get through this alone.
About 2 years a go I met this gorgeous woman at church who had just become a christian after years of abuse from her parents and an ex. All the guys in church fancied her and to my astonishment she asked me out on a date. She was charming, funny, warm and very sexy and I fell for her. She wanted sex and the more I declined, the harder she tried to seduce me. Eventually I caved in and I enjoyed the best sex of my life. However, she became very controlling and manipulative. Soon as I suggested sex she would flip and call me all kind of names and said I was perverted. All I want to do is use her for sex and I don't care about her and I was a very bad person in her eyes. Next day she would be all over me again. Other times we would prepare a night in with a nice meal and some wine and she would come on to me, then minutes before sex, suddenly start an argument and she would storm off to the bedroom crying, leaving me very confused and angry. She would constantly change her mind about something. I never knew where I stood with her as she wanted to move in with me, then didn't, then did, didn't and finally did want to move in all within a 3 month period. Phew !
She didn't like any of my friends, especially female friends. So and so was a whore, my ex was a lucky girl who escaped from my clutches. Nothing I did was good enough, I was to fat, I needed to change my wardrobe, I needed to cut my hair in a certain style. She constantly argued and was a nightmare. It got bad and before I dumped her I told her to get some help. By the time I left I was a mess, stressed out and my health took a battering.
Fast forward a year and a bit and I bumped into her again. She looked amazing, she was a different person. All smiles, calm and collected, not the intense psycho woman who made my life hell. She explained she's been seeing a counselor and have been on medication. It was a full 2 months seeing her as a friend before I asked her out on a date. We slept together and 3 months later she told me she's pregnant. I was mortified but thought we can get through this. To my horror the old mental girlfriend returned. Bit by bit she started to turn into the nightmare I knew.
I agreed to marry her for our child's sake but know I will either go mad or will have to run because no man can go through this twice. I'm only 25 and it feels like my life is over.
She sounds as if she is narcissistic and I was wondering if anyone had advice on how to deal with this situation. I won't leave my child so will want to be living there with her. Is it a condition that can be cured ? How do I live with someone with NPD ?
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- Re: My life is over ! BlueRose
14 y
8,317
This is a reply to # 1,652,591First of all---are you 100% certain that it's your child? Before going any further with her, insist on a DNA test.
Even if it is your child, you don't have to marry her. However, you do have to be involved in your child's life (if it even is your child). Staying involved is especially important given that the baby's mother is a psycho. Be prepared for the possibility that at some point you may have to petition the courts for full custody of the child. At the very least, expect to regularly pay child support. I can't stress this enough --- if it is your child, you must stay involved in the child's life. That poor child will need some stability---that's why I say be prepared to push for full custody at some point.
Stop thinking that your life is over! Yes, if it is your child, your life has forever changed. However, you don't have to go through with marrying her.
And, please, for your own sake, get some counseling. You need to find out just why you got so attracted to someone like her. Counseling will help you gain insight into this and help you learn not to once again get attracted to this type of person.
Good luck and get going! I can't stress it enough --- insist on a DNA test! Also, I know that this is going to sound preachy but, in the future, if you don't want an unplanned pregnancy to occur---please use a condom!
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- Re: My life is over ! john25
14 y
8,075
This is a reply to # 1,652,751Thanks for the advice. I have asked for DNA test which obviously brought forth rage and contempt from her. How could you even think that I would cheat on you ? She has agreed so it is going ahead. We did use protection and unfortunately for me it didn't work.
I'm planning to be fully involved in my child's life so will most likely live apart. My biggest concern is the psychological warfare that she will throw my way. Will I be able to withstand it ? She loves playing games so will do everything to prevent me from seeing my child as she is that kind of person. Obviously I will use the right channels if that would come true.
Thanks again.
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- Re: My life is over ! Iolite
14 y
7,938
This is a reply to # 1,652,767Start documenting her behavior. Get witnesses if possible. So if it comes to going to court to get custody and cut her parental ties, you'll have some ammunition.
iolite
- Re: My life is over ! Iolite
14 y
7,938
- Re: My life is over ! john25
14 y
8,075
- Re: My life is over ! Crucified4NoSins
14 y
8,112
This is a reply to # 1,652,591She sounds more Histrionic than NPD dude,
I personally don't think she has NPD, the two can sometimes be confused, as can NPD and Borderline.
She could be Bipolar too, although then she'd be on a manic phase, then depressive, or hypomanic, then depressive, so it sounds to me more like Histrionic.
If she is Histrionic, therapy and I think some meds can help make thigns bearable.
However, if she is a Narcissist (Somatic Narcissist if she is one), then chances are, she won't be able to be cured to be brutally honest with you, Narcissists don't see themselves as having anything wrong with them and they don't have empathy towards people, they like being punitive as it gives them a sense of power and control, that's their main thing - power and control.
My advice to you is, answer to us if she has the following :
# Grandoise sense of self
# Treats people like Objects
# Has an overt self esteem to an abnormal level
# Has a huge sense of entitlement
# Has quick attachment and abandonment
If she does, chances are she could be.
I agree with BlueRose though, you should yourself talk to someone, it seems that either you were manipulated and genuinely thought she changed (if she is a narcissist, fat chance she will ever change), or you have codependent symtoms due to low self esteem.
Either way, it's not too good for you.
With Histrionics, you can persuade her to get some help, with Narcs, it's NC, only way to deal with them.
Get a paternity test, make sure it's your kid, and if it is, hope to God that there is a way you can get main custody or something, as a narcissist makes a HORRIBLE parent, not to try to scare you, but it goes anywhere from manipulating, devaluing and controlling the child in the mild form, to even abuse and molestation in the extreme forms (as they see people as mere extensions of themselves, and have zero empathy or sympathy) - Re: My life is over ! #68716
14 y
8,027
This is a reply to # 1,652,591
Um..........I expect that this is going to come accross as harsh. So be it. Are you NUTS??? NEVER, EVER marry someone for the "sake of the child" without 100% DNA proof that the child is, indeed, yours, and then consider other options if this potential partner displays the types of behaviors that you're describing! This is the oldest ploy in the books, and one that you do NOT have to react to. DNA testing would seem the most prudent thing to do. That she is refusing this to you should be a screaming, flapping, waving RED FLAG for you to frigging RUN like your ass was on fire!
Counseling? I doubt it. It just sounds as if she may have learned new manipulation techniques - up until the time that proof is required, yes?
If the child is, indeed, your offspring, marriage will NOT be the best option to someone like this. The best option would be to seek full physical custody, child support from her, and raise the child in the best way that you can. Marriage is a legal, binding contract just the same as a business contract - easy to enter and very, very difficult to dissolve. Picture yourself with this woman 5 years from now. Do you honestly believe that it would be a wise decision to enter into a legal, binding contract with this woman? It costs tens of thousands of dollars to divorce, and incalculable emotional damage for all parties involved, especially a child.
Give this some very serious consideration, for your own sake.
Best wishes.
- Re: My life is over ! john25
14 y
7,950
This is a reply to # 1,659,000Thanks everyone for their support. Soulfulsurvivor, I have decided not to get married to her. My parents are not happy but at least I know I won't be getting divorced in 6 months which is guaranteed to happen. I did a DNA test and the child is mine. Our little girl is to be born any day now.
Since I told her I won't marry her she's been a nightmare, even more so than usual. I get the " You won't see our child until ... add whatever demand she comes up with that day .. " or the " You have no right to demand anything, this is your fault ". Trying to reason with a loon is like arguing with a wall. I honestly pray I get through this. I am lucky I have my parents who have been supportive, upset but supportive.
It seems the more time i spend with her the worse the arguments gets. I stay away for a week then everything is fine for a short while then BAM, she pushes me away and the arguments start. What shocks me is her ever changing moods, possibly made worse by her pregnancy. I love you, having this baby is right as we are meant to be together, to me telling her off for being in contact with an ex who she has been meeting up with. I only get upset as friends of mine have seen them together and said they seemed real cosy. She insists nothing is going on between them.
So in the end I have to think of my child but also my sanity. I can see her dating other men and me looking after our child while she has fun but I am getting legal advice so all should work out.
- Re: My life is over ! BlueRose
14 y
8,166
This is a reply to # 1,660,198I'm glad you came back with an update. IMO, you are doing the right thing by not marrying her. Also, it's good that you are getting legal advice. I would recommend that you follow the advice iolite gave you, and that is to document her abusive behavior. You may well find that you will have to fight for sole custody of your daughter at some point. Best wishes to you!
- good for you!!!! #68716
14 y
7,873
This is a reply to # 1,660,198
Personally, I feel that you have made a very, very wise decision.
I echo Blue Rose's suggestion to document, document, DOCUMENT. Yeah, the escalation in her behavior may be due to her hormonal imbalance during pregnancy, but she was like this BEFORE. If she's meeting up with other men while she's this far gone in her pregnancy and you're still living with her, this is never, ever, EVER going to improve for you, or for your precious baby. This gal is a problem to anyone that she comes into contact with - male, female, or infant. By documenting everything from threats to hooking up with men at this stage of her pregnancy, it will NOT sit well with Family Court. She doesn't sound fit to be a parent, a partner, OR a pet-owner!
If it were me, I'd get the legal wheels in motion yesterday, whether or not anybody else approved. It's not THEIR burden to bear and not their place to stand in judgment. If I felt that I had to remain until the baby was born, I'd do that solely with the intent of taking my infant WITH me when I either left, or kicked her to the curb. I'd be documenting everything using exact quotes, dates, times, and facts, and avoid the temptation to add my personal views or emotions - strictly the facts, and nothing added.
Good luck to you, and post back.
- Re: good for you!!!! john25
14 y
7,832
This is a reply to # 1,660,762I just want to thank everyone for their advice again. It has been therapeutic. I don't want to waste this forums time on my issues, however your opinions and advice are appreciated. I think it's safe to say the woman is mad, I don't need to know it's name to know that.
My baby girl has been born but things have gotten a lot worse, and very quickly so. A few weeks before the birth my sister happened to drive pass a local burger king and she was in there with her ex kissing. My sis got a couple of good pictures of them holding hands and locking lips. I knew this bitch would ruin me but never knew she would be this low.
I confronted her with the proof and she went crazy ... it's my fault for not treating her well, she had to run to another man because I'm giving her a hard time. I'm not giving her enough of my time or money to help her get by and blah blah blah. That made me mad as I have bent over backwards for this stupid woman and paid for everything and put up with her mental issues. If that wasn't bad enough our argument went on long enough for the neighbors to call the police. I was escorted out and told not to contact her as she wanted an injunction preventing me from seeing her or my baby. I'm waiting for some legal advice to get this sorted for once and for all.
Shortly afterwords she text me saying she wanted to stay in touch by phone, and that she needed some money. Bingo ! I knew then that I had to change my tactics with her. I got her to send me a legal letter stating that I am ok to call or text her, and went online to read up about narcissist traits. I told her a fat lie only so I can keep the peace, and have a chance of seeing my child until I can get the law involved. I have documented everything now, from texts to every behavior. I am now able to see her as she needs me, unfortunately the truth is for my money, well, my parents money to be exact.
I told her lies like I love her, I played to what a narcissist wants to hear. That she is beautiful, she is the woman of my dreams, she's the best thing since sliced bread. My parents and sister thinks she is such a blessing to me and want to be there at the birth. I told her my dad is keeping a large amount of money, she adores money, ready for us to have our own place in a few months time. Her face lit up so i knew I hit the jack pot!I keep doing errands for her now and make sure I'm with her most of the time which is awful as we argue but it's what I believe I have to do to right now.
About her ex, I got a large framed friend of mine to have a quiet word with him, nothing illegal but I believed he had gotten the message to stay away. He did for a while but I caught him driving past her place a few times so I am guessing they are in contact again. To make matters worse, my one friend found her profile on a local dating site which is currently active. Ugh ... I joined the site and used a picture of the best looking guy I could find and arrange a date to see if she takes the bait. I now have a date with my girlfriend and she wants to meet up. I'll be at home while she goes on a non existent date. Ha, would love to see her face when her date doesn't pitch up. Another mistake she made which is documented.
I got an appointment with legal advice tomorrow so will get the ball rolling to sort this mess out for once and for all. Thanks again everyone.
- Congratulations... #68716
14 y
8,003
R
This is a reply to # 1,662,522
Congratulations on the birth of your beautiful baby!
I will offer some suggestions on dealing with this situation of cruel insanity, if I may be so bold.
1. DO NOT attempt to play the same "games" that she does - saying what you think she wants to hear, etc., will only come back to bite you in the proverbial ass. I promise you, this is 100% true.
2. DO NOT give in to the impulse to allow a third party to "speak" on your behalf to her, her ex, or anyone else who might be involved in HER issues. Again, this will come back to bite you in the proverbial ass, I promise you. Separate yourself from her, entirely.
3. DO NOT answer any text messages, phone calls, voice-mails, emails, or any other attempts at communicating with you. There will be no reasonable discussions with this woman, and there will be no positive outcome of any "discussion." Regardless of the tone, the pleading, or the threats, do not entertain any communications from her - just document them.
4. DO save every text message, email, voice-mail, etc., that can be documented proof of her games. Keep them ALL, even the ones where she will attempt to woo you back. Print out emails, etc. - make copies for your own records and give copies each to your attorney and counselor.
5. DO document every quote that she says, verbatim. ONLY FACTS, and not personal insights or feelings. Do not add, embellish, or omit anything, including your own words, if you choose to respond.
6. DO keep a written log of these in-person, or verbal conversations in a notebook - NOT on a computer. DO note the date, time, and circumstances of each conversation. Carry a small notepad around in your pocket and a little "golf" pencil - you know, the kind that they give out at golf courses.
7. DO look into individual counseling for yourself - this road is going to be a very long, very hard, and VERY rough for you.
8. DO maintain your courage and devotion to the innocent life that has been produced and always remember that your beautiful little girl did NOT have a choice as to whom she would be born to - advocate for your daughter.
9. DO post back with developments and your personal progress - vent, if you need to, just so you can maintain a clear head throughout these proceedings.
10. DO seek out an attorney and individual counselor that are both familiar with PSTD, domestic violence/abuse, and sociopathy. To accomplish this, consult your local attorney and mental health referral services, and explain everything to the "intake" person. If you do not have the money to spend on an attorney, you may be able to seek Legal Aid to gain custody of your daughter.
11. DO align yourself with a support group/advocacy group for victims of domestic violence/abuse - they will have a multitude of resources available to help you to help your daughter.
12. Finally, DO recognize that you are a valuable human being. You made a bad decision to get involved with this gal, but LET IT GO and learn from this experience. Become the wise, supportive, and emotionally healthy man that your daughter is going to need so that she doesn't become the same as her egg donor.
Bless you, young man. May your path be one of healing and wisdom.
- Congratulations... #68716
14 y
8,003
R
- Re: good for you!!!! john25
14 y
7,832
- Re: My life is over ! BlueRose
14 y
8,166
- Re: My life is over ! john25
14 y
7,950
- Re: My life is over ! BlueRose
14 y
8,317
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