The thing I did before is another thing I am absolutely ashamed of, and something I don't even understand.

Like many other boys, I masturbated for a long time, and I thought nothing of it. I also mentally pictured a lot of girls, usually from my class, and it was just a habit of self pleasure I had. I never really thought about it, it was almost like a chore that I forgot about every time.

So I met my girlfriend, and we were 'something' for just a week. We went pretty quickly, and after about 3 days we were already cuddling. Because I was temperamental, angry, arrogant, short sighted and stupid, after she made an inconsequential joke and said she didn't really want to come over after I had baked her a cake that morning, I started ignoring her. Like, completely, not even looking at her right at the next break. I didn't talk to her or anything. Just stood there.

On that weekend, she came over with one of my friends and I let them in. They kept talking to me, and I just stood there, pretending to ignore them, being a dick.

For about the next 2 and a half months, I ignored her, for absolutely no reason at all, and I still can't fathom why I do it.

Eventually, I decided I would be nice, and finally talked back. We said we would be strictly friends. So we hung out once again, and started hanging out almost every day. It slowly developed, over several months, into something very romantic, and she cared about me very much, and I believed that I loved her too. However, I was still quite a bit of a dick.

She asked me one time whether I masturbated. I lied and said no. Why? I still don't know why. It wasn't a big deal, but I don't know why I lied. So I tried to do it less. I thought for some absurd reason that me masturbating would bother her something terrible. So I did it less, but I still did it, and felt guilty about it.

Anyway, at one point I had to leave her for a week and go on a trip with my parents. On the trip, I thought about girls from my school sexually, and although I didn't masturbate, as I thought that was what bothered her, I still thought about them. After we came back, she told me about how much she missed me, and how happy she was to see me. I missed her too, but I scarcely thought about her on the trip.I was happy to see her though. The point is that I was careless and incredibly mean. She cared so much about me, and I was a f***ing dick.

A month or a few later, she asked what I thought about when I masturbated. I told her, and she asked about all the people I had pictured. IN my incredible stupidity, I honestly didn't realize that what would bother her was the fact that I pictured other people. I HONESTLY didn't realize this, and I thought nothing of it. Worst of all, the whole time I had known her, I only thought of her twice. I seriously thought that she would think I'm sick or gross or would be disappointed. sexua| thoughts of her would often occur to me, but I would always think "no, I should wait." So I told her that I never thought about her, and I honestly didn't understand how this would make her feel.

Obviously, she felt like she was disgusting, and thought that I thought she was completely gross, worse than all the weird people I had thought of. I instantly understood how disgusting and wrong what I did was, and never did it again. However, the damage had been done. I'm still trying to make her understand that I think she's beautiful, and I'm not lying; I do. But considering how I had lied, and how I had treated her, with ignoring her and then thinking about other people, she obviously had every right to feel terrible. I've been trying my hardest to make up for it all this time, I really have. I wish I could go back and undo my whole life, I feel like I messed everything up in the worst way and I would honestly cut all my fingers and toes off with rusty jagged knife this second if it would let me put everything right without a second thought.

This, and I told her today about the homosexuality thing. She is rightfully disgusted with me, as am I, but I wanted to tell the truth and get it off my chest. Some things can only be done the hard way.