I have been saddened by reading some of the posts in this forum, especially when I see the amount of guilt that is being experienced by so many.

First, some background on me: I had an abortion when I was an unmarried 18 year old. I got married the following year, and God has graciously blessed me with 11 living children and I am currently expecting #12 in June. I have lost five other babies to miscarriage. No, I am not a Roman Catholic, nor are all these children replacements for the one I had murdered, though I can honestly say that my eldest child was. I don't know why God has been so merciful to me. I know I am not worthy of His grace or forgiveness, but I am eternally thankful for it.

For five years I kept the guilt of that abortion to myself. Guilt is sometimes the result of a false belief, but often it is the result of a conscience that accuses one of violating that ethical standard that exists outside of us, which we all refer to when designating something to be right or wrong.

I finally reached bottom soon after the birth of my second child and was in great despair, when God, in His mercy, sent me to a wise pastor who provided the remedy for my soul. In Proverbs 28:13 it says, "He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy."

Denial, blaming others, trying to justify my actions -- all it got me was despair. It wasn't until I admitted that ultimately, it was MY DECISION, and not the lack of understanding I thought my parents would show, the pressure from my boyfriend, and the bad advice of friends that got me there, that I was able to find relief. I confessed the sin of murder of my child to the Lord and sought repentance and forgiveness that can only come from Him through His Son. God made Him who had no sin to be sin for us that we might become the righteousness of God. (II Corinthians 5:21)

Confession means to agree with God about your actions. Repentance is to turn from them and seek the forgiveness and mercy of God through Christ, who is the only one who can pay for and atone for that sin. You can't ever work off this debt yourself and you can end in misery and a suicidal despair like I did if you try. Or else become a hardened, angry woman like many others have done.

I want to emphasize that many women and men can feel sorry for what they have done and they feel the effects of it. I fear that we do people a dis-service if we suggest that present difficulties in conceiving, habitual spontaneous abortion, and infertility are not sometimes the result of having an abortion. All abortion procedures carry risks with them that can have serious consequences to further childbearing. Is this evidence of God's punishment? Sometimes yes, sometimes no. If a person decided to commit suicide, and threw themselves in front of a train but survived with the loss of their legs, they would still bear the consequence of being legless for the rest of their life, though they might repent of the sin of self-murder. But consequences need not be punishments. Sometimes they are the means that God uses to drive us to Him, and they keep us dependant upon Him in a way that being whole and sound won't. In this case they are *mercies* and not punishments.

I want to urge those women who read this forum not to merely experience sorrow that leads to further hopelessness until death, but to experience true repentance that leads to life. There *is* hope and forgiveness. There is payment for this terrible debt of guilt and oppression you carry, but it isn't one you can pay for yourself. God promises that He is the rewarder of those who seek Him diligently. Cry out to God in repentance and plead for mercy and He will hear you, as He did me. It is your only hope of salvation and the only means of peace and reconciliation with Him that I have found to work, not only for myself, but in the lives of other women who have taken this path.

May God grant peace that passes understanding to those who seek His face, not as a Judge, but as a Savior.