Survival for non-BPD individuals 
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I am not representing my views and/or opinions as anything more than personal experience based upon over 15 years of experience with a BPD individual and having produced one (of two) children diagnosed with BPD. I am not a physician, therapist, counselor, attorney, or any other professional. Take any of this information that you may find helpful and leave the rest.
BPD is one of the most difficult disorders to diagnose and treat. Unless the BPD individual is thoroughly courageous, honest, and willing to do the grueling personal work, he/she will continue a downward spiral. There is no cure for BPD and medications (i.e. antidepressants) tend to mask the unnerving symptoms of this ruinous disorder, rather than "curing" the symptoms. As with most psychological/psychiatric conditions, this disorder can be successfully managed. What is imperative for the friends, family, and significant others of BPD individuals to understand is that they are NOT crazy!
Many of the traits that non-BPD find attractive in a BPD individual are traits that are non-existant. The outward appearance of the BPD person may seem to be caring, loving, passionate, concerned, etc. - these "traits" have been carefully cultivated in an effort to hide the BPD individual's personal insecurities, emotional trauma, etc. Once the non-BPD has been ensnared (for lack of a better description), they are typically separated from their own network of support, down to close family members. A noticable orgy of lavish spending can be documented as the BPD individual cycles through highs and lows, as well as rabid sexual behavior. Intimacy does not always refer to sexual activity, and the BPD individual is absolutely incapable of emotional intimacy. Sexual activity, in particular, replaces intimacy. In my case, my ex-spouse replaced extravagant spending with sexual foreplay and would often make enormous purchases without my knowledge - only years later, when we were forced into joint bankruptcy, did I learn of a number of "secret" loans and credit accounts that had been opened. The potential for emotional and physical violence and abuse is an almost certainty in a BPD relationship. Because the BPD individual cannot control him/herself and is incapable of admitting mistake, they will seek to control others and lay blame wherever they can, to include: spouses, friends, children, in-laws, teachers, co-workers, etc.
The BPD individual strives to present an acceptable outward appearance, so much so that the non-BPD individual will often appear unstable, even to their own family members. Or, the non-BPD individual has accepted the role of co-dependent to such a degree that "outsiders" will often view the BPD and non-BPD individuals as "...the perfect couple..." The BPD individual will often have a store of psychological knowledge as a result of the non-BPD indidual attending counseling or psycho-therapy and use specific buzzwords to further control the non-BPD individual. At this point, the non-BPD individual has fallen into the status of abuse victim. Often, the abuse victim ends up on psychotherapeudic drugs, but the spiral of abuse continues: emotional, verbal, physical, sexual, financial, spiritual - the non-BPD individual finds that they have become a shell of their pre-BPD-victim selves, and, regardless of years of counseling, see suicide as a viable alternative. Another symptom of co-dependency of the non-BPD individual might be frequent illnesses and/or injuries, feelings of helplessness (nothing that the non-BPD individual does is "up to par" or "acceptable" by the BPD individual), use/abuse of prescribed medications, doctor-shopping, to name a few. Another glaring indication is recognizing that "friends" are selected, screened, approved, and allowed by the BPD individual, as per his/her needs, at the time. Most non-BPD individuals have an extraordinarily difficult time cultivating a network of friends unless the BPD individual is actively involved in the process.
It is important to note that the non-BPD individual cannot, under any circumstances, be held responsible for the actions of the BPD individual, their diagnosis, or the success of their treatment. The non-BPD individual will often be torn between what they "love" about the BPD individual and those aspects that are intolerable. Often, the non-BPD individual will accept the abusive treatment of the BPD individual because they mistakenly believe that they can "help" their BPD individual "change," or "see the light," or "get help." The non-BPD individual IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THE BEHAVIOR AND/OR CHOICES OF THE BPD INDIVIDUAL! The non-BPD individual may have agreed to be involved in a number of bad choices and/or decisions, but it is extremely important for the non-BPD individual to acknowledge their compliance and refuse to accept any/all stupid, dangerous, risky, foolish behavior and/or decisions at the behest of the BPD individual. In my case, I was counseled that I was no longer required to defend my personal choices, nor was I required to engage in arguments or bad behavior. Unfortunately, my BPD individual would follow me from room-to-room, screaming insults and ridiculous allegations at the back of my head. During this time, I began to recognize and accept my role as a co-dependent and put an end to my compliance in such choices as: financial coersion of my parents; fraudulent insurance claims ostensibly to "pay off bills;" religious/spiritual compliance (being "allowed" to practice one specific religion); sexual compliance (performing sexual acts to appease the BPD individual); inventing cover stories to excuse and/or dismiss unacceptable behavior; etc. Although the coping techniques opened a very positive door for me, emotionally, the BPD individual refused to acknowledge any of the behavior, choices, and coersions that had irreversibly damaged me, our children, and our marriage. Once it was an absolute certainty that the BPD individual wasn't willing to engage in honest, courageous, and intensive personal therapy, I made a choice to end the relationship, even at the expense of my extended family members. I escaped from the morass of BPD with my life under my own initiative and effort. Others are not as lucky.
Sadly, most people who make an effort to exit a BPD relationship find that they are virtually friendless (and, sometimes without support of their own family members), fearful, and in physical danger from their BPD individual. If there are children involved, they will be used by the BPD individual as tools of coersion, threat, control, etc. In some cases, the only way to survive a BPD relationship is to formulate a plan of escape, taking only the children, important documents, a few clothing items, and get to a "safe house," whether it is a shelter for the abused, distant relative, or agency dwelling.
Because most BPD individuals will not pursue therapy, counseling, or behavior management, exiting the relationship is often the only means to survive, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually, etc. Again, if children are involved, they are at extreme risk of watching the behavioral cycles, learning to mimic them, and possibly evolving into BPD individuals, themselves - there is strong evidence that BPD is genetic.
If you are involved in a BPD relationship and in fear of your life, contact your local police department, immediately. DO NOT THREATEN to call the Police! Do not ever threaten to do anything that you have no intention of following through on! Do not announce your intentions, ever. "I am calling the Police," is almost a guarantee that you will jeopardize your life. DO NOT keep any lists of counselors, attorneys, friends, etc., anywhere that the BPD individual could find them. DO NOT use a computer or cell phone that the BPD individual has access to as a means of communication, research, etc. - any and all outside relationships will be used against you! If you need to communicate with your safety network, use pay phones and calling cards, and public library computers. Do not, under any circumstance, tell the children of any plans that you may be formulating, such as: "You know, mommy hasn't been well, lately, and we might have to go on a little trip/vacation without her." BPD individuals are extraordinarily clever at wheedling information from children who are also victims of the BPD individual. DO NOT tell estranged family members of your plans - more than likely, the estrangement was due to the machinations of the BPD individual. DO NOT, ever, ever, ever, allow firearms or other weapons to be stored in your home - if you have a reasonable concern for your safety (or, for that of the BPD individual and children), remove all weapons from your living quarters!
Keep a running log of dates, times, topics, discussions, and bizarre/abusive behavior before, during, and after you exit. Record precise quotes and/or behavioral descriptions without embellishment or emotional discourse. Include your own remarks and behavior, even if it requires that you admit to any type of inappropriate responses or behavior. This log will not only be helpful to you, in court, but it may provide the BPD individual with tangible evidence of their disorder. Do not, under any circumstances, provide the BPD individual with personal contact information, once you have exited. If the BPD individual wishes to communicate, let them do it through a third party, particularly if children are involved!
Finally, if the non-BPD individual chooses to remain with the BPD in the hopes that he/she will choose to get help for themselves in the form of INDIVIDUAL THERAPY, it is imperative that the non-BPD individual find their own personal counselor/therapist to learn positive, reasonable coping mechanisms when interacting with the BPD individual. Remember, the likelihood of the BPD individual actually embarking upon the long, arduous, difficult journey to managing their disorder is slim, at best. Nothing the non-BPD individual can do will fix, heal, help, propel, or, otherwise, cure their friend's or loved one's disorder. The non-BPD individual is only responsible for his/her choices and behavior - they are not required to engage in any behavior or choice that might cause any type of personal damage to themselves, friends, or family members.
Best of luck to everyone in the Real World, particularly those who suffer BPD. Don't be afraid! Get help, be honest, courageous, and BPD CAN BE MANAGED!
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Angelwings1964
18 y
77,453
This is a reply to # 780,158I appreciate your article but I do have a few comments on it. I agree w/ essentially everything you said but object to the use of the words "most" BPDs. BPD like any other illness or mental illness has levels of severity. It sounds as if you were dealing with a severe level BPD individual. Many people have BPD and cope and exist relatively well in life and w/ others. The lower the severity of the disorder, the more hopeful treatment can be. Additionally, as the BPD person ages, symptoms tend to decrease, in the LESS severe cases.
Let us also remember that BPD individuals are not born. They are created from childhood by being victimized by abuse themselves in most cases. BPD is simply a cluster of toxic personality characteristics that developed over time in order to assist the BPD person in the terrible situation they were in.
Additionally, BPD can be cured, in my opinion. I know people who were accurately diagnosed w/ BPD and now they are symptom free and do not fit the DSM criteria for diagnosis any longer.
A spiritual approach to BPD has worked for many people as well. I am not talking religion. I'm talking a REAL spiritual approach to developing the innerself and inner core personality. See http://www.laurapaxton.com for more information about this.
Let's discuss some positive characteristics of the BPD person. They tend to be exceptionally intelligent, creative, and passionate. They feel other people's emotions and feelings. They feel everything acutely. Some have called it emotional regulation disorder. Yes, they can go into fits of rage. I believe the way you described the "false face" that BPDs put on to appear normal as almost deceptive. These people learned to put on a happy face during horribly abusive situations in many cases. They don't put on the happy face to suck people in. It's a way to cover over the turmoil going on inside. I also disagree that most BPDs do nice things and show great concern for others as a facade. In fact, many BPDs are natural empaths and feel the pain of others acutely. Yes, BPDs tend toward manipulation and control of others, however redirected those skills are exceptionally useful in the field of marketing, advertising, and sales. Show the BPD the positive way these traits can be channeled. BPDs control because at one time they felt utterly helpless and left w/ no control. Their little minds decided never again would this happen, and they began to use manipulation and control tactics to get their needs met. EVERYONE has some of the traits and characteristics of BPD at different times in our lives. However, in the BPD individual the issue is pervasive over a long period of time.
It's no picnic living w/ a person who is BPD although many marriages do work out and are loving. Yes, living w/ a BPD individual is a roller coaster ride and if their level of severity is strong and they refused treatment, leaving may be the best choice for the non-BPD person.
Angel
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals #68716
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This is a reply to # 781,485Agreed...
"Most" is really not a fair term - my apologies. The main point is that any individual suffering from any disorder must seek help, themselves. And, anyone with any disorder may find coping mechanisms in different venues: spiritual; counseling/therapy; etc. But, to say that anyone is "cured" of such a potentially devastating disorder is, in my view, incorrect, though optimistic. A person who suffers an eating disorder will always, and forever, be coping with whatever triggers their cycles, regardless of how long they have been successfully managing their issues. Similarly, a "former" abuser will always, and forever, be actively coping with whatever triggers their rage issues. "Cure" is a word that I would love to see as a reality, though I believe that "management" is a far better description.
Thanks for the input!
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals #62549
17 y
74,138
This is a reply to # 781,491Hi,
I do have to disagree with you. If a person meets the diagnostic criteria for an illness, and works through the issues with medication, therapy, etc. and then no longer meets the diagnostic criteria for the illness, then they are cured. There are BPDs who have been cured. They get help, they learn new coping strategies, and then they no longer meet the DSM IV-TR criteria for BPD. In my mind, that means they are no longer BPD. If you have cancer, assume treatment, then no cancer is found in your body, do you still say "I have cancer?" No, you say "Thank God! I was cured of cancer!" Can you ever get cancer again, well sure, but for the time being you do not have it in your body. They say if you remain cancer free for I think 5 years, then you are no longer at a higher risk for developing cancer again than anyone else. If a BPD stays symptom free for 5 years, it's safe to assume that they are not going to relapse.
You mention eating disorders, some people with "addictions" which include alcohol, drugs, etc.. are "said" by some programs to never be cured because the potential for relpase is always present. The 12 Step programs feel this way. Once an alcoholic, always an alcoholic. I say that every individual is different. If you've gone many years w/o engaging in the addiction and feel absolutely no pull towards it at all, then you are no more likely to engage in it again than someone else is to begin engaging in it. There ARE people though that do fight this tendency all of their lives and it's a tough struggle. They need the ongoing and continuing support of programs like AA, NA, etc to remain sober. I would say that these ones are not cured but are in remission. If they were to engage in the addiction again (alcohol, drugs, eating disorders) they would be back to where they were before starting recovery and worse.
However, I look at mental disorders from a more biological perspective than moral weakness perspective. In my opinion, Borderlines were created due to hard lives as children mostly and due to the toxic ways they learned to cope. If these ones are able to understand their illness, agree to action to change, and maintain recovery from symptoms for a long period of time, why continue to view them as BPD?
Now, take a person who is Bipolar and it's a chemical imbalance in their brain treated w/ medications and they are fine and the symptoms are in control while they are on medication. They are not "cured." They have Bipolar illness which is controlled w/ medications. However, if they go off the medication, and their brain chemicals are able to remain in balance for a long period time and they have no symptoms of Bipolar, then they are cured. This RARELY happens with Bipolar illness or Schizophrenia because it is very biologically based.
On the other hand, BPD can have a chemical component (depression, anxiety, etc), the main characteristics of BPD are behavioral in nature, not chemical. Behaviorial/coping issues can be cured.
Can an abuser to cured? YES! Of course they can. Anyone CAN abuse, and anyone can stop abusing, if they get the proper help. Many abusers came from abusive families. They are not evil people. They learned toxic ways of relating to others and controlling through fear and intimidation. I have personally seen an abuser change. They went through an EXTENSIVE anger management and domestic violence training program and they are healed 100% and have been for over 20 years. The issue is this- does the abuser see their behavior as a problem and do they want to change?
Also, not to get overly religious here, personally I'm a spiritual person, not religious but.....have you ever witnessed true conversion? Have you ever witnessed an extreme paradigm change cause by a spiritual or deeply profound experience? I have. I don't doubt the validity of it. God, the way that you may understand him, has power, is a higher power, and that power is, well, powerful. It's life changing. It's life altering. No, I'm not going to go off and preach a sermon. I'm not talking converting into a "religon." I'm talking a true deeply meaningful spiritual experience where you know that you know that you know there is a higher power in your life and that you are important. That changes people. The worst of people.
I don't want to negate your initial post about the profound difficulty of living w/ a severely BPD individual. It's one of the most problematic of mental disorders. The characteristic symptoms, acting out, and traits of a BPD person who has a high level of severity is definitely not something to Sugar coat. I could not live with a severely BPD individual. I don't have the patience or the tolerance for it. The less severe individuals are the most likely to be able to conceptualize their illness, understand it and it's origins, and to work through the pain into recovery and then cure.
Thank you for the discussion.
Angel
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals #62549
17 y
74,138
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals winterbloom
12 y
65,787
This is a reply to # 781,485"They feel other people's emotions and feelings."
That's a very false statement. BPDs feel THIER OWN emtotions and feelings very intensley. They feel it with such intensity because its to the exclusion of all else. Yes, that includes other people's feelings. BPDs are not empaths. Empathy is about caring, feeling, and knowing what it is like for other people. BPDs (and all cluster B personality disorders) are crippled by an intense focus on the self. Their own emotions are thus magnified. One cannot be as self-centered as these people are and be empaths. They are intensely focused on their own dramas, their own pain, their own needs, their own emotions to such a pathologically instense degree that is clouds out reality, and it most definately crowds out their ability to percieve other people's feelings. They only feel their own. That is the crux of their dysfunction. It's the reason why their relationships are so fraught with problems. To say that they feel other people's feelings is such a joke! No, their focus is always turned inwardly into themselves. It's the defining trait that makes them BPD. Even after they've behaved abusively toward someone and are asked to be accountable for it...do they show empathy then? No, even then they remain self-centered. They will turn on the pity party and cry. But not tears for the other person they hurt, these are self pity tears for THEMSELVES. This shows extreme self-centeredness.
Please clarify more accurately. Extreme emotional volatility is NOT the same as being an empath. One is emotion for the self, the other is emotion and awareness extended towards others. These are OPPOSITE qualities, not similiar!
You will have a hard time finding anyone with a cluster B personality disorder (BPD, narcissist, sociopath) who is also an empath. It's an oxymoron. While some BPDs may harm themselves more than they harm others, unlike sociopaths who stictly harm others...in both cases the disordered person is extremely self-centered and incapable of extending true empathy to others. Its just that a BPD may turn their self-centeredness inward to such a degree they become suicidal. This doesn't mean they are more sensitive. It means their turning their selfishness INWARD instead of OUTWARD. It means they are harming themselves instead of abusing others. Both are born from intense self centered emotions. Its just that one acts it out on others and another acts it out on themselves. You have to be extremely, intensely self focused, self obsessed, self centered to attempt suicide. It's not a sign of your sensitivity, its a sign of a person who is turning their self centered emotions inward into themselves in an obsessive manner. You do not understand BPD if you think their emotional volatilty indicates they are senstive empaths. They cannot see beyond their own emotions to gauge the emotions of others. They are trapped in a self centered prison.- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Free
11 y
55,344
This is a reply to # 1,937,771Thank you very much for your post, which you articulated with real perfection, I agree totally 100% with everything you said.
You could have been reading my mind and speaking my very words.
I have recently separated from my husband after 24years together, and have only recently, since our horrendous final break up, learnt that he has Bpd.
It is, as you rightly said all about them. Me me me and more me.
Even at the very end when I was in excruciating pain having to end our marriage. Despite, him refusing to get the help he needed and repeatedly failing to take responsibility for his part in helping to make our marriage work, he still, following uncontrollable abusive rages and bad behaviour, hating me, during confrontation, begged, pleaded, cried and used the poor me, pity me tactics, emotional blackmail, self harm and suicide attempts, and still, as always, it was all about him. His heart, his feelings, his pain, his marriage and his life.
The same man who supposedly couldn't bare and didnt want to live without me and tried to end his life, following which, he had a short stay in a mental health unit, (during which time, having shared everything with each other for 24years, he withdrew all consent for the psychiatrists and staff to discuss anything about him, his diagnosis and treatment with me) devalued, demonised and replaced me, with another woman in record breaking time, in the blink of an eye. (While he was in hospital receiving treatment). Is that crazy or is that crazy !,
Then still had the audacity to claim I broke my wedding vows for not accepting him and loving him or who he was and in sickness and in health.
Also, of course, It was because of me that he hurt himself and was suicidal.
You are so right, they are self pitying, self righteous and despite my husbands intelligence and success, he knew exactly what he was doing.
Whether it is intentional or not, it is still crazy making behaviour, which over time, irrespective of how strong you are as a person, completely drains you of energy, shatters your soul and reduces you to a shadow of your former self.
Thank you very much for your post. Hope you are doing well !!
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals #68716
11 y
55,403
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This is a reply to # 2,064,374FinallyFree, one of the most glaring facts about Bipolar Disorder is that is typically NOT the only diagnosis possible. Most individuals with BPD also have other personality disorders.
What the diagnosis is doesn't alter the individual's toxicity to others, whether they are spouses, children, coworkers, friends, and extended family.
For more information on this, visit http://www.180rule.com.
This is a dreadful situation to emerge from and I've been married and divorced 2 very disordered people. The process of victim recovery is very, very challenging and you can visit my CureZone blog, "Coping With Betrayal," to read about my personal experiences. Not pleasant reading, but truthful.
Best wishes to you and you're not alone in your recovery.- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Freeee
10 y
28,560
This is a reply to # 2,064,515SoulSurvivor, Thank you very much for your reply and post. I'm sorry to hear that you also had the soul shattering experience/s of being enmeshed with a partner or partners who are, let's say, emotionally unstable.
Shortly after I posted, my husband, who had serious attachment issues, (for which I became the trigger for all sorts of self harming and unacceptable reactive behaviour during any conflict) became unwell, was suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer and sadly passed away very soon after. Yes, I do think Its going to take a little while to grieve, recover and heal from the entire experience and his sudden passing.
I'm telling myself that everything in life happens for a reason and that life experiences happen FOR us and not TO us, as we often feel they do.
My husband is at peace now, so I have to learn to be and give myself the same. Perhaps, the experience was to bring me home to myself. To force me into partnering and loving myself. I've a lot of self and healing work to do, if I want to get well and thrive. Work in progress.
Thank you once again for your post and I wish you well in your own recovery and future.
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Freeee
10 y
28,560
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals GettingBetter1206
11 y
43,274
This is a reply to # 2,064,374Dear Finally Free,
Wish I could reach out and hug you... I so understand. In the end they make you feel like the crazy ones, especially if they are high functioning, because to the regular world they are ok most of the time..
I wish you future happiness, and the others on this link. We have so much to give just need the right recipient..
We must know and understand as we read the similarities... that the ones we loved have this and we must heal ourselves now. We have a chance to be happy, they sadly don't unless they wake up and make the serious effort to get mentally well.- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Free
10 y
32,773
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This is a reply to # 2,130,383Dear GettingBetter1206, sincere apologise for my very delayed reply. I have only just looked at the forum again for the first time this year and saw your lovely, warm comment and the other peoples comments. I want to say, thank you very very much for your post and especially for the hug. A big hug back to you. Your words are so true and I sincerely hope your user name is true for you now. I really do hope you are getting better. My husband was definitely high functioning and for the most part , during our entire marriage and nearly 25 years together, completely idealised me and treated me as if I was the only woman in the world. (Of course, while very flattering, I also was very aware that being sat on such a high pedestal was a very unsafe place to be and of course not reality). My husband made a shocking phone call to me out of the blue, shortly after I posted my story here for the very first time, to inform me that he had been suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer and was having emergency major surgery to ease his pain. (We hadn't legally separated and so were still husband and wife and both still joint owners of what was and is our marital home) There were things he wanted to say to me and he done so, then he sadly passed away suddenly just 12 days later of multiple organ failure. His partner didn't inform me. I learnt of his demise days after he'd passed away from her posts on facebook. Thankfully, still in time to arrange his funeral. She did however, go into his new apartment and remove all of his assets and personal possessions, including his/our car and van. Of course this is a police matter, as I am responsible as his legal wife and next of kin, for dealing with his estate, debts etc. Then just days after the funeral I collapsed myself while having a life threatening haemorrhage. I, myself was taken to hospital for emergency surgery. Now physically better, I'm working on myself to heal emotionally and get strong. I'm telling my story to you here, for no other reason other than to explain why it has taken me so long to look at the site and reply to your lovely post. Heal ourselves we must. You are so right in everything you said in your post. Sincere thanks again and the very best of wishes are being sent to you. Big hug and please continue to get better. Much love to you and to everyone here.Advertisement
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Free
10 y
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This is a reply to # 2,130,383Dear GettingBetter1206, sincere apologise for my very delayed reply. I have only just looked at the forum again for the first time this year and saw your lovely, warm comment and the other peoples comments.
I want to say, thank you very very much for your post and especially for the hug. A big hug back to you.
Your words are so true and I sincerely hope your user name is true for you now. I really do hope you are getting better.
My husband was definitely high functioning and for the most part , during our entire marriage and nearly 25 years together, completely idealised me and treated me as if I was the only woman in the world.
(Of course, while very flattering, I also was very aware that being sat on such a high pedestal was a very unsafe place to be and of course not reality).
My husband made a shocking phone call to me out of the blue, shortly after I posted my story here for the very first time, to inform me that he had been suddenly diagnosed with terminal cancer and was having emergency major surgery to ease his pain. (We hadn't legally separated and so were still husband and wife and both still joint owners of what was our marital home) There were things he wanted to say to me and done so, then he sadly passed away suddenly just 12 days.
His partner didn't inform me, I learnt of his demise days after he'd passed away from her posts on facebook.
Thankfully, still in time to arrange his funeral.
Then just days after the funeral I collapsed myself while having a life threatening haemorrhage. I, myself was taken to hospital for emergency surgery. Now physically better, I'm working on myself to heal emotionally and get strong.
I'm telling my story to you here, for no other reason other than to explain why it has taken me so long to look at the site and reply to your lovely post.
Heal ourselves we must. You are so right in what you say.
Sincere thanks again and the very best of wishes are being sent to you.
Big hug and please continue to get better. Much love. Finally free.
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Free
10 y
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals #68716
11 y
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals dannikpla
10 y
28,035
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Free
11 y
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals #68716
18 y
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- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Hester666
16 y
73,529
This is a reply to # 780,158This is the most accurate survival guide article that I have ever read online, I feel like this person is writing about my life! I have read many articles about BPD and how to survive as a Non-BPD and nothing compares to the absolute truthness of this article. I printed a copy of it and bring it with me everywhere, like it's my new bible!!! Thank you so much!!!
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals hankywanky
15 y
72,617
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wow! my life of the last 2 yrs! and i was always told i was the problem! now i know. they dont teach madness in engineering school so i was always trying to "fix" something without the help of the "broken" party.
too bad i didnt figure it out sooner!
destroyed: 1 beatiful family. 3 great kids. nice business. home. all gone after 25 years of toil!reputation, isolation, etc etc. thank u 4 ur post. at least we now know we're not alone. 2 bad they wont get help!- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals hankywanky
15 y
72,591
This is a reply to # 1,391,186oh and by the way the bpd in this case was a she. not that it matters. and she had an affair and used dv laws to falsely allege dom viol to extricate me from my own family. the law happily helps her. no proof necessary! boy did i learn. i still cant believe it!
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Finally Free
10 y
32,820
This is a reply to # 1,391,186hankyw, take care of yourself and I hope your healing journey is going well for you.
All the best.
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals hankywanky
15 y
72,591
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals mintymonty
14 y
75,081
This is a reply to # 780,158Excellent post.
I am a practicing psychotherapist married to a woman who (as much as my profession resists labels) fits into the definition of a 'borderline'. To be borderline and to survive requires the development and maintenance of a number of psyhological defences. Because the borderline is 'enmeshed', these defences become stronger than normally experienced in other individuals. In fact, as it is the construction of the defences that defines the presenting condition, it may be that the borderline also displays characteristics of other personality disorders (particularly of the dramatic cluster such as Narcissistic personality disorder). What it generally means for the partner of the BPD, is a confusion of diagnosis, as diagnosis brings with it the security of definition, and for the partner, a sense that 'it isn't my fault'. Personally, it is enough to know that if you, at a very basic level (i.e yourself in an environment away from the person) feel anchored and secure, but feel great strain at either the anticipation of, or direct experience of the person with BPD, that is enough to be greatly concerned. And that it is not you (whatever the BPD says!).
All the problems with this disorder involves managing the heightened defence structures of the other. With BPD, denial and projection are particularly strongly developed. Sadly, a strongly constructed denial defence means that the individual has enormous difficulty accepting their behaviour and attitudes, which is why few BPDs will face up to therapy. The pain is simply to great to conceive; an unknown pandora's box of agony. The terrible internal conflicts are projected onto individuals who are in an attachment relationship with the BPD. This 'attachment' element is important, because it explains why people with BPD can behave normally in work or social situations. The BPD needs the attachment, or has to face the pain alone. Hence the fear of rejection, the need for attention, and the harming self-relationship (cutting, drugs etc.). The point here is that the non-bpd is part of the dynamic, and despite the BPD's efforts to reduce the esteem of the other (projection) needs to be aware of their powerful position in the relationship.
Questions for the non-bpd then are what is it about the non-bpd to be firstly, drawn into the relationship (the attraction) and secondly, stay in the relationship (the 'gain'). These are exremely good self-development issues for self-reflection and/or therapy, because they help persnal decision making and assist in the development of the non-bpd's coping strategies. It is also important,I believe to be aware of the cyclical nature of the mood states of the BPD, and an awareness of one's own denial that, in good times there is a sense that the bad may not happen again. And, of course it will, and do you wish to life your life in an emotional rollercoaster driven by another. An excellent aid to this is to write down your feelings and aspirations. What does your heart and imagination tell you? If these are different to how you are living then an authentic choice is necessary, and of course it takes enormous courage to leave; to rediscover yourself. If however, there is an attraction to the drama, and let's please be aware that to be in states of drama is a lifestyle of it's own (even healthy relationships have light doses of conflict), then the non-bpd needs to learn how to manage personal boundaries, and develop coping and management strategies (such as staying at a friend's house, until things have cooled off, practice emotional distancing etc.).
In my relationship, I have aimed for management within the relationship. Generally, it works well except when times are bad it is simply exhausting, and the exhaustion creeps into the other aspects of my life.It is an extremly high personal price to pay, and a lonely existence at times.
But I now have to say that I feel time slipping away and with it opportunities for a real relationship founded on 'togetherness' and real intimacy, and it is this that is now leading me to some very serious decisions.
I have to count the cost of this realtionship. The ebbing away of money, my loss of feelings of sexual desire, loss of friends, her attempts to distance my family from me, and then I think to myself. I don't have to have this crap, and I can be happy and be happy with someone else. And that is the best I can be in my life.
It is for the BPD to self-accept, listen to the non-bpd, learn their patterns and overcome denial though therapy, because every attempt by someone in a relationship with them who is more secure than them and who placates, takes the insults etc., is reinforcement that they may continue as they are. And then nobody is happy.
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals bbollb
14 y
70,588
This is a reply to # 1,590,176Advertisement
Hulda Clark Cleanses
Wormwood, Clove, Clarkia, Turmeric, Epsom Salt, Uva Ursi, Goldenrod
I've been friends with a BPD for 22 years. When we were in Jr. and High School, I always thought she was faking, being dramatic, selfish and childish just to get attention - much like how a toddler would act. It wasn't until much later that I realized how sick she really is.
After years of chaotic behavior, suicide attempts and mis-diagnoses ... such as manic depressive disorder and bi-polar, her parents sent her away to McLean for intense therapy which they referred to as "camp". She went against hospital rules by engaging in a sexua| relationship with another patient and was moved to out patient. It was there that she was diagnosed with BPD and even though she was distracted with her relationship, she seemed better when she came home.
My situation is very different from most others because we weren't intimate. Although she would provoke me to screaming matches where I would yell at her "I'm not your boyfriend, stop putting such high levels of expectation on me". It wasn't until a few months ago that she told me in a fit and rage that the only reason she does nice things for me is because she wants me to like her the best and basically declare that we are best friends. Literally, I'm 33 years old and can't tell you how many times she has called me crying in the last two years.."why do you spend so much time with so and so and not me", "Am I just no fun to be around", "Why won't you come over to my house more". She suffocated me to the point that hearing her name makes me want to vomit.
I've done a lot of research on BPD. What I don't understand is when an intelligent, creative, passionate person knows that they have this disorder and they chose to not seek psychotherapy or learn imperative life skills to be a productive part of society. In this case, I think it makes her feel special..she doesn't ever have to have accountability for her horrific behavior because she's sick. Basically, she been handed a diagnosis that allows her to be a total jerk. And the people in her life are just supposed to accept it.
Well, I chose not to. I think that I've been a big part of the problem..I should have ended the friendship years ago..like after the time she burst into my house on Christmas screaming and crying..because I wanted to eat at Red Robin and she didn't, or the time I left Europe early while visiting when she was studying abroad. She followed me on the train and thru the airport screaming and crying. She's mastered how to provoke me and loves it when I apologize for mean things said. I suppose it validates her theory at the time that I'm evil, and will use my bad behavior as emotional blackmail until the moment quickly passes and she then decides that I'm amazing..the greatest person on the planet. I've finally realized that the friendship is so toxic and beyond repair. She won't leave me alone. She abuses the phone and email. I've resorted to stone walling, and now she's aggressively pursuing my inner circle of closest friends.
I am a firm believer that we have the power to make our lives better. I refuse to accept that she has crippling fear of abandonment and that her pain inside is worse than she could have ever made me feel. Where's the accountability? She sees other people have successful relationships. People either want to get better or they don't. Ya, getting well can be scary. Especially when one has had a license to be an a**hole for their entire life.
She was recently re-diagnosed Bi-Polar which isn't surprising considering how similar the two are, but She's spot on - to the tee BPD and I can't get her to leave me alone. I've called the police and they said it's not grounds for a restraining order because she hasn't tried to hurt me or put it in writing that she would like to.
The hardest thing for me lately has been trying to keep my cool. She makes my blood boil. I'm freaking out because I hear her name nearly everyday as someone tells me she's calling,visitng or making plans. Like a classic BPD, she only shows her true colors to certain people..so I end up looking like the crazy person because I'm so angry that she won't just simply go away.
She sees a psychiatrist who changes her meds regularly and doesn't make her see a psychotherapist. I think that's wrong. A good doctor would know that prescribing anti-psychotics and 60 Klonopin with 3 refills isn't going to make her better.
My point is this..I have to refrain from ALL contact and I don't know what she's capable of besides thoroughly annoying me. She has a sick obsession and it feels like Single White Female or Fatal Attraction. Quite the master of pushing and provoking in the grossest most manipulative way. I don't feel sorry for her anymore. I believe that she's intelligent enough to chose this life for herself. She is simply the most selfish person I have ever known.- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals mdtnkaty
10 y
33,546
This is a reply to # 1,707,100If she calls, use the iPhone ringtone from iTunes called :Get Some Therapy" by Kimmy T.
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals freefromBFFw/BPD
10 y
30,065
This is a reply to # 1,707,100I was trying to write a reply here and it deleted it-Bummer!!! I'll try to replicate it.
I just wanted you to know I completely understand where you are coming from. I had a very similar situation with a friend with BPD, although we were only friends for about 5 years. Everything you said spoke volumes to me.
I really want to be empathetic about this disorder, especially since I'm a therapist, and I think I am. But I think this can interfere with my right to state how much I was hurt and negatively impacted by our friendship I really did go along with it for a long time. I really tried to keep up with her. It just didn't work. You're right-they're the most selfish people of all time. I do understand the reasons for this, that just doesn't have to mean that I want to interact with it.
This person was loyal to me to an extent. But as soon as I breathed the wrong way or made the wrong choice or maybe prioritized myself or my husband instead of her, I came crashing down off of my pedestal. I don't think there's any chance in hell that she has ever sat down and thought "what kinds of things did I do that caused my friend to stop communicating with me?" I'm sure she has blamed me from here to high heaven for the fact that we don't communicate anymore. I'm sorry, but she didn't have any place in my life any more. Yes, it all culminated in one really bad night that escalated and became completely dramatic, but that wasn't even the issue. I could've gotten past that, sadly, I probably would've taken that lying down. But the combination of every one of her other horrible behaviors, like banging on the hotel room door on my wedding night and insisting she be let in, or screaming at me for hours because I was sick and didn't want to travel two hours to go somewhere with her, and accusing me of lying about it, had all stacked up. Never once did I ever get an apology for her behavior-that would've been too much.
I applaud you for what you're doing. I haven't had contact with her since January and I have to say it's the most freeing feeling. Good for you and I wish you the best.
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals mdtnkaty
10 y
33,546
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals bbollb
14 y
70,588
- Re: Survival for non-BPD individuals Angelwings1964
18 y
77,453
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