- More8 y
I was supposed to write more this week.....supposed to make a not of my moods and stuff....I would say that they have been a bit more steady since last monday....
I still eat poorly....today I ate ice cream for lunch....i’m tired of eating like shit...look what it does to me....
I have made a decision to do a short Master Cleanse to break the addictive eating cycle....clean things out a bit, and regain the feel good about myself feelings....I had them when cleansing before....My plan is to cleanse until a couple days before Thanksgiving.....the question is, can I stick to my committm ... read more
- Today8 y
Mood Levels: 1=Pits of dispair 5=Eh 10=Euphoria
Woke up 5AM - 6
At work 6AM - 6
Working 8AM - 4
Working 10AM - 7
Working 12PM - 7
Working 2PM - 5
Off work 4PM - 5
Errands 6PM - 7
6 AM - 1 Superfood
9:30 AM - 1 Superfood
2 PM - 1 Asian Chicken Salad
3 PM - 2 fist size assortment of chocolate brownie stuff
6:30 PM - 6 crunchy Taco Bell tacos
Whatever, I dont feel like writing. I made an enlargement of me today. It came out pretty blurry but whatever, I’ll frame it anyway. I getting ready to meet with a sponsee to go over his 8th step list.....
What else? ... read more
- Just a log
- Starting to get hungry8 y
Yep, I’m starting to get hungry and that ever impending questions is festering in my mind....”what should I eat?” The though of ice cream has been floating in my mind for a while, but I really am not compelled to eat that....
Looks like it’s going to be fresh veggie juice tonight....we’ll see how long that lasts...
And I’ve been trying to get my picture printed today but the machine has been broken at two of the places I’ve gone to. Is god trying to tell me something here?
visit the page
- What should I eat?
- Music8 y
It’s amazing what a meeting and a little bit of good music will do! I feel great! I led the meeting on ”Let go and let god” which is the topic out of the daily reflections book. And I said a lot of things that I really should be practicing when it comes to this food addiction. It was a good meeting for me and I heard what I needed to hear. Then I went to Wal-mart and on the way out, the Toys-for tots girl said ”hi, how are you doing today” in this super cheesy cheery voice....I blew past her and said hi, but I wanted to say ”shitty” because thats how I felt coming out of the store for ... read more
- Music is good
- Sick day!8 y
You know, it just dawned on me that my poor eating habits are generally confined to the night time, and the weekends, usually when I have a lot of free time....so it seems that I need to avoid free time......bah....that doesn’t solve any of the underlying stuff. Anyway, I have taken a sick day mainly because I didn’t feel like going to work today, but also to burn up my sick leave before I move. Can I do that? Well, I am....so I am going to a meeting and then packing and shipping some stuff I sold on e-bay. I also plan on printing a picture of young me that I enlarged with Photoshop.. ... read more
- Free day!
- Feed that kid, would ya?8 y
Wow! So lets re-evaluate what just happened here.....
The kid in me was crying out for something.....but what was it? All I remember was feeling crappy.....feeling overwhelmed about the fish tank, overwhelmed about how I’ve been screwing up this past week.....so what was the kid saying? It’s not very clear....all I did was shut the him up by stuffing gobs of extremely rich ice cream doen his throat until he was sick to his stomach.....and did it work? Is he shut up? Not really.....cause now I feel like shit....
I’ve been aware of the child inside me quite a bit this week.....I d ... read more
- The kid shuts up when you feed him....
- I really don't want to write tonight.....8 y
I haven’t written all week......whY? I don’t want too look at myself.....why? Because I don’t like who I am.....why? Because I am not doing very well.....or doing things that are good for me....
Or do I just think that and it’s not real? I don’t know.....
I just finished cleaning my fish tank that I have not cleaned for two months....I usulally clean it every week. So what does this say? I’m lazy? Yes, or maybe more accurately, I’m depressed. Yep, thats obvious.....I just wanted to get rid of my fish tank right then and there while I was cleaning it. I dont want to deal with ... read more
- analysis please....
- They are coming back....8 y
.... read more
- Onamonapia...did I spell that right?
- I look older that I am.....8 y
Someone told me today that I look like I am 34, and I’m only 27...that’s 7 years!
Am I suprised? Not really, I treat my body like crap! I know I would look younger if I just took care of myself.
Went bowling tonight, had two orders of mozzerella sticks....they were good, but not that good, but they did the trick cause I was craving them.....should have got a milkshake but was distracted after bowling 5 strikes in a row, yes....5!
Now about that Butterfinger upstairs...... visit the page
- Plain Text Editor
- More words....8 y
I sit at the computer wondering what will come out.....I’ve done it again, and again, and again.......is it bad enough yet? Apparently not.
I ended up going out for a calzone last night, by myself as usual, then went to Coldstone Creamery.....I thought that a meeting was in order so I went to the meeting. After that I was on my way home and thought that a sundae from McDonalds would be good, but I resisted. Instead I went to Safeway to get Ben and Jerrys. While I was there, I got some fruit and vegetables for the juicer.....yea I know!
The Ben and Jerrys was ok, coldstone is bett ... read more
- Here they come!8 y
Hunger....or is it boredom? Or lonliness?
Some ice cream would be good right about now!
I just had some carrot, apple, parsley juice.....not very satisfying. Of course, it isn’t hunger I am really tring to satisfy, is it? Let’s look at me....nope, don’t feel like it.....but I am sitting here in my spot, just came inside from working on the car....so I’m in a transition. I am contemplating taking pictures of things to put on e-bay, but I’m not jumping to do that.....all my e-mail is checked, got all the newest music, e-bay auctions are steadily increasing....no plans for tonight e ... read more
- More words
- I'm getting overwhelmed!8 y
I am moving in two months and I have SO MUCH stuff to get rid of. This pack-rat thing is not helping me right now. I’ve got lots of stuff on e-bay but thats only the tip of the iceberg. I really need to make a calander of things to do for the next 2 months so I dont keep freaking out over these things.
Still eating like crap, about to eat a Butterfinger, but it would be better with ice cream.....
My dad is going in for surgery to have a large cyst removed from his sinus. He’s really afraid that this it. He feels his mortality being tested. The surgery is compilcated and require ... read more
- Thoughts on screen
- Ugggg.......one of thoes days!8 y
Yep, I had one of thoes days.....I haven’t had on in a really long time...
Just an overall crappy day....or have I convinced myself that it went that way? Lets see....cold and rainy, expected worker didn’t show up, difficult tasks at work, ate too much at lunch, breath stunk from lunch, got super tired after lunch, left work an hour early, kept fallinf asleep on the way home, decided to go to a meeting but didn’t follow through, wanted to sleep instead.....didn’t sleep, or not yet at least.....
It’s been almost a weeks since yoga, I ate ice cream last night after late night dinner, ... read more
- more writing
- I disgust myself8 y
Yea, I know thats kind of harsh.....but you know what ’they’ say, ”You are your harshest critict!”
So I’m writing this post overeating session.....
And I am having the same feelings I had last night at this time. ’Why do I eat like this?’ Now that I have taken care of eating my emotions, do I feel better? No, I feel disgusted with myself! Why did I eat all that chili and cornbread until I was stuffed. And why did I talk myself into eating Coldstone AGAIN! I almost talked myself out of it too....but I didn’t make it. So here I am in disgust with myself, thinking of the juice th ... read more
- Eat it!
- And so it goes....8 y
As a continuation of my last entry....
I continued to obsess about going to Dairy Queen.....so I grabbed an apple....went upstairs....and was approached by a friend who had just finished eating a collosal burger and some ice cream....I blew him off quick, told him how hungry I was. I don’t think I was that hungry.
The opportunity came for me to sneak away. I got in my car and drove an hour and fifteen minutes home to get my wallet. On the way there I felt anticipation. It was a nice car ride, I tend to like driving regardless of my motives. Once I had my wallet I headed back to ... read more
- Compulsive Overeater
- Grrrr8 y
Here I am on a spiritual retreat and I dont feel good. Last night I binged on dessert and felt so guilty that I purged as much as I could take. Now today I cant stop thinking about a freaking Dairy Queen Blizzard. And to make matters worse, I left my wallet at home and have considered driving there to get it just so I can get a Blizzard. If I try to borrow some money from somone then they might find out what I am planning on doing. I’m such a freakin addict! I didn;t feel like going to the AA meeting cause I didn’t want to hear about everyones retreat. Something is wrong with me an ... read more
- Messed up me....
- Go #$&^ yourself!8 y
I just don’t feel good today.....which is usually mental and not physical. I cant seem to shake the circumstances of today out of my head.....I guess I feel that I have been wronged.
I was supposed to take my grandpa to the airport this morning. It would have required that I get up at 4:45 AM. Of course I did not really want to get up that early but my dad and I agreed that I would do it. So I let my grandpa know that he should wake me up when he needed the ride. So I wake up at 6:45 wondering what happened. I went to his room, he was gone, not at the house. I checked my dads roo ... read more
- How 'bout a nice hot cup of STFU!
- Abuse8 y
Ugh, I feel like crap.
Last night I ate soo much bad food, what was I thinking? Here’s how it went down:
I had an early dinner with my dad and grandad. I ate two fish tacos that were rather healthy. Then we went for ice cream....bad misteak. Instead of getting the sherbet (which had to have been better on the health scale) I had the vanilla ice cream with chocolate covered peanut butter truffels and swirls of fudge mixed in......in a large waffel cone...
I must say, it tasted terrific. The problem is that is was made out of crap! I knew that it wasn’t good for me, but I ate ... read more
- How I like to eat
- Saturday8 y
It’s saturday night....I’m in front of my computer.....feeling lonely....what happened?
I should have know that my ex-girlfriend was going to flake out on dinner tonight. I’m the %¤#&!§-that drove 45 minutes to meet her while waiting for her to call. Rather then lettign dinner go to waste, I ate by myself. I would have been fine if I had stopped when all the food was gone, but I just hat to order more. And of course that ruined the satisfaction I felt from the first portion.
I thought about stopping by Coldstone Creamery on the way home but managed to stay away from there. I rea ... read more
- poor me
- 1st real bit of food....8 y
I’ve weened myself back from the Master Cleanse by having OJ and vegetable soup. The vegetable soup was very good, lots of veggies, and cayenne! Oh yeah, and brown rice too! SO tonight I had my first salad:
Of course it was very flavorful, but I didn’t really like it. Perhaps that is because I am not used to eating healthy....but that doesn’t meen that it can’t taste good. I guess I am on a quest to find great tasting healthy foods. I did go ahead and make some pesto for whatever. I used it to dip some raw veggies into and it ... read more
- So-so salad
- I feel great!8 y
Every time I have a session with my therapist, I print out my blog entries and read them during the session...
Tonight was very interesting! After reading everthing from the past 2 weeks, he basically told me that he was proud of me for doing great stuff for myself. I broke out in tears. They were painfully happy tears....meaning that it felt great to be aknowledged for doing well, but at the same time I felt undeserving.
He pointed out that it is my deep rooted shame that sets up the illusion of not deserving to feel great about my accomplishments. It was quote a revelation for ... read more
- Tired8 y
Phew, I am exhausted! Day 21 of the cleanse! Last day!
I’ve been doing Bikram Yoga for the past 9 days and it’s really awesome. I paid for a 3 month membership for unlimited classes. I hope to keep at it until I leave for Florida.
I went on a blind date today and it was good practice for me. I was totally calm, relaxed and cool. Unfortunately I am not attracted to her, but like I said, it was good practice. I am not really sure how to keep things with this girl. I mean, do I jsut not call her, I don’t want to seem like a jerk. Do I persue the friends approach? I’m really no ... read more
- In my mind
- Neglect8 y
It has just dawned on my that I have been neglecting something that needs to be dealt with. I am moving in two months and have quite a bit to take care of before I leave. I have been lugging around tons of stuff for years and the place that I am going cannot accomodate all of it. I have started going through some of it, getting rid of lots of stuff, putting some aside for a yard sale, some to store at my parents house. But I really need to get a plan together to follow for hte next two months. I am a procrastinator and it will bite me in the butt if I dont start now..... visit the page
- need to move!
- My first attempt at journaling8 y
Well here it is, I’m in my spot….lonely. Time to get this stuff onto paper. Of course the music has to be right….I find it nurturing. I know I am an awesome person…these feeling are just feelings….I feel this way because I lack emotional connection with people. I’m sitting here in the moment….no distractions…except for the music…..becoming one with my loneliness. Some other feelings…the world is a crazy place…so many people on so many different tasks……so much negativity….so much hate…….it feels inescapable sometimes…….people are corrupt and those people have kids and raise them in the ... read more
- Old writings from 5/19/2005
- Euphoria8 y
I dont know what it is, most likely the combination of everything that I am doing right now for myself. I should have written this down the other day when it hit me but I just didn’t! Well, the feelings are here again!
So the other day I had just finished yoga and was on my way out the door. Another girl from the class was leaving at the same time.....and this girl was yummy! So i put myself out on the limb and verified that her name was what I had heard her say to someone else. Now this girl has seemed very quite, shy, perhaps difficult to get to....well, I was wrong. As soon as ... read more
- Things are good!
- The first date...8 y
Well, the plans are set! 3 PM Sunday at, where else, Starbucks! The phone call went well, we have been playing phone tag and I finally won, go me! There was something I wanted to say at the end of the phone conversation to put her in suspense, but I couldn’t manage to get the words out.
So now is the time between the phone call and the date, well its not really a date, just a get together to see if she’s someone I want to have a date with. It’s been years since I have been on a date, but whatever. I just need to put the techniques I’ve learned into practice. And if I can keep my m ... read more
- well not really
- One more day8 y
What a day! I started by going to an AA meeting. Then I went to a Bikram Yoga class and sweat myself soaking! I like the yoga. I wonder how long I can stay with it. I plan on going everyday as part of an introductory special. That will be for the rest of this week.
I have been looking at a lot of raw food recipes and there are some really tasty sounding ones! I am excited to try making some. I know that will take a lot of work, but I hope to become very aware of what I am putting in my body. I also have been looking over a bunch of vegetarian indian recipes. For some reason I ... read more
- Sensing a problem8 y
I’m a binge eater on a long fast.
What will it take to get my eating under control? I can already envision myself eating pizza and ice cream and calzones and indian foods to excess.....because it tastes so damn good! Grrr.... What the hell am I going to do after this fast. I have read up on raw foods, vegetarinism, all that good stuff....but am I ready to let pizza, calzones and ice cream go? I know they are bad for me....but I still feel bonded to foods of the like. Do I just need to find suitable replacements? What about moderation? How about getting to the root of all this non ... read more
- It's all between my ears!
- Not feeling so good...8 y
I find it helpful to write when I do not feel so good so here it is...
First of all, I am hungry. My roomate is eating ice cream....I really want to eat ice cream even though it is bad for me. I have been in a funk for a few hours now. I am bored. I took care of most of my chores and am waiting for the laundry to finish. I am lonely. I do not have any real plans for tonight. Now this is no different from any other night, but I feel lonely now. Sometimes I feel like I have no one to go to. But what is it that I want? Is it as basic as companionship? If so, why do I not feel sa ... read more
- Dreams8 y
Hmm...quite a wierd dream last night.
I was this guy who had the drugs that the vampires wanted. If they did not have these drugs then they would go crazy and kill people. Of course, once they got the drug, they would go crazy and kill people anyway. But I was cool with the vampires....one of them was somone I do not recognize, the other, a co-worker. When my friend and I were trying to escape from the vampires, we met up with the ”friendly ones” but they made my friend go away. They told me that they let him go. Later in the dream I found him face down in the flood waters (obviou ... read more
- meat and potatoes
- More food cravings8 y
I really want to eat a calzone. A hawiian calxon from Joe’s Pizzeria.....ohh...it would taste so good! The cheeses, the pineapple, the ham, the dough.....oh it would be so good in my mouth. But not so good for my body......I really need to find new favorite foods. I just want to eat it anyway! I am a freakin taste junkie! Why oh why?!?!?
Well, then lemonade I just drank will tide me over....and of course, I can’t eat a calzone anyway, I’m still on the Master Cleanse.....
Off to the gym!
visit the page
- Calzones taste real good!
- Wow! 10 days!8 y
I have impressed myself...I have made it to day 10 of the Master Cleanse and plan to continue.
I also have learned that I am my harshest critic. I criticize myself and am not very aware of it either. Until it is pointed out to me. Something I should work on....
Sleep..... visit the page
- Cravings8 y
Day 9 of the Master Cleanse....I’m pretty impressed that I have been able to go this long.
I’ve been having some pretty strong cravings for Ledo’s pizza. Mmmmm...it’s so good!
The last few days I have been learning a lot about eating raw foods. I am excited to try some of the various recipes that I have found. I am a taste junkie and really am curious to taste some of these great sounding recipes.
I’m really not sure where I want to go with my eating other then healthier. I always eat in excess things that taste good. I’d just hate to fall back on my old eating habits, but at ... read more
- I want it!
- Just a dream8 y
I had a dream last night. I dreamt that I ate food and meesed up my cleans again. I was dissappointed for sure in the dream. I was upset that I gave in to temptation. Needless to say, I was quite relieved upon waking. This dream may have been a result of the last cleanse that I faild at day 8.
I am used to this type of dream. When I was very early in sobriety, I used to have dreams that I messed up and used drugs or drank. My support group told me that normal people dont have these types of dreams, but we do. They are very vivid! I still have these types of dream on the rare oc ... read more
- Failed again
- Headline8 y
I had an interesting experience today. I was making my lemonade and one of my rromates who knew about it from a previous discussion was asking me question. At the same time another roomate was there listening. I was answering the question without hesitation and going in to great detail with great comfort. For some reason I did not feel threatened by this other guy. Why not? Was it because someone else was there that seemed to approve of what I was doing. Or was it just the other guys personality that prevented me from projecting my thoughts into his head? Or was it because he seeme ... read more
- getting through it
- Thoughts on screen....8 y
Wow, I certainly didn’t expect so many people to view my post...and to thoes who commented, thank you very much.
I ran in to the president of my company today at Wegmans (the grocery store). I was reading about enemas and colonics in a juice fasting book. He came up and asked what I was reading and I showed him the book. He asked if I was fasting and I immeadeately said no. I lied right to his face! Here I am trying to protect something again. As he was continuing off to shop he said, ”don’t fast, it’s not good for you.” And I said, ”just reading!” Whatever! ... read more
- yes, I'm wierd
- Starting8 y
I just need to start writing. Because I have been so into curezone lately, and was suggested to make note of whats going on in my life, so why not here...
I noticed something today while I was making my lemonade. One of my roomates came down stairs and I felt the need to be secretive about my lemonade. He already knew a little bit about it, but when he asked me if I was still on the lemonade, my answer was kind of snotty. I had some difficulty during hte conversation. I really wanted him to go away. I did not want to answer any questions. But he seemed interested and not very jud ... read more
- This is not for people to read, I just need a place to dump my thoughts!
Add Blog To Your Favorites!Just a place for me to write.... more...
Last Activity: 8 y ago
37 Messages Last message 8 y ago
9 Comments Last comment 8 y ago
viewed 61,904 times
Created: 8 y Aug 30 2005
Comments (9 of 9):
Re: Oh..! deocder 8 y
Oh..! 9thbody 8 y
Sometimes it just … 9thbo… 8 y
Wow! dgaskellphoto 8 y
Re: Nice Job! deocder 8 y
Nice Job! 100th monkey 8 y
for crapinzee loren1912 8 y
Thanks, remember s… Kermi… 8 y
Hope you don't min… JeSui… 8 y
All Comments (9)
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