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1st blog
A brief description of my intentions and my current situation
Date: 3/21/2010 4:58:00 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1708 times So, today I woke up and received an e-mail about cancer healing. I got scared. I know it's strange, but I got afraid of all the toxic things I do in my life. Binge eating, to thoughts, to creating stressors. And I vowed to myself that I am going to change the way I live my life. I am going to go running at the beach and outline a book that I have always wanted to write. I feel that I am ready. Ready to transform myself and my life.
Although things may not be perfect, they are pretty good and this can be the starting point of a transformation of myself. I am 5'1.5'' and 115.5 lbs this morning. My goal weight is 106-108 and I know that I can get there really fast. It's only 7.5-9.5lbs. I am going to eat healthfully and eat only when I am truly very hungry for food. I am going to drink lots of water, practice postiive thinking, stress less, and make some big decisions that I've been meaning to make. I am going to stop taking a passive state of being in my life and start taking an active role as the creator of my life. This is something I have been thinking about for a long time, but I intend to take action now.
The thing is that I have been in a relationship for a while that I am not sure if I want to be in anymore and I have not been able to make a decision. I was in the shower today thinking about how I was going to end the relationship when he came in and said "We are so lucky to have each other." And I felt like crying because I know in my heart that it's not right anymore. Even just saying that makes me sad. I feel like if he were to actually mature and start taking responsibility for his life I might actually be attracted to him again. If something goes wrong or he loses something or makes a mistake, he tries to blame me. It's utterly ridiculous and I get tired of playing his mommy. I also don't feel that attracted sexually to him anymore. But, it's hard because I care for him and love him tremendously. I don't know what to do about this. I feel stagnant energy in the relationship and I have been eating to soothe myself. That's why I went from weighing 110/111 to 114/115 in the past couple of weeks. I know that I can drop the weight really fast without much trouble it's only four pounds, but at the same time, I feel really unresolved in this issue.
Also, I live in a house that is my grandmother's and my parents are going to inherit it when she dies. I also am terrified to live here alone because it is isolated and I have nightmares if I sleep here alone at night. My boyfriend lives with me which is why I am also afraid to make changes. I get free rent but I don't want to live here alone. I am scared and unsure and confused, yet I know I am creating all of this.
I am wanting to make some changes but I need clarity of thoght first and foremost. I need to get in touch with the part of me that knows all of the answers. I know that I can manifest more money and make changes. I know that I can become a writer like I have always wanted to become. I know that I can do whatever I want in life, I just have to get myself out of the stagnant state of mind that I have put myself into. I just have to change my thinking, believe in myself and know that I am worth it.
So, my intention in writing this blog is to make some changes. Everyday I will keep up with what's going on. Today, I am going to run four miles at the beach and eat only lightly and when I'm truly hungry and I'm going to keep this posted until I weigh 106-108lbs.
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