Well, I had a great late night session last night, exercising doing strong yoga and some weights and kettle bell for the first time - I guess it's early days into the exercise, I also did some morning chi guang exercise - 400 I think swings and squats sort of exercise that is very good for digestion and chi and slender shapely legs and glutes with all those squats - it felt great, I've lapsed and had endone for a few days - think today's the 3rd night possibly even 4th and I am going against my own discipline doing that and not happy about it - I'm hurting from isolation and lonliness and the difficulty of my feelings about the guy I mentioned - part of it is just that my routine's totally disrupted because its holidays and instead of being out with friends or him and enoying them I'm very much alone and have only work and my creative discipline to fill my life atm - so I'm missing band practice which is really my favorite thing each week and missing work - I still don't have an office and that's going to take another couple weeks I think before that happens, my energy while fasting is slower than usual when I eat so I've enjoyed that a lot but it can also isolate me because I am feeling more inward and not like running around town heaps expending energy visiting and things driving in traffic - I am not that motivated to do that anyway unless there's a good reason, some festival or gigs or someone I actually want to spend time with - there are many things I do want to engage with, they're not constant though and 50 days in plus I was sick before and now holidays and I've now had a lot of me time and am looking forward to New Years coming and putting the strange interrupted holiday time where there's this pull of Doug contacting me constantly on his break trying to see me and me having to remain silent and knowing there's nothing else for it now - its not easy and in the past I've never managed it - so this time I am and I have and that doesn't make me happy of course but there is something to be proud of in it because I'm exerting restraint and keeping my discipline there and that is strong and right.  

I won't go back to taking this stuff too much - I suppose it's the silly season and everyone gets a little party on so whatever, maybe cut myself some slack - I wish I did have some friends to party with - would be really nice to have a trip with some old crew or something big and deep like that but I'm not going to take psychadelics alone in a big sharehouse and hide in my room feeling weird freaking out - you need a house where everyone is on board and I'm not sure I really want to trip with my housemates - though that could be cool - if the right day ever came - they're good people, just not quite on that page - could be good and bonding though and break some ice between us I suppose - I like where we're all at - its a working mix of respect and space and genuine warmth toward each other without being too close and intimate and messing it up, more like my younger brothers and sisters and a family vibe where why would I want to hang out with them and vice versa all the time, those guys hang out together a bit, I'm around and have nice times and little chats with them - I don't really want to be closer, its good the closeness we have - I don't really have any close friends outside Chris around now - they're all in different countries or states and I don't ring them much - I could but I would just rather visit with people then ring - I don't know what it is with me, I've really gone inward and I guess I long for one close companion - and that kind of best friend and love - I'd still rather be in Doug's company than anyone else's - but even that - I don't feel the way I did, it's changed, it's tarnished now I've realised he was never going to come good and seen where he was taking it, just keeping me in limbo and draining out my life's energy to no avail, meaningless activity, no real path - and so I don't think I could enjoy any time with that now - it would just make me furious probably - its eating at me, its been eating at me a long time, weird energy, I wish I didn't have it in my field of consciousness but its there - getting less though and after New Years he'll go back to work and be exhausted and stop with all these messages and that window will pass and things there will quiet down without this heavy energetic psychic tugging and our mindstreams reaching out to one another.  f**k's sake, you think the moron would wake up to the fact that he loves me and sort it out but he won't - he's just a casualty and he'll walk that disgusting path os never having risen to love and spending his life unhappy - I'll go on and get away from that and I'll find love again who knows where who knows when - 3rd time is a charm. 

I need to look at all this and I need to fall in love with myself I guess - in this spacious time where I am here, at the top of my own climb, successful and strong and more alone than I've ever been but more ok with that then I've ever been and more picky and aware of my strength, character and values than I've ever been. 

I've been thinking about it - the culture around me and the things I hear from mainly the men I know - and the couple new ones I have become friends with who are the most successful of all of them who have and love their wives and speak that word with strength and admiration and pride and love - something so rare for me to hear in my circles.  There are men like that and it's so good for me to be around them and their values - I'm so used to the opposite - all the guys that are prospective lovers for me, the lot of them are nihilistic, hedonistic materialists or Doug, the neurotic narcissist avoidant attachment style incel - there's been a whole handful of those, ugh - horrible for me to be around that kind of parasite - these men are not good company for me and have hurt me heaps.  

All I can really do is buckle down and love me and look ahead to my music and getting out of this sharehouse life and getting to launch my stuff and change levels of society - in the meantime, I could take some company in the hedonistic guys around who are my few potential companions and perhaps its better and healthier to have a few boyfriends like that and some company and activity then to turn my nose up at it all - but yeah, I like all those guys as friends, maybe I should just be that - be friends with them - do I really want to date them?  There's no path there either and I want a path.  I want to put all of myself into things - Why is it so hard to find people with values and interests like mine?  

I met a lovely lady the other day - Annabella, my friend Ti's mom she's in her late 60's or maybe 70's and I had a more real blossoming friendship with her than anyone I had met in ages, she was genuine, into dharma, yoga, painting, dance - deep, wise, had things and insights worth hearing - I really value and appreciate her, she's going to come stay here for a couple weeks then move to Chris's house - I think I may have a new friend in her and she in me - its funny , people look at me strange like why am I hanging out with that old lady - they're so ageist - and I roll my eyes and think - because this old lady is way more interesting alive wise awesome and beautiful than any of you guys and you can't even see it - I think I'll go and start to do some nice day trips and hang outs with my friend Mia, now that her daughter is 4 and she's out of the baby phase it is a great time for us to get closer and go do things together - I love children when they get to that age where you can talk to them and I love Mia of course, always have - so there I guess, I've just found 2 new girlfriends and maybe the guys can be friends, I do like them as friends - they're just not  on my level as far as romance goes, not remotely really - I really don't like being like a nun but man I'm just so over shallow things - they don't fulfill me, I feel disappointed engaging in them and I don't think that energy is good for me to share that kind of energy with men who in some sense I think are not really in touch with their full humanity - hedonism and superficiality, desire over love and sexual encounters relegated to casual and convenient so as to be safe - I find that all more and more sad and it repels me 

After falling in love so deeply this last time, the contrast between something I do value and how I relate to that and this kind of empty meaningless activity of another sort is too obvious for me to ignore.  I am better going deeply into who I really am and what really matters and moves me - it just isolates me more and more but even now saying this, I feel more ok with that - I'm too deep an ocean for these shallow waters.  I've changed, I've become more refined in who I really am and it is like a rare jewel to come across someone who can see me, who does love me and finds in me that window to heaven and wants to go in union into that blissful life together.  

My nice and sweet and cute friend and housemate wants to start doing massage and cupping and learning stuff off me - so that and some float therapy might help the body brain thing so there's some touch in my life it doesn't have to be sexual - I'd prefer it isn't at this point - massage is great - I don't even really want to cuddle many people, Adam's nice to cuddle but I don't want what he wants - I might find someone who can do some therapeutic stuff with that's non sexual.  

Anyway, rambling on - I am working thru stuff here journaling - my fast is going great but I do notice that as I go through new weight loss levels, before another sort of layer comes off I go through feeling frustrated and not liking how I'm going, seeing weight I still need to lose - I have to remind myself its a good thing becaue every time this comes up its what I feel right before I lose another layer and get to a better place - 50 days really is quite a while to have fasted and it is and has been frustrating to have to fast so much longer to get to the same place I would have got to last year in the first month - it makes me wonder if my age is part of what is effecting me now or if its just that I stacked more weight on then I had realised - I really don't know - I am getting older and I am no longer having periods so my hormones will have changed and I realise that starts to change a woman's appearance also and maybe other things like feelings and drives and metabolic things I don't know - I am getting better now with the increased strength and exercise and I really need to get more into that and idk would be great if I could just do 30 day of yoga, I don't know if I'll manage doing it every day to be honest - I think I could though, its more making that a habit I need to do - even if I didn't do that, I should be able to do 30 days of exercise daily, my biggest obstacle is getting down or days when I feel flat like I did for a large chunk of today but it went - I mean it's 12:30 now and I could almost go do a session but I'm not going to because people are sleeping and I won't sleep if I ramp up now - I should be able to do some exercise everyday though even 2x a day really - even if its just some chi guang in the mornings and some weights or a walk and yoga a few times a week - I should do that now and try and make a January commitment to another month of fasting and doing that with the exercise - that will get me where I want to be and it will also feel great and get me strong - I'm feeling pretty strong now after just 5 or so good sessions back of yoga of whatever I've done now.  

This journal is helping me - I need to work with my own stuff and writing always does help.  

Well, its late - to dream yoga practice now 

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