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Day 4
you are the gift you give yourself
Date: 6/4/2007 3:25:12 PM ( 17 y ) ... viewed 3928 times
Today sort of began last night. At midnight,
storms moved through quickly and I have always
been fascinated by thunder and lightning and so
found it difficult to sleep.
I lay in my bed, looking out the window, and
admired the billowed out thunderheads as the
lightning illuminated them. I reflected back
on times I had spent watching *clouds* and how
fortunate I had been in my life to have the
experiences and good memories I have. I felt
blessed.
This morning, another small blessing, my company
put their trip off a day and so a day of quiet
was mine to enjoy. The house was in order, so
my time was really my own. I had played so much
music yesterday, that today I spent time to
enjoy the quiet. I re-opened all the windows
to feel the breeze. All my chores of making my
lemonade, feeding pets, birds, all were behind
me. I spent probably 30-40 minutes on my inversion
table, almost playing. If I closed my eyes, I
could feel like I was in the ocean, swimming.
I stretched and hung upside down and felt that
thrill of being a kid again, hanging upside down
on a monkey bar. I rocked myself gently as if
I were swaying in a hammock. It was comforting.
I was also grateful since, yesterday, I was
going through an emotional detox and so, sitting
in my hot tub of epsom salt and ginger, I cried
through some memories which I try more often
not to think about. I did not even try to think
differently about them, almost like laying my
cards out in front of me. I just cried my little
river of tears and as I pulled the plug on the
tub, I felt like that pain also went down the
drain. I had a friend tell me some good advice
once, well many times, but she said, "you do not
have to know what is on a tape to erase it",
meaning that you do not have to pluck through
every nuance or piece of hurt and pain in your
life which loops through your memory before you
let it go. These events did figure in my life,
but my life I have now is what I make of it and
so, just pushing the erase button, with no fear
of letting go, is really what I want to do. I
want to remember the joys, the laughter, and the
love I have experienced. Those are the kinds of
experiences I also want to draw into my life.
I am still going through my day, processing in
little ways. I fell asleep reading a book and
woke myself from a typical MC dream where I was
with a friend and we were late to lunch at a
buffet at a conference. We were scurrying thru
a parking lot and I was barefoot and so when I
found myself in the midst of a sea of broken
glass, I asked my friend to go back to the car
and fetch my tenna shoes. While I was waiting,
I did not notice a bus backing up and the driver
had backed up so much, the bus had me pinned
against a building. I was pounding on the bus
and people in the bus were screaming and just
briefly, I was running through my body like a
diagnostic check, what is being crushed, okay,
my mind is still here, since I AM trying to
get this bus to stop~! Of course, being a dream,
the bus driver had pulled forward and I felt
all the relief of being released from the crush
of a bus...ggg. My friend returned, shoes in
hand and I said, hurry, we need to make this
buffet. We ran down some stairs, the cloud
wallpaper on the walls not escaping my notice.
We did not miss the buffet did we, I queried?
Yes, you did, there is only 20 minutes left
to eat. I turned and felt sad that I was missing
a meal. Of course, I had not realized YET that
it was just a dream. What totally woke me up
was turning and noticing out a window that a
baboon was out in the yard next to the building
and he had begun to harass a dog. Behind him
I could see more baboons coming. "Run, baboons
are outside", I said. No way, people said, there
can be baboons outside. I woke up, rather dazed
and laughing, GLAD not to have eaten, and of
course, very happy baboons were not in my life.
Most likely this dream goes back to a traumatic
event I experienced during an attack by a chimp.
I cannot post a link to it, since the Curezone
Knowledge base is set up like a list, so I will
include that post here so you can perhaps imagine
why I would be revisiting that trauma. I really
try not to think of it, and usually, only rarely
do. It is something I need to work at healing.
Perhaps this cleanse, that terrifying episode
in my life will also go down the drain...
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wrote this post in response to the question,
"Has anyone ever truly talked to God or seen hard evidence of Him/Her?"
"I called on God"
I met an old woman, when I was a young woman, and she emphatically spoke to me of her conversations with God. I listened, incredulously, but most of all impressed with her spiritual certainty. It left an impression on me....
The act of faith is suspending disbelief. In deciding to believe in something, anything, you develop faith....
I would like to share one example where I called on God and my faith in God was rewarded....
Longer story short, one evening I was in a cage with another woman and a chimpanzee, named Sally. The cage was roughly 10 X 12 X 20. It immediately adjoined another, where another chimp was housed, a male. We had been in the cage perhaps an hour, maybe a little more, but it was time to leave and Sally was not interested in us leaving. The problem began when the other woman who was a visitor and not used to handling the chimps began saying NO to Sally. There was protesting on the part of Sally and even the male began to vocalize too, hooting. Then someone came into the room and was going to unlock the cage so we could get out and Sally began poking the woman desperate to initiate play. The woman pushed Sally's hands away and that triggered an attack. I had always known that there was that potential in chimps since they play very rough and the majority of accidents/attacks seem to happen in familiar settings when there is rough play going on. Well, Sally grabbed the woman's hands and began to attack her. The male began screaming as the blood went flying. The attack was probably only a few minutes, but everything began to go in slow motion as it seemed every noise, every action became a layer in this event, the woman screaming, me screaming, people outside the cage screaming, the male screaming, my own thoughts racing like a jigsaw puzzle, trying to put the pieces together in nanoseconds and knowing in the back of my mind that both the woman and I could easily be killed. For whatever reason, God only knows...ggg, the people *outside* the cage behaved as poorly as one could in the situation and that feeling of abandonment was the most poignant since it became evident that the calvary would not be showing up...
I remember standing up, although the memory is also in slow motion, as if I were doing some yoga stance or tai chi-ing into a tower of desperation. I stood up, put my arms out, looking down on the situation of chaos, blood and terror. I called, aloud, on God. "God help me", I said. In a heartbeat, a column of gold light, almost like a pillar of gold light, with gold confetti in it, hit Sally in her chest. The pillar of light was round, approximately 16 inches wide. Sally's head flayed back and I saw her eyes roll up into the top of her head. Her mouth hung open as she became speechless as if the wind were knocked out of her. My own inner guidance, (angels?), urged me, now!! and as the light switched off, I took that instant to body slam the chimp. I had fear that she would tear me up but I pleaded in my mind, "God dont let this chimp kill me". I lay on her, cheek to cheek, both of us heaving with adrenaline. Amazingly, she lay limp as a kitten, and did not resist. I called on someone to unlock the cage and they got the other woman out. They locked the cage door behind and I was almost afraid to move since I did not know what would happen. I asked God to allow me to get up and then spoke up, "open the cage, I am coming out". As I lifted my body from Sally's, she lay motionless as if paralyzed. I stepped away and out.
I would not have even mentioned the gold light but as soon as I got out of the cage, the other woman wanted to know, what had happened, "what was that gold light". I told her the truth, "I called on God for help"...
Like my experience when I was young, listening to my elderly friend encourage me to cultivate spiritual certainty, I do not expect you to believe what I have shared, but I will profess it as truth. In so many ways, that lesson of listening to someone and feeling the strength of her faith planted seeds in me of my own faith. Over the years I have witnessed many miracles and each time, I become even more certain of the presence of God in our lives. What, who, where, and when God is, I do not know. It is a matter of faith for me and I have chosen to believe even with the lack of evidence, and that my friend, has made all the difference.
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I hope for all those cleansing that they too are
able to get in touch with their greatest fears and
hopes and that you experience healing on all levels.
Many blessings,
Zoe
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