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3 years ago today - this is what I said.
flashback to what it was like
Date: 2/27/2013 5:56:56 PM ( 13 y ) ... viewed 10298 times
do i want the piano
Date: 2/27/2010 7:18:31 PM ( 3 y ) ... viewed 644 times
Day 13 of positive affirmations. Can't hurt.
This morning I was truly out of my own body. I cannot afford to let myself plow through. I am middle-aged, I'm not 23 anymore. I am working on my 7th day straight at work and the emotions are running. They have a life of their own if I let them.
Ex #2 emails me today. Wants to know if I want the piano. No, what I'd really like is to have an adult conversation about how the kids have been these past two years, how my elderly ex-mother-in-law is doing, how the Siamese cat I loved is doing, if I can have something that actually I can use - like the cooling racks for baked good that somehow didn't make it off the property in spite of my packing them. I want to know how two people who loved each other and devoted their very existence to one another can be in the same room and not have eye contact. Do I want the piano? Do I want the piano?
What I want is healing. What I want is G*d's grace, for G*d's Power to show us out of this dungeon and for us to be mature adults again. That's what I f***ing want. I want to sit across from the mature, decisive man who told me that he was a responsible adult and that I could depend on him. THAT'S WHAT I WANT. Do I want the piano-
I've been back for 8 months. I've not driven by my old house ONCE. Not once. I cannot risk where my heart, my thoughts, my wants, my memories will take me if I do drive by there. I cannot.
Do I want the piano.
Dear G*d, please inject this man with a heart, a brain, some logic, some wisdom, some f***ing compassion. I am just beginning to voluntarily participate in my own life in a positive way for the first time in 4 years. I actually FEEL like I want to live and be of service again. Does the poor man really, truly believe that I blew up our lives because I was sane? Because I wanted to continue to live? Because I was in my right mind?
No, I don't want the piano. I wish to G*d this man really, truly knew in his heart what I wanted as a woman who once loved her son with all her soul. A woman who once gave up her entire existence professionally and personally to build a new life with him as his wife while he kept his home, his job, his name - all of it. I wish to G*d this man knew that coming back here was all I knew how to do. I came HOME. I have not dated. I have not accepted any offers. I came HOME.
No, I don't want the piano. I want the man he promised me he was. The man who swore he knew my heart. I want the man who told me he wouldn't take me for granted. I want the man who told me he wouldn't let me die.
No, I don't want the piano.
G*d and I will just keep walking. G*d will tell me when I've reached the safe shore. This is not it.
I am not responding to the email. As far as I am concerned, I never got it. My heart refuses to accept this, to respond to it, to even acknowledge it. I cannot accept this on any level. I just cannot.
No, thank you. I do not want the piano.
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