Blog: Journey of Light
by thomas

Where has the time gone?

Sharing Some of My Random Thoughts Here After a Four Month Hiatus

Date:   8/19/2006 12:31:41 AM   ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1927 times

I realized the other day that it has been quite a while since I have written anything in this blog. I checked earlier tonight and it has actually been four months. Four months since my last message. Wow. I wonder how all that time went by so fast. Noticing the passage of time, I began to think of why I haven’t taken the opportunity to write. Surely, I could have fit it in to my schedule at some point. Could four months have really gone by without even an hour to write a message or make note of some new meditation or lavish unending compliments on the next great book? Well, I guess the truth is that within those four months I lost a great deal of the passion for spirit that I carried with me before. If I had been passionate, I know that nothing would have stopped me from sitting down at the old computer and expressing myself.

Hmm. I also find it interesting that the last message I wrote was all about our oneness with God. I read that message now and it seems like I was so connected in that moment. I was so sure of my beliefs and how I felt. How could someone so sure of things begin to wane? Well, I guess the truth is, it isn’t that hard. Everyone has their valleys and peaks. It is all a part of life’s way of finding balance. You know that whole ying/yang thing.

I know there are certain specific triggers that led up to my feeling more disconnected, but I guess it really comes down to fear. The fear of truly looking at oneself and uncovering all that stuff we try to hide away. This is one of those instances when out of sight out of mind can really work against you. As most of us know, within the body/mind/spirit matrix nothing can be out of sight or out of mind if you are not willing to shine the light of truth on it. So there were certain truths that I was still coming to terms with and I guess I was resisting not just a little bit, but a lot. I was becoming angry that I was not able to create the things I wanted in life. The joy, love, health and abundance that I envisioned for myself could not be found.

What made it worse was that there were times when it seemed I was so close, but it was to no avail. Instead of going within and trying to figure out what was blocking my ability to manifest these things, I grew more and more distant from God. While I was still meditating, I was only meditating in silence. I was not keeping up with the dialog I had created with God, my angels and spirit guides. The wonderful messages I had received felt more and more unfamiliar. I questioned my gifts, questioned myself and God. I was in a way isolating myself. It’s hard to decide if I was really mad at God or at myself. I fundamentally and wholeheartedly believe that God is able and willing to provide us with everything we need. It is only a matter of whether we BELIEVE we deserve it. With that belief in my subconscious, how could there not bee some kind of resentment towards the self. If God can provide, then there is only one person getting in the way: ME.

However, I admit that while a person, can have an intellectual understanding of these concepts, you have to know it in your heart. Clearly, I was acting more out of my frustration than anything else. Within the last month or so, I finally began to see all too clearly that I was not happy with this disconnect. The only place I had to look for answers or solutions was within. I had to admit to myself and truly feel the truth that I was still residing in a place of not deserving. This of course is not an easy thing to do especially when you already feel like you have been working on so much for so long.

But there is light at the end of the tunnel. There is always hope. My desire to bring love, joy, health and abundance in my life drives the engine of my creations. I mostly try and stay focused on what I chose to create in my life. But at the same time, I am working on placing my focus in my heart and not in my mind. It appears that I can be very good at intellectualizing but not as good at expressing thoughts from the heart or coming from a place of feelings. And above all else, I continue to examine myself, my beliefs and release all that junk that puts me in a frame of mind of lack or undeserving. I do find it interesting that by focusing on my heart and releasing all the old misconceptions and illusions, I am slowly emerging from this spiritual funk. My intuition tells me that this down time will usher in an even grander time of spiritual connection and bliss for which I will be glad. I look forward to once again expressing my passion for God, the universe and myself.

Although four months have passed and I have been through my own little spiritual slump, my belief that each of us and all of us are God has not been lost. I believe this with all my heart. As I love you, I love myself. As we love God, we love all of us. It’s a rather simple idea. The realization that I have come to is that this is a much easier notion to intellectualize than to feel. It’s only when we let go of all that garbage we carry that we allow ourselves to feel the truth of this knowledge. To truly feel what it means to be God and what is God but pure love, pure divine energy. For that is what we are, pure love and pure energy.

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