categorize narcissist 
#75156
17 y
9,692
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Still lurking and have seen no information re narcissist categories though plenty of paraphrasing of psychological textbook terminology. From Sam Vaknin:
Narcissists are either cerebral or somatic. In other words, they either generate their narcissistic supply by applying their bodies or by applying their minds.
The somatic narcissist flaunts his sexual conquests, parades his possessions, exhibits his muscles, brags about his physical aesthetics or sexual prowess or exploits, is often a health freak and a hypochondriac. The cerebral narcissist is a know-it-all, haughty and intelligent "computer". He uses his awesome intellect, or knowledge (real or pretended) to secure adoration, adulation and admiration. To him, his body and its maintenance are a burden and a distraction.
Both types are auto-erotic (psychosexually in love with themselves, with their bodies and with their brain). Both types prefer masturbation to adult, mature, interactive, multi-dimensional and emotion-laden sex.
The cerebral narcissist is often celibate (even when he has a girlfriend or a spouse). He prefers pornography and sexual auto-stimulation to the real thing. The cerebral narcissist is sometimes a latent (hidden, not yet outed) homosexual.
The somatic narcissist uses other people's bodies to masturbate. Sex with him - pyrotechnics and acrobatics aside - is likely to be an impersonal and emotionally alienating and draining experience. The partner is often treated as an object, an extension of the somatic narcissist, a toy, a warm and pulsating vibrator.
It is a mistake to assume type-constancy. In other words, all narcissists are BOTH cerebral and somatic. In each narcissist, one of the types is dominant. So, the narcissist is either OVERWHELMINGLY cerebral - or DOMINANTLY somatic. But the other type, the recessive (manifested less frequently) type, is there. It is lurking, waiting to erupt. The narcissist swings between his dominant type and his recessive type. The latter is expressed mainly as a result of a major narcissistic injury or life crisis.
I can give you hundreds of examples from my correspondence but, instead, let's talk about me (of course...:o))
I am a cerebral narcissist. I brandish my brainpower, exhibit my intellectual achievements, bask in the attention given to my mind and its products. I hate my body and neglect it. It is a nuisance, a burden, a derided appendix, an inconvenience, a punishment. Needless to add that I rarely have sex (often years apart). I masturbate regularly, very mechanically, as one would change water in an aquarium. I stay away from women because I perceive them to be ruthless predators who are out to consume me and mine.
I have had quite a few major life crises. I got divorced, lost millions a few times, did time in one of the worst prisons in the world, fled countries as a political refugee, was threatened, harassed and stalked by powerful people and groups. I have been devalued, betrayed, denigrated and insulted.
Sam Vaknin has written The Malignant Narcissist and is himself a narcissist. His writings and studies are a good source of information re narcissism in general and the regurgitation of psychological terminology is kept to a minimum while he uses himself as a specific case study.
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- Re: categorize narcissist #68716
17 y
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Vanknin has opened the door for millions of people to understand, identify, and cope with the NPD. With one issue, I must disagree, however: my ex was a somatic NPD, as is my eldest son. Sex was at the core of everything that the ex did and everything that my son does. I haven't had "meaningful" conversation with my ex for about 12 years, so I have no idea what his proclivaties are, but I often remember him referring to the sexual activities of friends and/or acquaintances as a matter of entertainment. His references to female genitalia ("gaping gash," etc) were always negative, always demeaning, and horribly inappropriate. Stupid me, I thought he was trying to joke around, but it wasn't until I was eyeball-deep in his NPD sh*t that I realized that he truly despised, detested, hated, and abhorred women. He was hardly autoerotic - he wanted to engage in as much sexual activity as possible, and really sought the more perverted, demeaning aspects. Masturbation had no part in his personal activities and this is where I take issue with Vanknin's assessment.
The more NPD's that I come into contact with, the more varied expressions of narcissism become. A former "friend" vascilated wildly between cerebral and somatic narcissism and, even in her mid-40's, she would engage in extremely risky sexual behavior and then bait, lure, and ensnare FEMALE "friends" or companions that were based upon "intellect," as she liked to phrase it. She told me once, "I don't like to make friendships with people who maintain a lower IQ level than I do." As with my ex, I had thought that she was joking, but I realized that she honestly believed herself to be the Supreme Authority On Everything. Her VICTIMS were usually women who were intelligent, but in a very, very bad socio-economic situation (divorce, battered, etc.) and she would ensnare her victims with feigned empathy and material support. I am not aware of any activity that she had with other women, but I distinctly recall her references to sexual activities as a precursor to some intimate gesture, like a foot massage or something similar - I always declined, as I felt that there was something a bit more about her requests for physical contact.
Narcissistic Personality Disorder does have it's criteria, but the individual expression of NPD is often so convoluted that it still can hit me blind-side!
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- Re: categorize narcissist mamahuhu
17 y
8,949
This is a reply to # 876,439I'm with you Soul Survivor, I don't think it's so easy to categorize these, for lack of a better word, people. Robots would be a better word.
I was married to one for 7 years. I call that time of my life "The Twighlight Zone". This guy was dominant in both somatic and cerebral, and still is. He is a neurosurgeon and I shudder to think of patients going under his knife. He'd just as soon kill them as help them. And in fact, I'm certain he's done both.
I somehow had the wherewithal to leave and divorce him 20 years ago, but believe me, he did a lot of damage in those few years. We had two children and I left him when they were young because I knew he would destroy them if I didn't. I walked away from millions and millions of dollars and an "elevated" position in our community.
I've never regretted it. Both my children have thanked me for doing so many times. One will have nothing at all to do with him. The other has some communication with him but as little as possible and expects nothing from him.
The only thing I would have changed was to leave him even sooner. Our wedding day would have been a good day, but then I would have missed having two great kids.
I know it's been a long time for me since I went through this and maybe I don't belong on this forum, but having become addicted to curezone, I happened upon this NPD forum and can't help but put in 2 cents worth.
20 years later I still like having the affirmation that I did the right thing to leave, that I wasn't the crazy one, he is, and that the healing goes on still.
I'm also grateful that this forum is here for those who are now going through it. My advice to anyone doing so is going to be "Get Out Now". Everyday with one of these robots is another day of damage being done to yourself and your children if you have any. It's another day of damage that you are going to have to find a way to heal from.
Even though it's been so long, I still have a great deal of trouble with relationships with men. I just have a real hard time trusting them and have given up forever any thought of wanting to be with one. I like them for friends, but that's as far as I can go. Having been married to Dr. Jekell and Mr. Hyde, I expect them to turn into monsters. 7 short years did that for me so the sooner one gets out, the better chance one has of being in a normal relationship. I no longer care because I am 57 now, independent, and quite happy by myself. Still am alright to look at and still get hit on a lot, but I'm just not interested anymore, too old I guess.
I appreciate this forum even now though because I have a family member going through this. I have offered him (he is, I guess, my ex-step-father) a home with me. He's in his late 90's and asked his daughter to come live with him to help him out. He still works as a musician a couple of times a week and is still mentally very sharp, but she is destroying him. She wants his house. She's totally NPD and as mean and nasty as they get. I feel so sorry for him. I've called mental health, senior abuse, and his personal attorney many times. He's so scared of her he just stays, hoping it will get better. She doesn't want me around at all, of course, but I still cause her as much trouble as I can because I'm certain she wants to kill him off and it's much more difficult for her if I keep having people coming around to check up on the situation. It's his home and she wants him to leave! The only way he can get rid of her is to have her legally evicted and he doesn't want to do that. He still has hope. She tells him she hates him all the time, but he still hangs in there. It's very sad.
He says the only hope he has in his heart is that he knows that he can come and stay with me. I live very far from him and he's not yet ready, he says, to leave everything behind. He told me that when he is no longer able to play his music, he will come here.
Well, whew, I vented more than I intended to, but I feel better. It is always nice to find people who know what you are going through and can relate to it. Thanks for being there all you survivors. And for those of you going through this, know that you will eventually go from victim to survivor for you are stronger than the NPD robots, you are human, and that's a BIG advantage.
Mamahuhu
- Re: categorize narcissist Sicklove
11 y
4,417
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Hi Thank you for sharing your experience . Here I am afraid to leave my husband because he holds my daughter's and my health insurance and finance. When I met my husband I had just gone through a divorce with my high school sweetheart/father of my daughter. We were together for 24 years, until we moved to Florida . My ex. Met someone else and left us. Well then came my NPD into picture . He was charming attractive ,he took me and made me forget my pain. He new what to do and when to do it. Took me shopping ,traveling and most of all was good o my little girl. We were married 7 months later. Today 9 years later, I am taking antidepressants, lost my job,identity, self security etc. When I came into marriage I sold my house and the money was splurged in everything we did not need. I need to get out of this . I have Rheumatoid Arthritis , fibromyalgia and many other health issues. He pushed me to file disability so that I can be more productive to his needs. He makes good money in his federal job and 2 business ,but we are filing for bankruptcy this week because our house is in foreclosure for nonpayment . He accumulated $120,000 worth of non secured bills. I don't know where to start!
- Re: categorize narcissist #68716
11 y
4,458
This is a reply to # 2,136,891
I'm very sorry that you're in the situation that you are - I've been exactly where you are, and there is recovery, I promise. It just takes time and a lot of work.
Where to start? The first thing is to determine whether or not you want to remain married to this person. It sounds as if he has taken from you, and taken from you, and the "return" was to provide medical coverage for you and your daughter - a very hefty price when you consider your current emotional and physical issues.
Then, if you have determined that you will dissolve the marriage, sign nothing (especially, joint bankruptcy documents) and tell him nothing of your intentions. Speak to a divorce attorney, ASAP - most will not require a fee for a consultation. Write down every question, every debt, every asset, and every "large ticket" item that you co-own with this man.
Then, contact www.thehotline.org or your local domestic violence and abuse hotline to get in touch with a host of resources that will help you financially, medically, with housing, and other necessities.
If your daughter still lives with you, tell her nothing about any "adult" issues. Do not alert her that you will be separating and divorcing.
If you have been determined disabled and are receiving disability income, that is your income, not his - open an individual banking account and have all payments deposited in this account. If you have a joint checking account, you are legally allowed to withdraw every penny if/when you leave the house that is in foreclosure.
Now, joint bankruptcy is only sensible if you have joint debts - that is to say that you have cosigned loans or jointly liable for unsecured credit card debts. If they are his credit cards and loans in his name, only, and you have not signed any documents of financial obligation, do not, under any circumstances, file joint bankruptcy. If the debts are his, solely, filing jointly will make you equally obligated to either satisfy the Bankruptcy Court by making payments in Chapter 13, or having them entirely discharged in Chapter 7. If they are not your debts, do not take responsibility for them. Period.
Also, I would strongly encourage you to engage in counseling therapy with someone that specializes in trauma. Take all of your fears, betrayals, and emotions to this counselor and begin the journey to recovery. Do not go to your attorney to tell them all about how sad, frightened, or betrayed you feel - your attorney is not a counselor, and it costs every time their paralegal takes a message from you.
Finally, I will urge you to be kind to yourself and put yourself above everything else. Your emotional and physical health has already suffered and you are more important to yourself than this man could ever be.
Sites for you to visit are:
www.thehotline.org
www.ndva.org
www.180rule.com
www.familyarrested.com
Dissolving a contract of marriage comes with a host of terrible processes, but there is recovery after divorce. It has to be about you and helping yourself, first, and not allowing anyone else to come to your rescue. That's rather what happened with the second spouse that I divorced - promises of safety, security, and love were simply words, and he took everything from me that I had. And, I'm sorting it out, finally.
Best wishes to you.
- Re: categorize narcissist #68716
11 y
4,458
- Re: categorize narcissist Sicklove
11 y
4,417
- Re: categorize narcissist mamahuhu
17 y
8,949
- Re: categorize narcissist #68716
17 y
9,138
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