New to this forum, im obese 253 and 5'5 starting fast

I have just been kinda drowning myself in these forums the last few days. Im on my second day of a water fast. I am aiming at 30-50 days, depending on what my body tells me and what not. I was not big growing up. I was born a premie around 4lbs and something. I was anemic when small and during each pregnancy. I never worried about what I ate, never had to think about exercizing. I married 12+yrs ago, had my first child 4 yrs into the marraige. Thats when I really started to gain, and never comepletely lost weight after each child, I have 3 children now the youngest is 12 months. Now as an adult, I have had Depression as a result of my weight gain..or i believe it is a large part of it, I never go out, because of how ashamed I feel about being so big. When I got married I was between a size 5-7 on a good day a 3..but that would be hard to manage now I think. I dont buy myself clothes because, I hate looking at the number. So, there in again I dont like going out because I have nothing nice to wear. It has effected my marraige. I sometimes push my husband away, not letting him touch me, and that sort of thing because I am so disgusted with myself.
I just kinda felt like sharing, or venting. But, I do appreciate whomever started this forum.
Thank you.