Your loss Rudy! To bad though you have so many questions I would think this would be the best source for your answers, too bad you have to bring all your isms into play before you allow yourself to look at this info with an objective veiwpoint, instead of seeing the ghost of rudy in everything! I have come to like you Rudy but I think you're beating yourself up over what ever it is that drives you is hurting you more then helping!
Good luck Rudy and the best with your quest ,what ever it may be!