Honesty Time for Autumn

Hello Friends,

It's finally time for me to post about a relationship problem, now that so many people have been so courageous about posting about theirs.

(Oh, and before we start: I work with parasite cleanses, liver flushes, dietary therapies, EFT, full spectrum lighting, on and on and on, and I do, honest, read the Health Forums and experiment with that every single day, just so y'all know. So the physical side of it seems to have the bases covered.)

The deal is that I have consistently great relationships up to a point. Like a lush gorgeous garden where all the plants are one inch high. This is fine if the garden you have in mind is, like, a Japanese Moss Park or arctic tundra with healthy lichens. But it doesn't grow any apples or corn.

It's holiday season again, and I've been invited to houses all over town.
People think I'm the perfect guest. Even (or especially) very troubled families love, love to invite me because my presence keeps people from fighting at the table. People want to show me slides of their vacation, their baby's first tooth, their new house, their wedding dress, their engagement ring.

My job (and also my hobby) is giving talks in all kinds of environments to all kinds of audiences and culture groups. Performing is effortless and exhilarating; singing at open mikes, standup comedy, public-safety presentations, talks in prisons, talks in hospitals, talks in an AIDS hospice, staffing a table at big conferences and shaking hands all day, demonstrating food products at a very cool grocery.

Fine.

The problem is, I've virtually never been in a primary relationship, and even then only for a few days or weeks. Every few years some man sees me and decides She's IT! But then he gets a clear unmistakeable call to go enter the Catholic priesthood, or get in touch with his inborn heritage as a Gay man, or his family has a catastrophe and he has to go back to his village overseas, or is drafted in his country's Armed Forces and disappears, or has a sudden accident and dies, whatever. Gone! Men love me right away; they think I'm kind, empathic, funny, saintly, and brilliant. They are absolutely fascinated. Then, as a rule, they flee for the hills. And over and over again, men have burst into tears when they realize that I'm, like, an ideal mate except that they don't find me sexually scorching at all. Imagine one blind date after another where the man shows up, takes one look at me, and starts sobbing???
So, no dating at all in almost 12 years.

And even friendships... so many people, so many, say "Oh my God, you are so kind, empathic, funny, saintly, brilliant. If only I had time to get together with you!" People from all kinds of cultures think I'm irresistible (for about 3 hours, and then they have to get back to their busy lives and families). People actually used to drive up to my door at all hours of night to tell me their deepest problems, cry at my table, or pay me for the leftovers in my fridge because "your energy makes everything taste good." A few times they were total strangers who had HEARD about me from a friend! People at bus stations, airports, store customers, strangers on the street would feel compelled to come and talk and talk about their lives. Over time I eased my way out of that vibe; so now people are still eager to meet for a power lunch, or do dinner and a movie, or invite me to a fabulous party. But my fantasy is to curl up on a Sunday and read the newspapers with somebody. Or have someone come over and bring me juice when I'm sick, the way I like to do for other sick people. Or swap a foot massage. Or cook a pot of beans and rice and loll around on the sofa. Just something implicit and comfy and warm.

But that doesn't seem to be available, even when I ask for it. 10 years ago I had to deal with a really dreadful life situation. Everybody said "You are so brave! Imagine dealing with all that!" and then they vanished into the woodwork. One day I took out my address book and dialed every number from A to Z. I said to everybody "Please, can somebody just come sit on my bed for an hour and put their arm around me and let me cry?" Nobody could. One of them said "I can't even be sitting next to a person who's coping with that much pain." One Easter when people in my church asked what my plans were, I said "This Easter I would like a hug. I refuse to attend any church service unless a hug is included." My friends were really taken aback at this; it sounded kind of blasphemous to them. One of them said "You can hug my baby." I said "Nope, sorry; babies don't exist to meet my physical needs." I never got my hug that year.

There is plenty of good advice out there for lonely people.
"To have a friend, be a friend." Or "take up a hobby." Or "find people less fortunate, and help them." or "Wear sexy clothes and makeup!" (My image is more like LL Bean Alpine Photographer; I used to wear glam clothes and makeup and just felt stupid.) So I do lovely social things and really enjoy them: volunteer, take classes, teach classes, sing in a choir, draw and give the pictures away to depressed people, mingle, go on group hikes, go folk dancing. It's all fine, and my town is FULL of legions of lovely talented folks who want me in their Rolodex, but there's no one to really talk to and no one to touch.

Finally two years ago on a birthday, this deep unconscious part of me picked a deadline date (it's still a year and a few months away) and said "Ok, I'll go on living THIS long and then that's it. I'm outa here!" I tell that to people and they freak out. They say "Oh my God, God no, you can't do that. I'd be devastated. You're so kind! You're so empathic! ..." And then they go back to being really really busy.

In the time between now and my deadline I plan to wrap up my life in this town, buy a long-term bus ticket, and travel around the country a while just meeting folks and giving talks and looking at smaller towns. My hope is that in a small town, if one chooses very carefully, there might be a way of life where people have a little more time for close relationships. Of course, I may be totally wrong. But, what's to lose?

There ya have it.
In one sense, I've been a big impostor: all this time on Cure Zone here I was firing off this affirming advice to sad people when in fact it's just casting silk webbing over my own abyss.

Now I am gonna hush up and listen to all of YOU.

Gratitude and Blessings,
Autumn