So, the issue wasn't my ability or desire to enjoy sex, but my ignorance of what the "Dark Side" meant. Is there even a Dark Side of sex? Indeed, there is. When a human being's sensuality is used as a method of control and degradation, it's very Dark.

To understand how an abuser manipulates through sex, it's important to grasp the concept of crazy-making on ALL levels. There isn't JUST physical abuse, or JUST emotional abuse, or JUST financial abuse - all abuse is interconnected to one degree or another. So, if I'm tolerating financial abuse - the abuser assumes total control of financial decisions and obligatios - then, the other forms of abuse are present and active EVEN IF the financial abuse is the most predominant form.

In my case, the emotional dehumanization was already in high gear. The sexua| abuse became the primary device of humiliation and shame for the former abuser. This started with subtle demands of performing things that were questionable. When the demands weren't met, I was accused of having "probably" done it with a previous partner and that my objections meant that a) I was having an affair with a coworker, b) punishing my legal husband, c) didn't love my husband of 2 months, anymore. Any attempt to discuss my objections was distorted into an hours-long. Defense of my objections. If I dared to stand firm, I was delivered The Silent Treatment. I was devalued until I did what he wanted.

Now, for those who have never experienced domestic violence and abuse, it may feel simple to stand in judgement of my duplicity, and I pity their absence of compassion because it is nearly impossible to rationally explain how someone can get caught in that downward spiral into the abyss of abuse. Try to keep in mind that the games are ongoing during every waking moment, even during times of what appears to be peace and harmony. There exists a CONSTANT climate of withold and reward. As long as I was meek and agreeable, the abuser would gift me with approval. The approval was always conditional, and IS conditional in every case of abuse that I've ever been involved with or read about.

As a form of humiliation, the former abuser introduced me to hard-core p 0 r n o g r a p h y. At first, it was a seriou turnon because I was seeing sexua| behaviors that were absolutely taboo. Taboo, that is, until the abuser began to question my own sexuality if I refused to do what had been portrayed in these images. There was a week when I was shunned by the abuser because I was uncomfortable in hiring a male prostitute or inviting a second man (or, woman) into our bed. For 168 hours, the only response that I could get when I asked the abuser, "Why won't you talk to me," was, "Why won't you try something exciting? You must be getting it somewhere else." Then silence. And, no - I never gave into his demands in that respect, even though he made demands for a third party throughout our ill-fated union.

Again, the tiny device has become tedious.

Brightest blessings!