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- 3 years ago today - this is what I said.83 d
- flashback to what it was like
do i want the piano
Date: 2/27/2010 7:18:31 PM ( 3 y ) ... viewed 644 times
Day 13 of positive affirmations. Can’t hurt.
This morning I was truly out of my own body. I cannot afford to let myself plow through. I am middle-aged, I’m not 23 anymore. I am working on my 7th day straight at work and the emotions are running. They have a life of their own if I let them.
Ex #2 emails me today. Wants to know if I want the piano. No, what I’d really like is to have an adult conversation about how the kids have been these past two years, how my elderly ex-mother-in-law is doing, ... read more
- Resuming the resuming process.83 d
- never never never give up
I read my last blog from 7 months ago. I am so happy to say that I am still running. My weight has not changed and I believe that is due to muscle mass. My glutes are very, very happy and that seems to make a couple of others happy each day. It feels good to be almost 49 and ’hotter than 40 acres of burning stumps’ as a retired Vietnam vet fighter pilot has told me on more than one occasion. I’ve been praying for God to please make me a woman worthy of the man I would like to be with and for a man who actually sees me for who I am - not just a pair of glutes. He has brought that vet ... read more
- resuming life10 mon
- *
Okay, resuming my life from the blip of a physical and emotional breakdown of sorts. It came from being 450. short on my bills every month and it is still that way. What am I going to do? I don’t know. I don’t want to be depleted again. I will lose it all if I do.
So, I have to work 6 days a week no matter what at my job. I have to take two classes each semester. This coming semester that means 4 nights a week. Two of those nights I will get home by 7:30, thankfully. It is already looking like no change when I promised my bosses change. Do I drop school? Is that what I do? A ... read more
- good vacation10 mon
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I’ve been on vacation now for 8 official days. Phew. I feel human again. I am not angry all the time, I have hope for my future.
My bosses are asking for accountability and I am grateful. This feels like the final big door to walk through in sobriety and *hopefully* maintenance after that. I’d like to think I may be able to pass for normal soon.
I bought The Four Agreements. I will be reading that after Monday.
Taking magnesium and hitting the rack. visit the page
- *11 mon
- *
A portion of what I wrote yesterday:
”So, a day of rest and my head is almost back on my shoulders. What will I commit to tonight? It’s 5pm Eastern, 9pm bedtime. So - clean the kitchen, make the bed, take out the garbage, pick up the bathroom. Go for a 4 mile run dirt road run w/waterfalls, covered bridge, farm fields, and maple canopy over the road. Read just one chapter of Human Growth & Development. Then lights out.
I am going to run the mountain peak tomorrow morning. It’s 4 miles and there will be no cars to run me over.”
The word ’commit’ has my attention. I said I would ’c ... read more
- 39½ miles run...11 mon
- *
39½ miles run...since my last entry. I remember just 3 years ago running 1 mile was something I could’nt wrap my head around. For 32 years I’ve tried to run on and off. It would hurt emotionally deeply when I tried. My mind, distractions, and illusions would own me. That’s how little control I’ve had over my mind. It owned me.
My son’s death has kicked my ass (or my mind) right through some of that. I had to learn to really live because it was and is truly all gone. No where to hide, so run miles.
I ran 8 miles last night. I left work early because I was clashing with my cow ... read more
- Broken Head, Body's Fine11 mon
- *
Ran 5½ miles today. By mistake. Awesome. Ran Remembrance Run course this morning. Failed to take a turn and added 2 miles to my run. I ended up doing more than I thought I could and it felt really good.
Slept this afternoon. Have to do finances, dishes, practice piano and read a couple chapters of phlebotomy.
Not bad.
I really do have a good life I am creating. I am grateful to have the ability to seek and do new things. visit the page
- 3 miles today12 mon
- .
Ran 3 miles this evening and pretty happy about it. I feel my torso growing longer and stronger. My posture is improving.
Why is it that I feel like I am forcing myself to live my life even when I do good things for myself? I feel like shit inside.
I feel like shit. Even after 3 miles. It’s not the running I feel shitty about. It’s my existance. I feel doomed in the big picture. And, I feel happy about the changes in my body in this moment.
Hmmmmm.
Ignore the former, embrace the latter.
visit the page
- two hour power walk/run, two frogs12 mon
- *
So cool. Determined I was going to be out for two hours, I was out for two full hours on the trail. I ran the last mile or two. Saw beautiful purple flox lining the trail for a bit. The smell was purple. Gorgeous. Sweet. Light. Wispy. Heard critter jumping in the water. LOTS of mosquitoes. (Run, Forrest! Run!) Beautiful creeks, grass, hills, mountains, fields - oh, yeah - and staties running the roads looking for DUIs on the state highway that runs parallel to the rail trail at times.
On the way home I saw on two separate parts of the trail: two frogs! One was as big as my ... read more
- Doing the deal.12 mon
- *
I am doing the deal. Not as I imagined. Not as others may have imagined. Yet, somehow I am doing the deal.
I have been sober 3 years, 4 months, and 7 days.
I have completed a trade training and am gainfully employed with my state’s top hospital. I have held this position for 1 year, 5 months.
I have successfully completed my first semester in school toward achieving my RN degree with a 3.4 average.
I will begin my second semester tomorrow night.
I have been exercising regularly for 3 weeks and ran a new 4 mile course twice. (No small feat for a 3rd generation maniac.)
... read more
- "On, on!!!" laughed the cars. (Thomas the Tank Engine.)12 mon
- *
Yesterday after work I went for a 2 mile run, washed my kitchen floor on my hands and knees, took the junk I need to dispose of and put it in my truck, ate dinner, plucked my eyebrows and took old nail polish off of my nails.
When I got home from work I felt like I was dying inside. My entire being felt like a 50lb. bag of sand. I just wanted to lie there or take some kind of pill and sleep until this morning. Didn’t do that.
I ran instead. I was coming home from my run on Main St. and I stopped to chat with my neighbor. I got to hear how he’s doing in his life with his struggle ... read more
- All but 3 from yesterday's list.12 mon
- *
So, yesterday I was - yet again - sooo depressed. My brain just does not make happy chemicals. I have to earn every moment’s peace. I accept that. I really do.
I did everything yesterday - including 9, yes nine, loads of laundry. I had my friend’s washer going for almost 10 hours. Today I dry it all at the laundermat. I am so grateful he allowed me to do laundry while he was out.
I did not start the AA inventory and I did not do the paperwork for the semester. That will be done tonight. I really have to get to bed so that I can be horizontal for at least 9 hours. I am sick o ... read more
- feelings are not always fact12 mon
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The meeting I did not hit and the run was 2 miles. The floor waxing was a floor vacuuming. All else was done. Not bad. I did not say just how rock-bottom depressed I was at that moment. I decided to write the flip side of what I was feeling and do that.
So, this morning is the same. Power day. Not ’Feeling’ day.
Go for a run in the light rain.
Practice piano lessons.
Eat something.
Do laundry.
Begin start of day inventory from Big Book.
Complete paperwork for the coming semester.
Call 3 friends to chat about what they are up to.
Easy list.
I have a life I must driv ... read more
- power day12 mon
- *
Today is a power day.
Going for a 3 mile run.
Calling 3 friends to see how they are.
Doing a start of day 12 step inventory.
Cleaning my house and waxing my kitchen floor.
Practicing the piano - I love doing the scales for speed.
Hitting a meeting tonight at 8pm.
Yay! Day off tomorrow. Love it. Two in a row. So much to do.
Living the flip-side of my parents’ lives, of my previous life - is sooooo much better.
*bighug* visit the page
- Does it matter?12 mon
- *
Made mini blueberry muffin loaves before work this morning. Taking a ’what can I bring to this day?’ attitude. People enjoyed them.
A person’s wife asked me if I was married. ”No. Why do you ask?” She then asks me if I have children. No, again. I then smile and continue on my task, grateful her husband asked a question that deflected the attention from her inquiry. Don’t want to talk about my late boy or my divorce today to strangers, I was thinking - thankyouverymuch.
She grabs me by the arm in the hall and pulls me close to her. It’s okay she says. I know what it’s like. M ... read more
- action12 mon
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Not much too say. Same fight, different day. Still have not surrendered. Pray. Pray and take the action. I will not ’feel’ like taking care of myself. The action MUST come first.
Turned 48 yesterday. It was a beautiful, rainy day. I am blessed.
visit the page
- Need to unwind.12 mon
- *
*sigh* Just got home from work, school, store, and post office. Running 45 minutes late. Rescheduled piano lesson. *sigh again*
I am a bully. Let’s face it. There are times when how I feel comes before anyone or anything in my own mind.
There are times when I truly believe that if I don’t come up for air regardless of what is going on around me I will suffocate. That is the thinking of a bully to me.
The term bully seems harsh, doesn’t it? I think of a bully who purposely goes out to make themself feel good through the targeting of someone weaker and less capable of protec ... read more
- lots of dreams13 mon
- *
Today is a day of high stress alternate with dreams for what I can change. That is awesome - to dream in spite of stress. That’s powerful. Emotions don’t have to rule me. I can acknowledge fear, stress, and even panic - then choose my action. I can also choose to take action to take space before I choose definitive action in my life. Called my friend tonight and told him I needed him to come with me to a meeting because I really didn’t think I’d get there otherwise and that not getting there is NOT a good idea right now. I have never spoken those words to him in 3 years. He graciou ... read more
- Just found this awesome entry.13 mon
- *
I loved re-reading this. I love her. That’s who I am. That’s who I want to be. That’s the woman, the girl, the sprite who is me. I am truly grateful.***********
Cut and pasted entry:
Date: 7/17/2010 9:54:40 PM ( 21 mon ) ... viewed 1355 times
Ate banana and PB for breakfast. Not really hungry today. Munched more almonds. Ate lettuce and dressing for lunch. Shopped tonight for all I need for the week. $20 worth of bulk tofu. A buck a brick. Not bad. 8oz bricks. Had one on the way home. 72 miles round trip for tofu. Now that’s allegiance. I love the flavor and it’s really, re ... read more
- Glad to be back in touch.13 mon
- *
So good to remember the strength and inspiration I would get by blogging here. As I type I can feel the forward motion and motivation I sought. *sigh*
So, dated ex-husband last year for 5 months. He chewed me up and spit me out. And I was surprised and hurt. Dumb ass. Me as well as him. I am not a stupid woman, I knew his heart was not in the relationship or even available to me anymore. I was the old car broken down on the side of the road as he watched the newer, shinier models drive by.
What did I learn? What gifts did I get that can propel me forward?
Well, first that ... read more
- Getting beyond barely surviving...25 mon
- *
...how do I get beyond barely surviving?
I am taking L-methylfolate, B6, blue-green algae, a multi-vitamin, and red krill oil. Brain chemistry is being nurtured. Medication side effects have included dysphagia, excessive sleep, extreme agitation and sleeplessness, near-fainting, collapsing legs when jogging, and long-term liver and kidney disease. So, choices. What are my choices to live here?
Called a friend and am going to a meeting tonight. Will pick her up in about an hour.
Job is going okay. Mostly very, very well with one or two snags as I learn. Mistakes are a part o ... read more
- Happy St. Valentine's Day27 mon
- *
Happy St. Valentine’s Day!
Today the spell broke. OMG. I took 4 hours off from work and got up later than usual. I had an ice pack on my head for hour and talked to my sponsor.
I ate crap today. So what. I’m alive.
It is like a fog that lands on me.
I did an hour of reading and meditation in the morning. Wrote out a gratitude list. Texted and called people to find out how THEY were. Focused on the task at hand at work while I was working. Had inspirational music playing in the background. Read the Big Book. Called my sponsor and shared honestly what was going on.
... read more
- chemically depraved27 mon
- *
my body is chemically depraved of what others have an abundance of. I am convinced. I am lonely to the core and nothing seems okay. This is just another day of a lifetime of emptiness.
I have eaten a good breakfast, read 7 meditation books and journaled to them, cleaned my house, did my hair and make up and I look very well. I just want to cry, take a pill and go to sleep. That, I am convinced, is chemical depravity. I even took the Busprione prescribed to me. Is there hope for me? What will it take for my brain to ’click into place’ and be like the rest of the human race? Is i ... read more
- Lonely, but very well.27 mon
- *
It’s been a bit lonely today. Sent out 4 dozen cookies to my oldest stepson for his birthday. I am disowned from that family - I never really was a part of that family it seems. Not enough to move into the future with me as a human being I guess. Okay, no self pity.
I sent the cookies because I am no longer living by how I think others think of me. If they are sent back, fine. I will send a batch next year as well. I love. I just love. If it is accepted, then it is accepted. If it is rejected, then it is rejected. In the end, I love. That’s it. That’s me. I am a parent. I ... read more
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Add Blog To Your Favorites! Beginning March 8th, 2008 I will change my diet from typical American carnivore to vivacious American raw vegan - if it’s not raw vegan, I will not ingest it.… more...
Last Activity: 83 d ago
199 Messages Last message 83 d ago
55 Comments Last comment 12 mon ago
viewed 205,797 times
Created: 5 y Mar 06 2008
Comments (10 of 55):
Re: All but 3 from… ren 12 mon
Re: lots of dreams Marigo… 12 mon
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Re: Glad to be bac… Marig… 13 mon
Re: Glad to be bac… ren 13 mon
Re: Week 4 complet… ren 28 mon
Re: just did a min… shree… 3 y
Re: crap day, lite… ren 3 y
Re: Since June 22 AznHiso… 3 y
z huldaklark 3 y
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