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It's coming too fast yet it is all perfect timing.
Processing is not always a choice.
Date: 10/22/2017 7:29:02 PM ( 7 y ) ... viewed 791 times My past is coming up on me so fast. My childhood is processing with the blink of my eye. I was left with an untreated ear infection while during those months of that year my older sister was taken to Disneyland when I was 13 years old. How does that happen? Same parents. Two girls, 13 months apart. How does that happen? The pain of the contrast between my and my sister's existence seems too big. Why am I feeling this now? Why? We had 1 burner of 4 that worked on our kitchen stove and my father owned a Porsche 914 as well at that time. Excuse me? What?
It is absurd the emotional pretzel of my parents' courtship, marriage and divorce. In seeing so clearly what was really going on and in response I then place the responsibility back to them and the relationship between the two of them; when I take myself out of the equation for simply having been born and the cost to their existence a second child brought - I shake my head. There were six older children as a result from the two marriages my parents had before they married. *sigh* Neither parent could take true responsibility for their choices and one of those choices was to have me. The straw that broke the camel's back, seemingly. We had food, we had a roof over our heads, and while they did not always fit - we each had one pair of shoes and a new coat in the winter each year. But, that was truly the extent of it. It was a hostile environment of stepkids, half-siblings, step parents, prejudice, and poverty.
My mother was white, my father was not.
His very well-to-do family disowned him and her family had not tolerated the bad decisions she made: My father, my sister, and me.
When I woke from my nap this afternoon, I woke to the stark view of my father's failure in life to earn a living, to take care of himself and his family, to love and be loved. He died without a home to call his own, penniless, and young - he was 58. I woke to his reality being the window in which to view my future.
I am grateful. My life is simple. I only have to not make the same choices they made. It really is that simple. The resources three decades after his death are abundant and available.
I am okay, I will be more than okay tomorrow. Day 2 Raw Vegan.
I sit in the palm of God's Hand when I practice Raw Veganism. I like that. I will say it again as I feel it to be a profound realization for me: I sit in the palm of God's Hand when I practice Raw Veganism.
Through my continued growth, I am a light for my nieces and nephews to walk toward. These choices truly hold the key to my bright, successful future. It's all very simple. Now, just breathe.
Monday - the day of the week my only child was born on and the very day he died on. It will be a beautiful day because I will make another spinach shake, I will power walk for a full hour, I will pray and meditate. It is deep within me, the reason as to why I am still here, why I have been "left behind", seemingly in my parents' lives and in my own son's life. It is the palm of God's Hand I will sit as the inevitable metamorphosis takes place. I need only to be willing. Today, I pray for willingness. xoxo
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