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Day 26 of 92
Keep digging for strength and the truth.
Date: 4/2/2008 11:27:30 AM ( 16 y ) ... viewed 1650 times Well, back on my feet. Just dropped out for two full weeks. Pretty typical of my habit patterns. Two weeks on, two weeks off. Honesty. I could've just logged in and lied each day. Now that would be a true bit of %¤#&!§-, now wouldn't it? I see now that if I logged in and just told it like it was, I may not have had to dropped my dream for two full weeks. I could maybe shorten the time with honesty and willingness. Being perfect is %¤#&!§-- I have yet to meet someone who was. So why the standard in my own mind for myself?
I am back where I started, it feels like. Trying to figure out how to just do this thing called my life. I know how my body operates and I know what I can and cannot eat to function, know my family history for cancer and self-destruction. I am here for me and I refuse to give up. I fall, and it's neither pretty nor inspirational when I do. I am here for me and it is me that I need to save.
What to do differently? Morning blogs. That sets the tone for the day. Daily check list of what needs to get done. Minimum daily 'to do' list. Reading other blogs of people who are in the same boat and actually begin a stream of communication with them - invite them into my life. Stats - numbers are always inspirational, tracking change is crucial as my perception of me needs proof that I've changed in order to change my perception of myself. I've got a 30-day self improvement CD program. Popping it in during my commute each day would push me forward, help remind my brain the direction I am going in. Sleep and lots of it. No more, but no less than 9 hours in bed each night. Detox kicks ass and I need to treat myself with care.
None of this is dependent on whether or not I get feedback, on whether or not my husband and step-kids join me, on whether or not they support me, or on whether or not anyone I know approves of this. This is also not dependent on how I feel. I feel like shit but can act in faith.
There are certain things I cannot do, like join friends out at a buffet or go to dinner with my family outside of the home. Why would I put myself in harm's way when I am trying to heal myself and my thinking? If I am not this careful how will I ever get my feet under me and succeed? I have to be careful not to share what I'm doing with carnivores. Talk about a wave of shit. I've had people say 'all things in moderation'. All-rightee-then. But, a charred steak in moderation is still a charred steak. A teaspoon of poison is still poison, even if I'm not taking the whole bottle.
I bought a small refrigerator on my very last shopping excursion with my son before he died. I am going to use it exclusively for me and my food. That was its intended purpose anyway. We currently use it in the garage for soda. Big, big red light there.
I am scared to live. So much has been swept away by death in my family. Two brothers and a father in three years, another brother six years later and now my only son. All within 19 years. I'm going to be 44 years old. I have been trying to live my life in a state of perpetual numbness. A sort of movie-like trance. I've been clean and sober since I learned of my pregnancy. I hate the 12-steppers at this time in my life. The ones I thought were my friends abandoned me when my son died with %¤#&!§-like "God has a plan." f**k you, your God, and your God's plan. Trying living it and then tell me all about the 'grand scheme' of things. It just doesn't fly. The universe can be random and unpredictable and it's doesn't f**king much care about me or whos it takes out on any personal level. There is no rhyme or reason. It is now down to cause and effect. I either take care of my body to help increase my chances of living or I don't. I can't very well eat a donut, a coffee and all the meat and cheese I want and profess that God has a plan and that when my time comes it will come. Or, that God' loves me and he must know best. I've heard people actually say in meetings that God will take care of her and that it doesn't much matter what she does because God is in charge. OMG. Now, THAT'S insanity.
So, all I can do is MY best. Take all the right action I can in a day and let the results go. I cannot say that I will live to be 96 if I never eat meat again. I can say that with each bite I take that is raw vegan that I am taking in the most live food and most nutritionally accessible food for my body and it only makes sense that my body can function best on the most advantageous bite I give it. No God, no mystical "I'm loved by God" crap. I love me. Bottom line. I love me. People in AA did not love me until I could love myself. I was told that I needed to get off the pity-pot when I shared in meetings how I was devastated by losing my boy, how I felt abandoned by God, how life just did not make sense. Some did say that I needed to ignore people who were harsh and 'keep coming back'. The vast majority shares about God's love, God's plan, letting God in my life. Oooh, baby. Listening to that is like saying Santa exists and if I'm good - Santa will come. I go to one to two meetings a month. I stopped going completely for a year and a half. I must admit that I went back because I was just plain lonely. But going back to to hear the words of people stuck in their tunnel vision and my listening with sane and critical thinking has helped me to understand how important it is that I love myself first and let the God crap go. I have yet to hear someone that I can relate to. I have yet to find someone who is not overweight or gray-skinned, someone who is not addicted to either food, caffeine or cigarettes. I have yet to find an vegan athlete and is not addicted to the AA jargon. Someone who is not afraid to let go of the 'God' factor and just be strong and live through their own choices. What I do hear is "I don't know how to live so I come here" and "My best thinking got me here". Shit. Sounds like they're spinning in circles. This is after decades of sobriety. I'd like to think that living in a very rural section of the utmost northern United STates is why these people are like this. I'd like to think that maybe not everyone in AA is an %¤#&!§-.
My best thinking keeps searching for the next right thing to do, the next right guideline by which to live, the next right way to eat. I want to up my chances of survival, not continually tell myself that I cannot be trusted.
More later tonight.
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