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Saturday
Step 10
Date: 2/13/2010 1:08:34 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 1705 times Did not exercise before the meeting this morning. Did not share in the meeting even though the silence lasted quite a while and the meeting ended early due to the lag in sharing. I am not responsible today to make sure the meeting is going well. I am practicing 'restraint of tongue and pen' due to my spewing anger in the previous seven months of 'sharing'. Last night's meeting was on 'death and how we handle it'. An old-timer nudged me to share. Nope, I'm just not doing it. Not now. I have got to learn to just be quiet and let this state's AA be exactly what it is. Every time I open my mouth I do so with the resentment that 'they're not doing it out of the Big Book'. That certainly is true. But today, I am invisible. I have to be. I watch the thoughts come and go as I sit there in the silence. This morning's meeting was on Step 10 out of the 12 and 12. It advises we take an evening inventory and we go so far as to 'create a balance sheet'. Not one person who shared advised their experience in this. I heard how she 'respects old-timeers who sit in meetings with quiet wisdom' how he 'tolerates new comers who hurt others with their offensive sharing in meetings'. Time is apparently all it takes to be an old-timer here, not experience in actually doing a daily inventory. Not my program, that's all I know and live by.
I would LOVE to hear how each one in that room, out of the 12 and 12's instruction, actually practices taking daily inventory by creating a balance sheet at night. I didn't say a f*cking word. Not one word. I sat there in 'quiet wisdom'!!! HA!!! I am out to save my own ass and that is all I can do today.
Jesus, it is truly no wonder I am so angry. There's no program here at all. Not that I can see. I will bring this up in my inventory tonight - no resentments are free here.
So, morning readings and meditation, nightly inventories, prayer and meditation. I have to let the Big Book save my ass because it's all I have to go on.
I am off to deliver a small meal to a young woman who recently experienced her Dad die. Her Mom died when she was 5 and her Dad drank off the insurance money and abandoned her at 15 or so. She was emancipated but in the past year she's taken care of him physically and let him live with her. She's not even 26 yet. I hope that my delivery will let her know that I care, even as she rejects me. She really likes my ex-husband a lot and baby sat for him when she was a teen. She doesn't particularly like me and I always make the effort to just be kind. I feel it is especially now that she is grieving this big loss. She's an orphan of sorts and this death must really challenge her. How could it not challenge anyone who had such an unstable road with her parents. So many get to be tucked in at night for at least one decade, not her. I won't project, I'll just extend love with no strings attached. A card, a plastic bowl of food. I hope it fills whatever need she may have. And if she has no need, then good. I am relieved for her.
I have to get out there and really exercise now. My brain hurts from thinking.
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