Re: CF : Attitudes

First of all, I must thank you for your thoughts and advice. It is wonderful to receive responses from others, especially those so analytical, reassuring and indeed hopeful.

The lump is directly behind my left ear and in no way visible to others, although I tend to always be aware of its presence. I discovered the lump so early in my youth that I immediately perceived it to be “cancer,” for cancer and lumps were synonymous in my young mind. I hid its existence from my parents for fear of being “found out” and forced to confront my death via treatment. (Even at this early age I was well aware of the fact that people with cancer went in for treatment and never returned.)
I dreaded visiting the hairdressers, as I feared that someone would notice this lump and promptly tell my parents. I watched television programs featuring cancer “victims” so as to prepare myself for what was to come, all the time existing in misery awaiting my death. I can even recall later learning of the death of a somewhat famous football player (Davie Cooper), who died instantly of a brain tumour, and I prayed that my death be that swift, causing no pain and no prolonged hassle to my family! I do not believe any child need suffer this, and to even think of it makes me ill. Due to my lack of knowledge I perhaps falsely diagnosed myself, which has in turn lead to the past eighteen or so years of my life consisting solely of depression and “unlife.” Now that I have studied and researched in the hope of curing myself of “cancer,” it appears almost laughable that I have wasted so much time worrying about something I could never have been certain of! This thought makes me sick with rage (for what a waste); yet, one has to wonder why the previous happenings “happened” in the first instance…

Now that I have educated myself somewhat, the “lump” can be explained via relatively simple means, and the explanation Andreas so kindly provided sums it up perfectly (and his reassurance was more than needed). Plus, prior to my hopeful searching I fell ill (around my eighteenth birthday), and was in crippling pain with no appetite, incessant nauseau, black-outs, etc., for over three years; but now all this can be easily explained by the term “auto-intoxication.” The pain, I now realise, was situated in my liver/gallbladder region, which may well explain why flushing has been such a chore for me, as it also explains almost every symptom I have experienced over the past eight or more years! I feel ridiculous having worried for so very long about what might or might not be...but, as Andreas says, the lump's presence is no accident, and thanks to your post as well as Andreas’ I can hopefully now begin remedying all the ailments it has caused, most of which are clearly mental/spiritual rather than physical (although the lump disappearing in time would seal the deal, so to speak...)

Ami, everything you wrote graces my eyes like the full moon in a star-lit sky, and I cannot thank you enough for taking the time to “speak” to me via this occasional phenomenon known as the internet! I am so very emotional at the moment my words may well seem nonsensical...I am so full of energy that I am not even sure where I can possibly begin! Ah, vernal equinox, Monday; there is surely no better time!

Here is to hope, generosity, knowledge, relief and “life,” perhaps for the very first time in my previously unfulfilled existence!


Lee.
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