ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... 
rygar.
17 y
4,446
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since trying to allow myself to 'like' girls again or try to at least without being effected by all of my excess baggage,I have ran into so many issues and problems I have been trying to deal with but never have gotten through.This all has led me to heartache,pain,rejection feelings,hurt and frustration.I just can't deal with intimacy and allowing myself to feel vulnerable when I am actually trying to let myself go..maybe it's too much effort and I just need to relax a little bit..just let things flow and they will take care of themselves.I am just not ready for those feelings.
I have decided that sex is okay lol.
I mean,I do attract girls and they do find me interesting enough to notice..why not just enjoy it if I got it? I see no harm in that just as long as I don't delude these girls into thinking there is something more.To tell you the truth,I do get lonely ..very very very lonely and sometimes I just need some physical attention to mend the wounds of my broken heart..because yes,I am very broken inside,bruised and fragile.I may not be able to deal with affections of the heart but I know what I need and that is attention to my body.Somedays I just want to be held or kissed,touched or just want to screw the life out of someone..just a release.We are all adults here so no need to hold back right? lol.
I am not ready for love..for deep 'relationships',talking and getting to know someone past the point of knowing enough to screw them (foreplay?!) lol.
I am young and won't have my youth forever..I know that once I am old the wanker is going to loose some of it's punch like most old farts.Thank god for viagra but for now I think I will take advantage of my younger years while I still can.
I just can't let myself open up emotionally to ANYONE right now without immediate feelings of hatred and resentment for sharing so much of myself with anyone..I promised myself a long time ago I would never love again and never be hurt.I have loved so dearly and been hurt so badly,not sure I can do it again..not sure I am ready to let go of that anger just yet,not sure if I really want to.Quite honestly I just want to fvck.
Love and hate seem to be strongly intertwined in me.I just can't have one without the other..being so,i know exactly the types of girls to avoid..ones that I am really attracted to emotionally and know they would be more girlfriend material.And then comes the other ones..ones where we would be a good match physically.Didn't really tell the the difference before but now it's like I can just tell lol.- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... herb-gal
17 y
4,336
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,069,073I had a decent "affair" (not with the cheating connotation) with a man who I think seems just like you.
What you have to watch out for is...sometimes you end up taking home a girl that turns out to be more than a piece of ass. You get to talking and you enjoy spending time with her so much, without realizing it, that you make more and more booty calls until you finally realize that there's emotions getting involved whether or not you made the oath beforehand that there would be no strings attached. Then you have to let go because you are 1. afraid of attachment, or 2. don't want to end up hurting someone, in the long run, who, as it turns out, is actually pretty cool.
Watch out for the intelligent ones!
Anyway, that's why our little love affair was put to an end. And be careful with the whole "I don't want to get attached" excuse...because lots of a-holes use that line when they just want a fresh piece of booty, and it's not necessarily unknown to the world of women.- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,208
This is a reply to # 1,069,200that's easy to avoid..I just don't talk to them during 'those times'..you know the times,when everything feels real good and you are both in bed together or when everything seems to be just flowing right.I just shut up and resist the urge to answer any of her probing questions into either my life or past or just keep her talking lol.
I used to like that stuff..sharing,opening up,talking about my past heartaches and this and that..now that I just shut up (hard to believe right? lol) and just linger in the moment and bask in it's euphoria..why ruin a precious moment with talking and blah blah blah?
O:
I'll just spread my attention thinly among many but keeping the bond strong in the bedroom..problem solved.
(:
I wish everything in life was this simple!
Affairs of the heart are one thing..obsessions of the flesh..well..you get the idea.
As long as I don't get all emotionally invested with someone,it's a-okay...I just can't deal with everything else that comes with 'relationships' that's always been my problem..this way it's like a fast forward button to the good parts of the movie..
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,208
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... been there done that
17 y
4,243
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This is a reply to # 1,069,073(abstract concepts)
Whatever your ambitions for your life, right now it might be a good idea to call a "time out" and get to understand yourself better so you learn not to be hard on yourself instead of pursuing a repeat of your past (your past has not completely satisfied you).
Whenever someone thinks of old people as "old farts", they will also tend to have a bad outlook on their own life (your view of other people [in general/society] determines your view of yourself in general,...MIRROR). Since you feel that as you get older, all you can look forward to is becoming an "old fart", I'm not surprised at your disappointment/lack of enthusiasm. If you are living to satisfy your "wanker"--DITTO! (how can you have warmth in your heart?).
Did you ever consider that you might be a warm, warm, warm person? (sensitive to GENUINE love, profound in heart) and the PHYSICAL intimacy that you were taught to chase isn't fulfilling your sense of EMOTIONAL intimacy.
What is your idea of true love? The common understanding of "love" is that it is AN emotion (one of many), but you might have a deeper meaning that...love is a SENTIMENT and genuine (actually the only REAL sentiment, the opposite of love..."hate" is actually egotistical resentment, it's not a real GENUINE sentiment all by itself).
Your past experiences and relationships (friendships, family, etc.) haven't satisfied your yearning for the sentiment of love. When you offer the SENTIMENT of love and only get the EMOTION in return, that is unrequited love TO YOU.
"Love and hate seem to be strongly intertwined in me"
This love/hate feeling is that...
1) you know what is "GOOD"
and by contrast,
2) you also know what is BAD.
You are OBJECTIVE (see things as they really are), but when people try to sugarcoat something (disguise it as "good", SUBJECTIVE explanation), you are bothered by this (dislike/hate) that because you are just/fair.
These are abstract concepts, you will understand them also when you become what you now think of as an "old fart" (try to have a better view of life).
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,117
This is a reply to # 1,069,226good points..
especially with
"You are OBJECTIVE (see things as they really are), but when people try to sugarcoat something (disguise it as "good", SUBJECTIVE explanation), you are bothered by this (dislike/hate) that because you are just/fair."
that's true..I like to cut to the center of the matter and avoid the bs..I used to try and analyize everything and make sense out of it all..then I realized,it would be much easier to just accept it as they are..without it all having some rhyme nor reasoning.
Right now,I will admit..I am still young,naive and to cocky for my own good..my only real aspiration for the next few years is to take the world by storm,travel as much as I can and try to put out or maybe tame the fire that is inside of me..not sure exactly where it stems from or it's roots of origin..I just feel like there is so much more to my life then it is right now..with work and coming school here. I don't have all the answers,I don't really know all that much quite frankly..but I know I have a strong enough head on my shoulders to avoid the BS and keep on my path in spite of whatever happens.Not ever going to be all right...because so much is already wrong but it doesn't mean I can just enjoy myself on the journey there..in the darkest pits of Depression and internal turmoil to the highest peaks of my own manic creations of moods maybe even delusions..I will take it all in and if it devours me whole and takes my life..so be it..better to follow the path of my heart and dreams and have it destroy me then to merely dream of better days though in fear of the wrong and misfortunes..might as well take in both and enjoy their deeply polar contrasts...I won't be 27 forever..even with a heart and soul of an 18 year old..
I know I am not ready for love..I have no idea of the meaning..I can't even feel the word much less understand it's true meaning..
I am not out to hurt nor manipulate anyone with my emotions..all I am searching for is pleasure if for the sake of it being merely physical..for now at least lol.
'old farts' lol...I'll never become 'old'..my spirit is forever young.
(:- "I am not out to hurt nor manipulate... b2reflect
17 y
4,311
MoreThis is a reply to # 1,069,313all I am searching for is pleasure if for the sake of it being merely physical"
Then, no matter what, BE HONEST, AT ALL COSTS!...even if it loses you the ability to be with a specific woman.
You have some real issues to work through. That is apparent to you, as well as others that are attempting to help you.
Yet, if you are only concerned with your physical pleasure, then be sure to tell the woman, you are out for a good time and nothing beyond. Then, she can CHOOSE to participate or not. There are women who only want the same...a physical need met. When, I was in my 20's, that was mostly what I sought, not relationships. I also told the men that...lol they liked knowing that! It truly is all in the presentation. OH and yes, there are some women who will be attempting to 'change' that thought of you and that will be their own stuff, when they do not take you at your word. Just continue to be honest.
Peace,
Beth
- "I am not out to hurt nor manipulate... b2reflect
17 y
4,311
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,117
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... pb3046
17 y
4,330
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This is a reply to # 1,069,073Please take this as constructive, if you can:
1. I would not want my daughter to date you, as you seem to want to "use" women, and think it is all right as long as you are honest with them. That, in my mind, is the definition of a jerk.
2. You don't seem to want to be a jerk, but seem to be afraid of a real relationship. Be careful, be very careful. You will end up getting hurt by someone who can play the game better than you.
3. You will not find a butterfly in a bar; you will not find a wonderful woman among the ones who are willing just to have a fling with you.
4. Courage is feeling the fear and doing it anyway. I encourage you to have a little courage, and try real dating - which is supposed to be an experience in learning about the other person and how and if that other person might or might not fit into your life. Man up!- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,137
This is a reply to # 1,069,341thanks for the input..
unfortunately as horrible as I might seem to be ..there doesn't seem to be a shortage of girls that would want to jump my bones let along 'date' me.I am certainly not the best looking guy around nor the most fit,not the most wealthy nor the most educated.I have 'some' redeeming qualities that pick up were my faults leave off but they are far and few lost between many wrong ones.You'd like to believe that they are mostly the young and naive,the weak and the wounded,the broken just as me that I attract..but they are not.Whatever they see in me or whatever I am sub-consciously projecting I have no real clue but whatever it is is working in my favor..even amongst my own confusion and turmoil..I don't even have to be confident nor even really sexually secure in myself..but they are like moths to a flame which I will surely burn one day presumably.
Theres nothing wrong with empty sex...you would be shocked at how easy it is to discover how little it takes to led one astray..it's as easy as 1-2-3 lol.
one thing I learned from experience is that girls are not 'innocent' by any means...
you hit the right buttons and she'll be turned out in heartbeat lol.
But in all honesty I don't even want all that..I just need some TLC from time to time.
is that so bad? I think not! lol
(:- Hmmm... UserX
17 y
4,192
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This is a reply to # 1,069,359"Theres nothing wrong with empty sex..."
Nothing wrong, perhaps...
Albeit, a very high price to pay.
Spare your seed, young man...
or you'll never see your 40...
something.
lol
O
- Re: Hmmm... rygar.
17 y
4,174
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This is a reply to # 1,069,567when love and hate is soo strongly intertwined in your mind and heart as it is with mine..you have to learn to love wisely or else it will be very costly.I simply cannot love without hate..and I do eventually hurt the ones I love the most,that pain,that turmoil,that tension and the wounds are what binds us soo tightly together.I can't merely just 'love' for the sake of 'love' of just loving..it has to be my all and it has to be all or nothing..and it also has to have a strong hatred in the equation..
I love as strongly as I hate..it's just how I was brought up.The only way I learned how to love..was through sheer hatred and resentment.I cannot love without it,without the extreme polar opposite there is no passion,no lust, no redemption...no chemistry.
The stunningly beautiful though cold hearted nasty mouthed bitch that really turns the knife in my heart also gets my blood boiling and my pace up like no other could..I would rather have her then a girl that did nothing but sat pretty and was so oh compliant and pleasant.
if this is not love but something else,then shit..it is all I know as of now...
maybe it will change,maybe it will not..- The biggest elephant pile I've seen ... UserX
17 y
4,098
This is a reply to # 1,069,897You said:
"I love as strongly as I hate..it's just how I was brought up.The only way I learned how to love..was through sheer hatred and resentment.I cannot love without it,without the extreme polar opposite there is no passion,no lust, no redemption...no chemistry."
Do you actually believe that the the core of you is your familial conditioning?!!! Our true nature...yep, the love part...comes already loaded with the package that is us, and it's not inherited from Mom and Pops, either. It looks like you've got some more layers of the onion to peel off, pal.
And hate is not the "extreme polar opposite" of love. Then what is it, you ask?
------------>>>F-E-A-R<<<------------
And since you have yet to find that part of you that is without the "sheer hatred and resentment"...how the hell would you know if you can live without it or not? And what makes you so sure about passion, lust, redemption and chemistry, anyway? The greatest passion, lust, redemption and chemistry I have ever experienced happened when I told >>>F-E-A-R<<< to take a hike!!!
And this:
"..it's just how I was brought up.The only way I learned how to love.."
is a pathetic excuse for not growing up!!! Try another school then, if that one didn't work for ya!!!
lol
O
- The biggest elephant pile I've seen ... UserX
17 y
4,098
- Re: Hmmm... rygar.
17 y
4,174
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... roooth
17 y
4,079
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This is a reply to # 1,069,359p.s. I don't think it's "using" at all if you're straight forward - then it is a mutual agreement and nothing wrong with that.
With regards to another of your responses, I still stick with a previous reply of mine: you know you're not ready for love and you say you don't know what it is. You can practice it in all your other life relationships - work, family, friends. Love is a verb, and the feeling of love comes from the doing. Feel and do for all the people in your life with great love as practice. When you're ready for intimacy in a romantic relationship, the way you've learned to expand yourself in love to others in general will translate to that relationship.
Your self awareness is great - it seems to me that it opens you up for the growth you're looking for. That's a beautiful thing.
- Hmmm... UserX
17 y
4,192
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,137
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... roooth
17 y
4,231
This is a reply to # 1,069,073Hi Rygar,
I just wanted to let you know that what you are looking for is out there, even with girls. Yes, there are women who are only looking for a physical connection. I spent most of my 20's single so yes I've been there where I didn't want to start anything, just wanted to F***... not to be crass but I have physical needs and I've had those times. I never liked one night stands or strangers so for me the preferred method would be to get a "friend" - someone I actually liked to hang out with. And when I needed that...
I've always had a lot of respect for men who did not lie to women about wanting that. Some men will deceive and lie and pretend they are interesting to get into bed, and when a woman really feels a connection, that can feel awful to find outthey were just lying. And it's so pointless - men who are direct and candid have as much chance of getting laid - more or less depending on the woman. With me if a man came right to me and said, "you are so damn sexy. I would love to take you home..." he would have more of a chance then the one talking to me about being his girlfriend, just because I have an internal bullsh*t alarm for those lines. If I happened to be looking for sex, did not have a backup and was attracted to the guy, guy #1 would have a shot.
Sorry, don't know if this comes of crass, but my purpose is to encourage and promote the direct approach - you've got the same shot of getting laid, a thing both men and women desire, and at the same time you don't hurt anyone's feelings. Good luck.- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,107
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This is a reply to # 1,069,913I prefer directness over reading in between the lines or deceit..
if I could I would love every girl I laid eyes on,but there are just too many issues concerning me,woman,my sexuality and love..I laid them to rest so long ago and just haven't dealt with them head on..once I resurfaced these feelings ,they are just as broken as they were before...the last thing I want to do is draw a young lady into a sick and twisted torn apart heart,though some nights I can't bare to be alone..I can't stand dealing with the wrongs and so ons thats going on inside my heart,why should I assume that a girl can handle it? nor would she even want to bare the burden?
it's not hers to heal nor nurse,it's present inside of me ..but it's mine and i don't want it touched by another person..not yet at least.Maybe I just want to be angry still just a little longer,endure the pain- not hiding and running form it like in the past..just letting it take over and hope that once felt and expressed,it's released instead of so tightly bonded witin me causing so much grief..it's no secret that I am hurt and still remain so for so long,only now looking for salvation were I can find it..yes,I am very confused with the matters of the heart and body..I may not be able to explain what I feel all the time but I know HOW I feel,what feels good and what i want and when I want it..even if it's wrong..so be it then,it can't be any more wrong then what's already happened.
I know I am not all bad nor not all good,I deserve someone great eventhough I am far from it..it's because though my thoughts and desires may not always be pointed in the right direction,my actions and motives are what remains noble and true..being so,I doubt I could truly do any real wrong..
kaythnxbye.
(:- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... roooth
17 y
4,074
This is a reply to # 1,069,936I really don't know why but you sound fun, even when you're disarmingly honest and all serious and shiat. Hey, if we met and u were HOT, and I were single, I'd consider helping w/your physical jonesing. ;-) Happy days.
-
Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,168
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... roooth
17 y
3,988
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... roooth
17 y
3,988
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- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... roooth
17 y
4,074
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... rygar.
17 y
4,107
- Well popeJohn3rd
17 y
4,058
This is a reply to # 1,069,073It sounds to me like you have issues. Why don't you seek counseling first.
- Re: Well rygar.
17 y
4,123
- distractions at work.. rygar.
17 y
4,169
This is a reply to # 1,069,930well..there was this one girl at work I was crushing on for a week or so.I noticed her reacting to my presence;blushing,coyness,nervousness and I took a liking to her though not too terribly direct though I have asked her her named and exchanged looks every so often.As the days go by the more and more I find myself thinking of her and romanticizing ..that usually means trouble is imminent. Anyways,every time she is near I feel this overwhelming feeling of excitement mixed with enticement and a little bit of anger..I don't know why,I think I am blaming her for making me feel this way..feeling 'anything' for her when I chose NOT to and rather focus on my work..it makes me hot it makes me sweaty it makes my senses overwhelmed..the funny thing is I can define her scent even stronger with my sense of smell during this state...
she smells like flowers lol...sweet blossoming flowers.I find myself fanning my paper work to cool myself off only to be further enchanted by her scent,only to try to drown it out even more and block out any interest I may be feeling..while in an intense frenzy of hyper focus and trying hard to 'ignore her' and block her out,I turned around as she was bringing up her hair, we locked eyes..my heart skipped a beat and I was like..'great'..just what I need..more distractions
*mad face*
/:
She is as beautiful as so as I am broken..I would only hurt her and destroy all that it right about her,the black hole that is my soul will only swallow her up and envelop her..and she would allow it if she was close enough.She is one of many..the lucky ones I let go of and not even bother with..my feelings betray me because my feelings are also what entrap me...
):
maybe I should ask her out..before dinner I'll just grab her ass so she can slap me and get it over with,if I am lucky she'll kick me in the balls- it's okay..most action I had all week.Then I will be like 'told ya so' and be done with it..I'd rather get rejected and be over it then having to think about the her and her sweet blossoming flowerish smell of hers...over and over again.
bah..I am over her.I'll just make mad faces at her when she smiles at me..that should get rid of her..if not I'll just beat my chest and make ape like noises.
she sure is beautiful though,wonder what the heck she even sees or notices in me...
heck if I know...- Expand 20 messages, 21 to 40 of 59 roooth
17 y
4,032
- distractions at work.. rygar.
17 y
4,169
- Re: Well rygar.
17 y
4,123
- Re: ms.right..ms.RIGHT NOW... herb-gal
17 y
4,336
Expand 19 messages, 41 to 59 of 59 popeJohn3rd
17 y
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