Thank you for your answer.

I have to say that I did try to introduce spanking several times, starting at around age 2, but I was never able to stick with it. I never spanked consistently.
I think it's because of my harsh education,( my father was easily angered and he used to yell and spank in anger), but I cannot bring myself to spank without feeling guilty, I always end up apologizing for it. I also get the impression it creates resentment in my daughter.
I even tried the "holding technique" with awful outcomes.
I think at this moment resorting to spanking would make things worse. She would start hurting me too, and I wouldn't know how to stop it, I'd feel stuck. That is why I try to stick with loving discipline.

Although as far as I remember she has always been very strong tempered, I am sure that my lack of consistency made the matter worse. I am kind of insecure deep inside. I have changed so much since she is born, and I think i changed for the better, however I feel so strongly that I am "learning" from life that maybe I do not actually dare to teach yet, I cannot play the parent the way I am supposed to.

She says me she does her best, and I know that she tries so hard to comply against her own will, she has to do that all day long at preschool.

About setting the example for good behavior, and pointing out other people's rudeness, I think that this happens already, and it works. She gets so many negative reinforcements for her constantly bad manners, that she is always happy to be given a chance to be proud of herself. The matter is that most of the times she is really not aware that she is being rude to others. If I try to explain how to interact with others, she'll tune me out, she probably finds it boring, or maybe she does not understand.

In the past 6 months she slowly developed the habit of sayng sorry and apologize when she understands that she crossed the line with her actions or words. It seems to me that there is a slow but steady progress, still not enough to meet the standards of her age though.

What baffles me is that she seems to trust her judgment only,she does not care about what adults think about her. I.e., she constantly picks her nose in public, no matter what we do, no matter how many strangers tell her it's unpolite, she does not listen, other people's disapproval doesn't affect her.

While on the other hand, I am quite the opposite. That's why I cannot stand other people's judgments about my poorly effective parenting. It always seems I am the one to blame for her being this way. I wish these people could stand in my shoes.

Sometimes I think she has a real issue. She seems to lack the ability to empathize and to use non-verbal skills to express her feelings. A bit like autistic people do, even if she is not autistic. She seems emotionally deaf or so.

Deep inside I know her for who she is and she is so sweet, I would like to be able to bring out her kindness and to share herself with others like other kids are eager to do.

Thanks for listening. I feel a bit helpless now...I really cry at the drop of a hat.

My daughter, who will be 12 in 4 days, is a strong willed child. Even as a toddler, she would fight me over who was in charge. I remember once, trying to get her to take a bath one night and she wouldn't get undressed. There she is standing in her socks, t-shirt and underwear working up to a doozy of a tantrum because she did not want to take a bath. I had the bath all ready waiting for her. I was already frustrated and at the end of my rope. I picked her up and put her in the tub, still in her socks, underwear and t-shirt. It shocked her so much it stopped the tantrum. I was able to get her out of her soggy clothes and she was happy as a clam in the tub and the bath continued without incident.

This is just an example of her strong will. If she was able to have choices to give her a chance to have a say in things like: You can wear this outfit or that, would you like juice or water, etc.

She had an awful time in 1st grade because her teacher was a "take no prisoners" type. My daughter butted heads with her ALL the time. For example: On the first day of school she was asked to write on unlined paper. Well, she had already been writing on lined paper in since last year in kindergarten (her old classroom was across the hall). She asked for lined paper, the teacher told her no. Then later that week, she was told to read a book and write what she liked about it. The teacher chose the book, it was about dinosaurs. My daughter (already reading early chapter books over the summer) wanted to pick another book, which should not have been a problem since the teacher had tubs of books ALL over the classroom organized by reading level). The teacher said no. My daughter did not complete the writing assignment because she didn't like the book and so she felt she couldn't complete the assignment. I heard about this on the very first parent/teacher conference. It was NOT a good year for my daughter. I should have taken her out of that class right then. I ended up pulling her out of school 4 weeks early because she was getting into trouble daily.

Strong willed kids need the right kind of teachers. My daughter's kindergarten teacher recognized this and channeled this positively-- she made my daughter her special assistant. She thrived. Her first grade teacher was constantly battling with her.

We've spent the last few years working on manners. She was (and probably still is) of the opinion that manners were stupid. Why should she sit up straight at meals? Why should she say please and thank-you? It went on and on. We kept reinforcing that we required she use manners and a well mannered person is thought well of and generally welcome everywhere. It's been a struggle, but she is making progress.

If you can make a game out of the whole manners thing at dinner time, it might help. I read somewhere where a family had a game they played at the dinner table where one person would display bad manners (elbows on the table for example) and the rest would have to figure the infraction out. One father would resort to superfluous and flowery formal request to his children if one forgot manners-- eg.. My dearest and most gracious daughter I would be ever so grateful to the ends of my days if I heard the word "please" from your sweet lips when you ask for the salt. It always elicited giggles and the children got the point.

A book I've found really helpful is: Setting Limits with Your Strong-Willed Child : Eliminating Conflict by Establishing Clear, Firm, and Respectful Boundaries by Robert J. MacKenzie Ed.D.

It's helpful to understand that strong willed children are WIRED to test limits. This author is the first I've read that actually states this. He then gives very helpful pointers on how to parent such children. Strong willed kids are natural born leaders. Remember this when she's driving you crazy with demands.

Making sure she gets enough sleep is crucial too. A five year old needs between 10 1/2 to 11 hours sleep at night. My daughter a lot more even tempered and compliant when she's rested. She still needs about 10 to 10 1/2 hrs sleep. When she's sleep deprived, she's grumpy and can be a terror. Now that she's a tween, we've got the whole puberty - hormone thing going on too. A tween PMSing AND sleep deprived ain't NO FUN for anyone!!! We discovered long ago, that chocolate will wire her. We have a strict no-chocolate policy after 3pm, otherwise she has a hard time getting to sleep at night.

Looking at labels and trying to reduce or eliminate msg, high fructose corn syrup, artificial colors and sweetners and keeping a log of how much sleep she got the night before and what she ate and how her behavior was at school might uncover a food or chemical sensitivity. Eggs, wheat and peanuts are ones that can cause behavior issues if she is sensitive to them.

Take her basal temp in the morning before she gets up (under the arm). If it's below 97.8 in the morning, get her thyroid evaluated. Hypo kids can have behavior problems.


iolite

Thanks everyone who cared to leave a reply.

My daughter eats well, her diet is 100% organic at home, I would say the meal she eats at preschool is the worst part of her diet but she won't eat their meat, she only eats the entrees (usually pasta/rice) there. I make sure she eats plenty of fresh fruits and veggies at home. No candy, we bake our own organic cookies, once in a while she will get an ice cream or a piece of chocolate and these are rare exceptions.
She is keen on carbohydrates and dairy, she would not eat anything else, but I do manage well to offer a variety of foods in between meals with success.

I tried the sticker chart in the past and it worked to some extent, she then got bored of it, she lacks the patience to collect enough stickers to get the reward, and obviously I cannot provide daily rewards, I do not even think this would be the right thing to do. However i will try again to motivate her this way.

My daughter's behavior got better, and is in the process of getting better, but she is definitely NOT in the 5 year old average.

I have just ordered "the difficult child" by S. Turecki. It is about the 10th parenting book I read. I am afraid to admit that my parenting style pretty much followed my readings so far... Luckily enough most of them were similar to each other, with few exceptions. I have read Naomi Aldort book last year and I found her metod tempting, but quite destabilizing in the long run, and it probably made me more insecure than i was before when it comes to assert myself with my child, since it teaches parents to surrender to their children rather than enlisting their cooperation.

Hope I will fix the situation, thanks for helping, I'd appreciate your prayers for my family.

Thank you!

Thanks all the people who stopped here to read and share their advice.

I am especially thankful to those who expressed their thoughts without being harsh and judgmental.

I humbly recognize I have probably made a lot of mistakes, and have not been consistent enough. I fell for meny different advices in hope they would fix the situation.
Still, I do not think this means I deserve contempt and despise as some poster showed. This is me and this is what I've been able to do so far, I swear i tried my best, sorry if the results do not measure up with your standards.

I am living proof that harsh discipline ( by saying harsh i mean yelling,spanking, and storming around like my father used to do) do not produce healthy, assertive individuals. I think discipline should be accompanied with constant love and that the parent should always be eager to forgive after a fight.

My daughter was MUCH tougher to raise than any other kid I've ever seen, and she was from the very start. Some kind of punishment never worked with her and I don't know if it ever will, she could scream for entire hours with a time out, where is the parent who can stand that more than a few days on a row? It was part of keeping my sanity to find other and less troubling solutions. Even so, I suffered a severe exhaustion until she was 3.

I pick my battles wisely. Sometimes I think the parent has to step back and ask himself if his/her requests are legitimate. I will never force her to taste a food that does not appeal to her, is that wrong? The teacher forced her to eat food at preschool several times, I do not agree at all with this, although I will not interfere with the teacher I will never try to exert this kind of control, I find it WRONG and not respectful.
Generally speaking, I do not agree with taking sides with the child against the teacher, although I can understand there may be true personality clashes. I had teachers who shamed me in front of the classroom and in my opinion a teacher can be horribly wrong. it's not about questioning his authority but ensuring respect to everyone.

I am trying again with the sticker book. We tried a sticker chart when she was 3 but it did not work, I think she was too young to wait for the rewards. Now she seems interested in it.

When negatives reinforcements are used steadily, my daughter plays the "bad child" as much as she can. She enjoys the character and the shower of attention that comes with it. So i think I need to find more ways to help her cooperate and be happy about herself, which she obviously isn't.
I will give the teacher a sheet of stickers, and my daughter will bring her little book to school. I will also be more firm with my requests without letting the situation escalate into anger .

I just loved the articles dropped by doc. I agree with them 100%. I will certainly pray the suggested prayer.

thanks again