Diagnosis eludes doctors, naturalists and others for many years. Any Dr. Houses out there (or just good guessers)?

Sorry in advance for the LONG history, but if you are going to take a crack at this you need it all:

1967: Born Rochester, NY
1968: Moved Corning, NY
1971: Moved Tokyo, Japan
1973: Moved Medfield, MA (just west of Boston)
1974: Moved Tokyo, Japan
1985-87: University of Wyoming for school, Tokyo for home
1987-1989: Worked EDS Japan, Tokyo, Japan
1990: Moved Rochester, NY, attended RIT
1994: Worked as geek at printing company (Toxic exposure?)
1999: Moved Redmond, WA, worked at computer company
2000: Year long temperature of 100.5 to 101. No diagnosis found
2001: Anaphylactic shock reaction to Levaquin. Three days in hospital, energy levels took 1-1.5 years to return. I have NEVER taken a flouro-quinalone Antibiotic since then.
2003: Moved Kingston, WA, five acres in the woods. Also bought excavator. Exposure to diesel, hydraulic fluid, LOTS of nettles, bee stings and mud. VERY stinky DEEP (armpit) mud.
2004: Lost my job for not being there enough, but came back in the back door as a contactor 3 months later for 50% more money. Go figure. But the stress was pretty bad.

2005: Car crash, torqued back, diagnosed with cardio myopathy, diagnosed with diabetes, all in AUGUST, due to failed glucose tolerance test, but A1c normal, 4.9-5.2 then and since. The back has ALWAYS been bad, 6' tall, 28" inseam, I am all back and heavy (more on obesity later). I see PT folks when it flares, but as a geek I hunch too much at my PC and so I tend to mess it up. The cardiomyopathy was with an ejection fraction of 40%, but it is up to 65% as of today, so I dodged that bullet. The current theory was a viral insult, but again, NOT A FIRM DIAGNOSIS. The diabetes cannot be shown on a1c or a monitor, only a tolerance test, so it has now been called "pre" diabetic.

2007: Diagnosed with (in order) Lyme, Toxoplasmosis and POSSIBLE gall bladder problems. An ID Dr. gave my 30 day of anti biotics and told me that would kill the Lyme and Toxoplasmosis, they could NOT confirm the Gall Bladder, despite the pain. Eventually I said the heck with it and had a Dr. pull it anyway. It turned out to be chronically inflamed, but no stones (duh, they would have seen those!).

2008-9: MASSIVE Lyme treatment with a naturalist leaning DO. Antibiotics , antifungals, supplements and two years of nausea, the runs and general misery. At the end of it the Lyme test numbers had NOT changed and the DO told me that I should look elsewhere for a solution... What fun...

2008-Present
I have been basically unemployed, a chronic joint pain patient, on a variety of opiates (now on Tramadol after kicking the opiates, that was fun...) often in bed, depressed (go figure) and generally miserable. I have had one further diagnosis from a rhuematoologist (sp?) that I have an autoimmune attack on my thyroid, BUT all my TSH, T3 and T4 tests are normal and no one will let me try synthroid to see if it will help.

I have also been diagnosed with IBS, GERD, Migraines, Depression and clumsiness (my wife did the last, unfortunately I passed it to two of the three kids...)

I have just gone through a month with several NEW symptoms:

1) Heart PVCs that HURT (Clean stress test and echo, cholesterol 170, ratio a bit high 5.8) I have had PVCs for years, but never felt them in my chest before
2) Increased floaters in my eyes. I have lattice degeneration in both eyes, dating back to my teens with no explanation.
3) Lower right back pain. I went to the PT folks thinking it was my back and they told me I have put my lowest right rib out of place. Of course that is also where the back of my liver is, but then why woudl stretches help and exercises hurt?
4) Blood tests back yesterday show my AST at 42 (usually I run 30-35) and ALT at 134 (I historically run 65-72). My father has hemochromatosis and I have been checked for that (negative genetic test) and have my ferritin checked regularly just in case. My brother had hep A as a kid so I have been innoculated against HepA and HepB. I HAVE been diagnosed with fatty liver disease, but I have been LOSING weight this year. (Does the lost fat end up getting filtered and stuck in the liver?) There is NO history of liver cancer or tumors in my family.
5) My testicles ACHE. Not ow, ow, a constant dull ache, as if they had been kick hours ago. I have tried ejaculation as it cured epiditimitis as a kid (that was a fun conversation with my Mom), but that has not helped. For some reason passing gas helps. I do NOT have a hernia or torsion, those have been checked. I do have a large fat pad around my groin area. (Does anyone know how to get rid of that? I have not found the right exercise... Perhaps a different post.)

Personal data.
1) I am a VERY big guy. 6', 330 lbs. This sounds like I am incredibly obese, but my TARGET weight is 270. Crazy? Not exactly. Have you ever seen a picture of a dwarf, short legs, WIDE shoulders (6' AROUND my shoulders (no, not fat)), 10" wrists at the bone and 6" wide elbow bones. I think my Mom, molecular geneticist, put in some Gorilla! (Kidding...) At 270 my body fat would be around 10-15%, if I went to the "target" 185 I would be dead. I can stack my 220lbs of children on my shoulders and walk around (but my back does not love me for it), etc. The worst part is my knees.
2) I do not drink, smoke or use caffiene. (I drank in college, but rarely to excess. I quit 20 years ago when we were working on getting pregnant and never went back. Never smoked tobacco, a few joints in college (25+ years ago). I was a SERIOUS caffiene hound until I found out in the early 2000s that was what caused my headaches. I quit fast!) Fast food is 1-2 times per month. No soda, milk and water only, occasionally OJ or REAL lemonade if we have lemons. I do eat meat if we have some, but we can only afford it 2-3 times per week. The rest of the time it is mostly whole grains, veggies and dairy (OK, I love cheese and sour cream on potatoes as a meal... No one is perfect...)
3) We live in the woods and in a rural area near an indian reservation and casino. There are two small towns (7000 and 10000) within 20 minutes, but all of the land around here is 5 acre or larger lots. Fauna and Flora are typical to western WA. We have LOTS of stinging nettles, dragonflies and other indicators of a healthy environment. Stuff grows here VERY fast, we have trees that are 50' tall and 8" in diameter and are under 10 years old. (Ok, they are alders and they are weed trees, but still...)
4) The house water is a well and VERY hard, but we drink bottled. We refill it from the filtered stuff at the grocery store for $.40 per gallon. I figure their machines must get cleaned pretty often.
5) We use a septic system for waste removal. Installed in 2003, we have not yet had to have the 1200 gallon tank emptied so I assume the biobed is good shape. The field is a 4 row field and so far even the inspection port on the end of the FIRST row stays dry, so it has a LOT of life left in it. It is about 350' from the well and there are TWO harpan clay layers between them. I know this because I have used the top one to build a swimming hole for the kids (complete with frogs and tadpoles! (volunteers))
6) We live in a year 2000 Palm Harbor doublewide, 66' by 28'. This is "temporary" until we build a house and sell it off. The quotation marks are because I was SUPPOSED to be done with this small chore, but have been sick...

OK, so LONG history over. I have probably left SOMETHING out, so PLEASE ask questions.

I need guesses, ideas, suggestions, ANYTHING! At this point I am bedridden about 4 out of 7 days, in chronic joint pain (ALL JOINTS) and becoming suicidal (Yes, I have pills and supplements for that, the basis is despair...). Doctors you recommend (I will fly if I have to...), especially ones that are into diagnosis of odd symptoms.

If you have read this far, THANK YOU!

I look forward to any and all replies, do not hesitate to say anything.