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Almost 2 years.
walk
Date: 1/29/2010 2:46:38 PM ( 14 y ) ... viewed 2380 times It's been almost 2 years. No matter where I go, there I am. I am hyperventilating as I sought out my old blogs. Was sober. Drank. Hurt all I loved. Divorced. Sober again now 1 year. Still undisciplined but now no one around to mirror in how many ways I just am not enough for this life. Moved away. Came back. Worst case scenario in so many ways.
Change. Change now. Change forever.
Do I believe I can? No.
Do I want to? No.
Do I need to? Yes.
It's a life for those who 'want' it not those who 'need' it. I'm out then.
Parked in front of a TV for months now. Work. Eat. Meetings. Fantasize what it could be like. Watch TV. Cold inside. Cold outside.
Not hopeful. Is this blog a thread of hope? Yes. A thread of answering to myself in a way I don't? Narcissistic? You bet.
Is it only the mirror that keeps us going? We see ourselves and want to f*** what we see? Isn't that what we all seem to want ultimately? To just be 'f***able' rather than 'f***ed'?
Power walk. Find God. I fantasize taking the bottle, taking the pills, just leaving me. Leaving you. Leaving the futility of my seeking a warmth that will only suffocate and kill me.
Scary? Yes. Twice this week I've been told that by people who can seemingly keep their shitbag from leaking. Who can live with their Mom til their 50. Who can pretend they are helpful at $100/hour.
The only help, the only way out - the only God that is real to me: oxygen, air, body health, discipline, balanced self love, outward interest in being a useful person in this world. God, I beg you. Help me seek you. Help me to remember you exist when all I have is my darkness and seemingly those who revel in my demise.
God help me.
The death dragon that was part of my son's demise just passed by. f*** you, I say.
How do I stop living in this reality that has always been mine? This life that I was taught? How do I become my own parent? My own adult? A useful, bright member of this society I can't feel, can't touch, can't seem to ever function fully in?
Day 1 of what? Life? Death? A public nothing?
Perception is f***ed. Life is meaningless and am hanging on to my past with claws that are being disconnected from my very finger tips. I am bloody. I am broken. I am down for the count. Problem is: Being dragged isn't an instant death. It can go on and on and on.
Go for a f***ing walk. Find the oxygen. Find the world that I see others seemingly live in. Believe I too have light inside of me, somewhere. Can be useful again. Can love and be loved again. Can be someone who can just make the world a better place.
Let go. Just let go of the past. Let go of the parents. Let go of the siblings. Let go of the religion. Let go of the alcohol. Let go of the drugs. Let go of the need. Let go of the want. Let go of the dependency on anything outside of the oxygen, the light of the sun, the God of the Earth. Let go of the fear. Let go of the shame. Let go of the hurt. Let go of the expectations. Let go of the emotions - those f***ing emotions. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go. Let go.
Just let go.
My arms are numb. My hands are numb. My face is numb. I am catatonic. Let go.
Just let go.
Let go.
Let go.
Let go.
Let go of the tears.
Let go.
Let go.
Let go.
Let go.
Walk toward the light.
Go to the light.
Let it penetrate my leather skin, my hardened heart, my coagulated blood.
Let go.
Walk toward the light.
Let go.
Walk toward the light.
Let go.
Be willing.
Let go.
Be willing.
Walk toward the light.
Let go.
Be willing.
Walk toward the light.
Just walk.
Walk.
Walk.
Walk.
Walk.
My very life depends upon it.
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