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Time to Rise Up!
I was the nerd. He was the Star. He hurt me,
and i forgave for my own good.
Date: 10/19/2005 7:56:50 AM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 1165 times Writing by candlelight.
5:06 AM
Oct 19, 05
Just had a dream that completely astounished me.
I cannot say where it came from,
someplace so deep. It was a dream that seemed to have
nothing to do with my waking life on first glance.
Sometimes our dreams do that. We cannot see consciously
something our Spirit or our Soul wants to Tell us,
so our unconscious tells us. Sometimes dreams are
like whispers in our ear. Here is such a dream
I just had.
your eg
__
I was invited back to my elementary school.
It was a time when a statue was being consecrated
a statue of a man whose name was Billy Domb.
I was invited to dedicate the statue.
I could not see the faces of all the young people
in the audience. I can only say there were many of them,
a whole hillside of students. I sense they were all young men,
and they were likely dressed in some kind of dark suits,
typical of Jewish students of the ultra orthodox tradition.
There was some confusion around the ceremony.
I was asked to do the dedication of the statue, but at first
I refused to do it. I sent word that I wanted a different statue
to be dedicated. I suggested they dedicate a statue to a man named
Abraham, not Billie Domb.
It was not clear to the organizers if i would attend.
I had so much pain around Billie Domb, I would not participate
in such a statue dedication.
Billie Domb is one of the archetypal characters of my childhood.
He was one of my best friends.
He was a brilliant student academically.
He was a great natural athlete.
He was one of the most popular boys in the class.
I spent my childhood running away from home.
Our home was among the most "Frum" --strict--among the students.
In other worlds, my father played by the Orthodox rules,
very strict. Billy was more liberal. He was a leader of the pack
of kids that got together each Saturday and went to the Brooklyn
Theatre for the Matinee. The Matinee always had one cartoon,
a serial episode of some Action Thriller of a Super Hero, and often
one film. The films sometimes were of Monsters and this is where
I first saw movies such as Frankinstein, the Mummy, or wherewolf.
TV was just coming in in those days, and it was during my elementary
school years that we got our first TV in the house, a big piece of
enclosed furniture with the set inside.
So Billy was a main player. I was more of a dunce of the class,
a rebel, a kid who would do anything do get attention or become Top.
I remember once not being invited into player some kind of ball game
that the kids were playing, so I got the ball, rubbed in some dog poop,
and threw it back into the game.
I was always a rule breaker. I remember being aprimanded
for going into the girls bathroom. I had an early fracination with the
opposite sex that has continued to this day.
I would not go beyond stealing or cheating to get what i wanted.
i remember turning in an abandoned Refrigerator two years in a row
so i could get the points that counted toward getting varous ranks
of badges. One year I got to be a leautenant, that was not high enough
for me. I wanted to be ballalion Chief and get invited to the Picnic
where all the Ballalion Chiefs from every school got together and
had a chance to win big prizes.
I felt denied and deprived of some basic things at home, such
as quality time with my parents, and I was a herd physically in my body.
I started rejecting my body even before it started showing arthritis.
What good was a body that could not be a great athlete like Billy Domb?
I was socially an outcast and a loner, though I tried so hard to be the center
of everything.
In gratitude, I must have been a loving kid at heart, because the same
teacher, Mrs. Tarches, the one who reprimanted me tossing the poop
into the ballgame, and who reprimanded me for stealing my way into
the girl's bathroom, by the sixth grade had become one of my dearest
friends. I excelled even back then in art. We had a place called the Variety
Boy's Club, and i remember making a beautiful wooden piece to hold
figurines. I made one for Mrs. Tarshes. I know she had a big heart and
that there was much love between us. I remember that years after I
graduated, i would keep her in mind. She attended the funeral of my mother
who died when I was 12. I remember that. Later when she died, I
did not learn about this until years later. My father had this idea that somehow
he was protecting me from knowing about the death of ones i cared about.
Back to the dream.
So, So I was invited back to our elementary school. I was not an adult.
I was a person of acclaim. I had somehow rising up to the point where
they wanted to invite me to do the ceremony, but like hell if i were going
to go and dedicate a statue to Billy Domb.
After Childhood, our whole Jewish Community was uprooted.
We went to the other side of town. The summer of our move to The West
Side from the East Side, Billy had moved before me. We moved
to an area called Fairfax, and up the hill by Bike was Hollywood.
Billy and i would Bike around. He knew all the places it seemed where
you could go in and get a picture for free of various actors. I mean these
were free 8 x10's of movie starts. We must have been going into PR
Agents offices. There were also TV Stations, such as CBS right down
the street, and we could go in and get free tickets to see game shows
or even shows with stars like Lucille Ball. Don't say that kind of stuff
does not influence kids. IT does. Maybe it makes some kids want to
become stars themselves. I know I had that in me.
So that summer, Billy and i had a falling out.
I do not know what happened. I only remember that he started
to treat me not as one of his best friends, but as an outcast.
Great! Just what the Dr. ordered.
Then, a year or so later, we were in Jr. High. What they call Middle School
now. My mother died. I was really feeling like an outcast. I went into
some kind of numb phase. I would dream in the early morning
that my mother was still with me in this world. I could not believe
she was gone. All this time, I also lost my best friend, Billy who was
the link to the other boys in our grammar school tribe who were now
on the West Side and attending the same schools.
In High School this situation of feeling the outcast, did not get better.
Billy and some of the other grammar school kids became athletes,
thestars. i was on the sidelines.
Surprisingly, by the 11th or 12th grade, I found my own opportunities
to express leadership. I had chances to run for office. I got a little job
where I learned to do calligraphy, and so I was in charge of this bulletin
board outside the Boy's Vice Priniciples office. I got to make a sign
with the name of the Boy of the Week and the Athlete of the Week.
Leave it to me to find a way to take control.
So in the dream. here they wanted to honor Billy, and then wanted
me to be the one to honor him.
Hell No!
At the last minute, I decided to show up. I saw the boys in the stand
who were my best friends. I thing they were still recognizable.
One, I believe Ira Erenberg and mendel, heard me out.
I softened. I asked about Billy who was not here. Someone said
he was very concerned now about his health.
That was something i knew a lot about. That made me feel good.
i sent down and spoke to the Head Master Teacher in charge.
I told him I decided i would give a ninety second intro and tell the story
about Billie and my relationship. Something about this had some
spiritual merit in my mind. I am not sure what. The headmaster was ready
to dedicate the statue to Abraham, but they switched it back to Billie Domb.
At first they were not going to give me the time, I wanted. They wanted
me to say some Hebrew Words or give some message in Hebrew.
I was clear that God spoke through me in a language regardless
of the fact that i did not speak to God in Hebrew.
So The moral to the story and the dream, is that even us nerds,
even us outcasts, somehow keep rising up to finally get acknowledged
because someplace inside us there is this Greatness that wants to Rise
Up and there is really nothing we can do about that.
Whole cities, whole worlds will fall into the sea until the little ones
who cannot throw a football straight, the outcasts with big mouths
rise up. In the end I forgave Billie Domb.
I am sure there is a lot more to this dream and why I had it now,
but that is all there is to say.
5:55 AM
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