Present Phobias/ Past Lives by thomas Blog entry

Blog: Journey of Light
by thomas

Present Phobias/ Past Lives

Some Present Fears and Phobias may be from the Past. Past Lives that is.

Date: 8/8/2005 6:30:41 PM ( 19 y ) ... viewed 3252 times

Last Monday I drove down to the Jersey Shore to meet up with my brother, sisters and their families. They had rented a house for the week which was only a stones throw away from the beach. I was really looking forward to hanging out with my family and enjoying the shore. Beyond that, I really had no other expectations. I wasn’t planning on doing any kind of spiritual work on myself. Yet, now I realize that the journey never stops or goes on hiatus. The universe is always present and ready to help us to achieve greater unity within ourselves. If the opportunity arises, the universe is more than happy to assist us in releasing all of our fears, phobias and limiting thoughts. And so it was during this past week. My time at the shore was no longer just about enjoying the beach or spending time with my family. It was a wonderful opportunity for me to release all of my fears concerning the ocean and drowning.

As I go back in my memory, I cannot remember a time when I didn’t have an apprehension or a nervous feeling toward the ocean. This apprehension did not just have an intellectual component. Instead, it was something that I could feel throughout my entire body. I was never really sure where it came from or how it occurred, it just always seemed to be there. Going through my own memory and that of others, there was never an event in my life that could have created this. I never almost drowned in the ocean. Actually I have no memory of drowning or having trouble swimming in pools, lakes or anywhere else for that matter. I’ll admit that I am not the greatest swimmer out there, but I know how to swim. Thankfully, my parents paid for swimming lessons for my sister and I at the YMCA. Learning the right way to swim definitely made me a more confident swimmer. However, it was not able to erase the apprehension I had any time I went into the ocean.

Getting back to last Monday, I got down to the shore house early in the morning so I could meet up with everyone and head down to the beach. We packed up all the chairs, blankets and the kids and walked up the path to the beach. We picked a spot close to the lifeguards as there are only certain sections on the beach that are open to swimming. They have orange flags that mark off the areas. If you go beyond it, the lifeguards blow their whistles and wave for you to move over. I spent most of the day reading a book and soaking up some of those wonderful rays. Everyone else split up their time between the beach and the water. After several hours I decided to go in. My sister-in-law joined me. The tide was really low so we walked out a good distance to where most of the waves were crashing. At that point the water was only up to my chest.

After about a half hour of riding some waves and enjoying the water, I started to notice the waves were getting a bit rough and the tide was getting stronger. Before I knew it, I went to touch the bottom and the bottom was gone. I could then feel the tide pulling us further from shore. I turned around to my sister-in-law and I could see that she was becoming visible nervous. We tried swimming back to shore, but the current was becoming too much for her. She was becoming tired and was no longer sure she could swim. She started calling out to me and said she was having trouble. The look of fear on her face sent a chill down my spine. I think it took me a few seconds to sort of wake up from the paralyzing fear of the moment, but I tried to talk to her calmly and figure a way of helping her. I swam over to her and got behind her. I told her that we would try to move with the waves and let them carry us in. As the waves came, I put my hands around her and pushed her. I did this until we got close enough to shore that we could touch. Even at that point though, the waves were still crashing on top of us. At one point, a wave got the better of me and knocked both of us all over the place. I recovered somewhat quickly and jumped out of the water. I looked around and couldn’t see her. I was absolutely panicked. I prayed really hard and just at that moment she popped out of the water. I was so unbelievable thankful for that. I ran over to her and helped her walk out of the water and back on to the beach. She was completely exhausted and couldn’t walk on her own. Unfortunately, the lifeguards were completely oblivious. None of them came out to assist us.

We both got back to the blanket and pretty much collapsed. She was visible upset which is completely understandable after going through what we went through. She was genuinely afraid that she was going to drown. All that flashed before her was the face of her daughter. We all comforted her and reassured her that everything was o.k. I definitely tried my best to be strong for her, but I have to admit that I was just as unsettled as she was. The experience on its own would have unnerved most people, but because of this phobia or fear I had it was compounded for me. All of those feelings that I usually ignored when I was in the ocean were all brought up to the surface. There was no holding them back.

The good part to this, beyond the fact that we both survived, is that it helped me to understand what this phobia or fear was all about. As I thought about it on my own and through talking to my sister-in-law about it, I soon realized that I was not afraid of drowning myself. Instead, it was the fear of being with and responsible for someone else who drowned. It was my not being able to save them. I knew that had to be it as it unnerved me every time I thought of it from that perspective. It just made me feel completely uncomfortable.

The next couple of days, I went back into the ocean. Having realized that it was not a fear of my own drowning, I had no problem being in the water. However, I tried my best to stay away from everyone else. I just couldn’t even bear to think about someone else looking over at me and begging for my help. It was just too much for me to think about. I realized that it was even worse when I was in the water with my two young nieces. While it was difficult with adults, it seemed almost impossible with children. I just could not handle swimming in the same area with them. It was just completely bugging me out. I didn’t want to be responsible for them which is the complete opposite of how I usually am.

As the days went on, I got better with it and tried to feel more comfortable. By Thursday, I was feeling a lot more comfortable and could now swim in the same areas as my nieces. Although, I was probable being overly protective and watching them like a hawk to make sure they were alright. Later in the afternoon, a group of us decided to go in for a swim. This time it was my brother, brother-in-law and my two nieces. We walked out a ways, as it was low tide again. There were also several other people swimming in the same area as us. There were two teenage girls to my left and two or three other guys to my right. We spent most of the time bobbing up and down in the waves, riding some in or diving under them. Then all of a sudden the water started getting very choppy and the undertow was getting stronger. I was starting to get that unnerved feeling. My instincts and intuition kicked in right away and I looked over at my nieces and said it was time for them to get back to shore. Just as with my previous experience, I went to touch the bottom and it was gone again. As I was the closest one to shore, I looked at everyone else and I could see them being pulled out. We all started to make our way back, but were having difficulty. My two nieces were in front of me and I could tell that the younger one was starting to get nervous. She was looking over at me and was trying to keep above the water. Luckily, my brother and brother-in-law were soon behind them and were pushing them forward along with the wave in the same manner I had with my sister-in-law. Eventually we got to a spot where we could touch. We all looked back and could see that one of the guys who was to the right of us was in trouble. He was screaming for help. We knew that none of us could help him. He was a rather large man and he was definitely in panic mode. Instead, we all yelled out to the lifeguards who came out and rescued him. They carried him out of the water and onto the beach.

I’m sure you can imagine that I was now even more bugged out than before. This time I had the face of my one niece in my head and I couldn’t shake it. I went back to our spot on the beach and just sat in my chair. It felt as if I was out of it. My mind was trying to comprehend all of this and it was having difficulty. The initial shock of what just happened eventually wore off and I began once again to wonder what this was all about. This second experience again reinforced for me that it was a fear of others drowning. It also showed me that I could once again remain calm and assist those around me. I believe that if I hadn’t yelled to my nieces and everyone else that we needed to get back to shore, we would have been carried out just as far as the man who was in trouble. I have no idea and don’t ever want to find out what would have happened had that been the case.

Although this experience left me unsettled again, I was now more determined than ever to try and figure all of this out. I again tried to go through my memory, but I knew that no where in my past did I have any kind of experience that could lead to these fears. I then started to think about it from a different perspective. I recalled a book I had read a while back by Dr. Brian Weiss called “Many Lives, Many Masters”. It is a great book where Dr. Weiss recounts his experience with a patient who had tremendous fears and phobias that were completely disrupting her life. During their sessions, he decided to use hypnosis to try and uncover childhood traumas that could be linked to the phobias. Instead of finding a specific childhood trauma, he soon realized that many of these issues were created by traumatic experiences from past lives.

So I decided to think about everything that happened and how it made me feel from the perspective of past lives. As I was unable to relate this fear to any specific event in this lifetime, I realized that it must have stemmed from a past life. While I was not able to bring up a specific past life memory, I was able to make sense of everything. I imagine that within this past lifetime, I must have been in a situation with a child or even several children where they drowned and I was unable to save them. When I concentrate, I can almost see their terror stricken faces. So it was the guilt and fear of not being able to save them that was causing me so much anxiety. I also found it interesting that my sister-in-law also had issues with the ocean. I never knew before that she has always had a fear of drowning. I guess it is quite possible that she was one of these children. Taking it a step further I now realize that my saving her may have been the fulfillment of a contract or the resolution of karma between us. In our past life together, I was unable to save her. But, in this one I proved to myself that I could. For her, the experience proved that she could rely on someone else and be saved.

Another dimension to this is the idea of responsibility which my sister pointed out to me. In my present lifetime, I have always taken on a role of responsibility. I always felt a need to watch out for everyone to make sure they were safe. I now am starting to realize that part of this need to be responsible for everyone may stem from this past life experience and maybe others. The experiences showed me that I chose to take care of others and protect them out of guilt. I had brought into this lifetime the quilt and responsibility for the death of those children. By taking on a role of responsibility, I was trying to make up for what I felt were failures of the past. I was trying to redeem myself. I would make it my responsibility to make sure everyone was safe. But in this lifetime, this isn’t my responsibility. There are times when I will not be able to do anything and there will be times when it is simple not my responsibility. I was unable to save the man who was in trouble. I knew that I could not bring him to shore. He was too big for me to help and was too panicked. I am not a trained lifeguard. If I had tried to help him, I could have been the one who drowned.

The most amazing part of this experience for me is the ability to release all of this. As I have said before, shine the light of truth on something and it will set you free. Having gone through this process, I now have a greater understanding of why I was unnerved by the ocean and why I have such an overriding urge to be responsible for others. I understand that the guilt and feelings of being responsible for others is a carry over from another lifetime and is not meant to define me in this lifetime. With this knowledge comes the power and the ability to make the choice not to allow these fears, phobias or judgments to limit me. I choose to be free of them. Now that I am free of them, I truly feel as if I am one step closer to realizing the unity and oneness within me. And for that I am eternally grateful.